I’ll throw in my $.02 though it seems I’m not an actual alcoholic but more of a person inclined to self medication…to which alcohol was the drug of choice for a few years.
I can tell you where it started for me…the birth of my daughter, kiddo #2. It wasn’t her fault, but she was a very hard baby with digestive issues that affected her sleep and she cried A LOT. In addition I was already in grad school at the time, the added stress from not sleeping, and ultimately adjusting from ‘couple with a cute kiddo’ to ‘all hands on deck just to survive’ drove me to solace in a bottle.
My wife made some serious comments and a semi-ultimatum, which got my attention and drove me to therapy. There I learned I have codependent tendencies and look for self worth through others (especially my wife) too much. I’m still that way but I’ve learned to (mostly) brush off the worst days without ‘rewarding’ myself with secret drinking.
I still drink, so try to mostly stay away from this thread so I don’t dilute the awesomeness here, but nothing like I was and…more importantly…the reason that I drink when I choose to.
My marriage has returned to as normal as can be with two full time working parents with two young kids, and thus my root problem was addressed. The ‘will I / won’t I’ voice is gone, and I can enjoy a few drinks socially without ‘well I started so let’s push it’ voice urging me on…I can have a glass of wine with dinner and not keep going once we get home.
To Twice’s point: that’s what seems to separate problem drinkers from alcoholics. I was able to moderate after severe enough consequences. Now I still don’t consider myself a ‘normie’ as all these thoughts are always in the back of my mind, but I’m able to work through the trials of life without considering an alcohol escape as a ‘solution’ and having a drink isn’t a gateway to getting drunk 100% of the time…so for ME, I consider that victory over it. Your mileage may vary.