I know this thread got some traction on that Website that is not to be named, some of our brethren got some sound advice and help, so, I am reprising it here with my first post. To update, Mrs. Lid the Sequel and I are divorced, she is in another relationship, my daughter did not survive and I am and forever will be on a completely different life/soul path. I hope the thread brings peace to some on here: And so:
Having read the "I'm an alcoholic" thread with great interest, and in order not to improperly $#@! on that very informative and substantive (especially for the Shag) thread, I thought I'd see if there is any interest in this topic.So, let me start.5 years ago, I married an alcoholic. I knew at the time that she was an alcoholic. A little over 2 years before our marriage (the second for both of us), she had entered Starlight Rehab for 30 days. In fact, I was on the verge of ending things when she announced she is going. I waited for 2 years to see if indeed, she had turned a corner and was keeping the demon at bay. On the surface, it appeared so. Maybe I should have been more observant.In the few months prior to our wedding, she lost a significant amount of weight (as in 140 lb to about 110lb). She said it was natural nervousness and excitement. We carried forward.Marriage went relatively smoothly for a few months but then, I began to sense that things appeared to be "off." Working late, excuses for seemingly innocuous events not happening. And, I began to question. Finally, she was unceremoniously let go by her long time employer and she came clean... she had been drinking for awhile. She pledged to go back to AA (which she had mostly gotten away from) and swore she would recover.I started to attend Al-Anon and eventually came to understand "The Three Cs."I didn't Cause it.I can't Control it.I can't Cure it.Of course, understanding the Three Cs and embracing them fully are two different topics. I read vociferously on the topic... books, internet articles. All in the hopes of understanding. And, all in the hope of finding .. peace? At the same time, I was struggling to save the life of my daughter. (we are now in year 4+ of her severe eating disorder... a number of doctors have stated that they are amazed she is alive still and that her case is the most severe they have ever seen).Apparently, the stress and pressure of the eating disorder, a marriage going sidewise, and her own lost soul, began to escalate the pressure. She just lost her 4th job in 5 years. Each time, the excuses, finger pointing and blame were placed elsewhere. Our relationship spiraled... again, the finger pointing and blame game, the long, babbling excuses, the lying to me, her family, her friends, her sponsor.... were all attempts to deflect from the heart of her issues. I began to see her much more clearly. The self-absorption... the ego, the self importance, the blame game, the finger pointing, the excuses.. all symptoms of that insidious demon, alcohol and the control it had on her life.And, eventually, you reach a point, perhaps my own "moment of clarity," wherein I was able to finally and with great conviction embrace the reality that "I can't Cure or Control it".. and never will be able to. And I can no longer live like this.Now, granted, I am not a saint as well. I will argue like the attorney I am, do not let a lot of people in, am not easy to give trust. My own flaws are legion.But, self-preservation and saving the life of my daughter predominate and must. We will separate in June and then eventually divorce. That is a certainty. And, I am fully at peace with that decision.As for marrying or entering into a relationship with an alcoholic? Would I do it again? Because of my past experience, no, not a chance. And yet, I see the strength, fortitude and wisdom from some posters on the other thread (you know who you are). And for those people, relationships would in all likelihood be sound and fulfilling. And yet, even still, if asked, if counseled, I would say, "do your research, read, attend Al-Anon, talk to other spouses who have been afflicted... use your instincts, pray on it... communicate." If you have a strong nature, a trusting soul, are well read on the topic, are independent and a belief that past events do not dictate future conduct, then embrace the relationship and glory in the bond that can be formed. If not... you have a very difficult decision to make.I hope others may get something from this posting... and urge you to post your own thoughts if you are in, or have been in this situation.For the TL/DR crowd... 1). Alcoholism is a demon, a destroyer of lives;2). Being the Spouse of an alcoholic can be the most challenging thing you ever do;3). Profit?