These are all things that you plant in your mind unknowingly that are addiction slowly sliding his way back in. Yes it’s weird, and weird can sadly escalate to uncomfortably which puts ever addict in danger. It’s supposed to be hard, awkward, etc. but when I heard the guy before say he may not need it, thinks he can white knuckle it definitely raised the blood pressure. I know everyone is different but I have rarely seen anyone on the fence truly succeed. Yes you can not take a drink or hit but are you really happy? Is that success? Success is happiness and content with some self confidence in there. Always scares me when people come in with plans of their own when AA wants it the exact other way. I hope people become aware of that, it took me a few years and I still continue struggle with it at times. I did my current first year in the groups and connected but a few months back I thought I could take a few meetings off and I got back into a dangerous state. I can’t run the show but I sometimes try to and when I do I can feel the scales start to tip the wrong way. Sometimes you just have to let go, do what you’re told and know things get better. But please don’t tell me you’ve spent years tearing down your life but you don’t need help from others or don’t need to listen to what others have had success with.