I think my issues (and I 100% accept that these issues are mine, and no fault of my children) stem from my upbringing. I was a military brat and didn't grow up around family, at all. Never spent time with grandparents, uncles, cousins. Only met my maternal grandparents 5 times, I think. Later, my older sister got married and left when I was 15. I never learned how to make familial connections, or maybe I just thought that you don't get close to people, as they'll be gone soon enough. So I find myself teetering between being bothered that I don't have as much contact with my kids as I would like, or being fine with moving on in my life without thinking much about them.
Being a grandparent is not something I feel good about, either. I never had a "real" grandfather. My dad's dad died before I was born. My mom's dad just wasn't interested. I don't know how that relationship is supposed to work. My instinct is to just not get involved. I feel a lot of pressure to do things "the right way" but I honestly don't know what the right thing is. Just thinking about it makes me want to just walk out the door and drive away to parts unknown. Why???