One of my heroes, Cicero is credited with saying, "Dum anima est, spes esse." Its rough translation is ... "While there is life, there is hope."
What does it tell you that you took the time to hop on here, knowing that it is a safe place and open up about your pain and despair? What does it tell you that you perhaps look upon this place as a small spark of life? That you are embraced on here with love?
When my daughter died 5 years ago, I knew, I KNEW, that my life was over. That the pain in my heart would never go away. That I was shattered. Now, make no mistake, I will always have this huge hole in my soul that can never be filled. But, in my daughter's name, I am helping get young people in treatment every week. Helping parents in grief. I never expected at 63 years old to be doing this. But ... I believe I have no choice.
Perhaps with you, you can take that justifiable anger you have and start to redirect a small part of it somewhere. Maybe you can look at why you hate your current job, what you like about your job, take the positive things (if any), and direct them to a job in a different field. Will it be easy? Of course not.
There is no doubt that you have an elephant of despair in front of you. And the only way you digest that elephant is one bite at a time.
I am connected with very good therapists. (And believe me, most therapists are quacks.) I can make some referrals if that would help. If so, send me a DM.
Now, I don't know anything about your situation except what you shared. But, the important thing is... you shared. You shared in a safe place. You shared with this incredible, small band of brothers all of whom, on this particular thread, have faced some incredible demons. Maybe a step would be to keep posting on here. I can also connect you with some closed groups on the Book of Faces of men who are going through some incredibly difficult times.
Strength in the brotherhood.
Steven