I feel extremely lucky actually. This week is my 3 year anniversary of being diagnosed. After that I tried to work part-time for a few months but my lack of fucks was too much to overcome and I decided I was never going to work again. I went through about 18 months of infusion hell and what it bought me was 18 months of the happiest time of my life. I have visited around 20 countries, traveling for months at a time. This is only possible because I drained my retirement accounts and had next to no responsibilities. When I was home I did nothing but smoke weed and play video games. I am a person who has struggled with self acceptance and self hatred my entire life and I completely gave all of that up, it just didn't matter to me anymore and I lived the life I wanted to live. I was extremely unhappy in my worker bee life and getting cancer opened my eyes to just how unhappy I was.
Anyway, it's kind of shocking how quickly I'm deteriorating now. 6 weeks ago I was walking around Spain for hours with no significant issues. Earlier this week I felt as though I had ran a marathon for a walk from the parking lot up to the hospital lab, a journey I've easily made well over 100 times the last 3 years, even during the toughest of the chemo days. I'll be moving in with my mom and her husband next week and then I'll probably make the choice to begin hospice pretty soon after that.
I thank everyone for the support and this thread is really the only place I talk about this stuff so it's definitely been positive impact on my experience.