I went through that, proxy wars over past alcohol transgressions. In fact a vicious cycle of my problem drinking was driven by how my wife jumped on my case over little things…she was on edge due to my transgressions, which lead her to a short fuse, which lead to picking fights over the gotdamn laundry I spent an hour on, which lead to me withdrawing in a bottle because I didn’t feel appreciated…it just went on like that.
Although not an alcoholic (if my success moderating past few years is an indication), I can sympathize. It’s such a personal triumph to quit/fix the problem, you’re feeling good and (in my experience) you can tell the mental gymnastics over ‘Will I / Won’t I Tonight’ are over…but your partner hasn’t immediately followed along with you and things haven’t really changed at the same pace you have.
In my case it just took time to earn her trust back…and therapy to realize that I can only control myself, and not hitch my mental wagon to her mental state. I still felt down when I was getting snapped at for seemingly minor transgressions, but I tried hard not to let it ruin my whole day like before wherein I’d double down with ‘well fine, if you’re gonna treat me rudely then I’ll do what I want…which is drink and watch Aliens by myself.’ I’ve always been a giver and people pleaser, so it was hard.
But things definitely improved over time, and I got my girl back…which started a positive cycle from the ashes of the negative one we’d been in. As noted above it’s certainly possible that your spouse won’t ever ‘follow’ this refurbished you, but all you can control is your choices, stay focused on how you react, and hope for the best.