I called my dad right before father's day, just to shoot the shit. He says "Oh yeah, I had a procedure the other day...". Four years ago, he almost died from a heart attack and wound up getting a triple bypass and some other shit done as well. I guess when he went in for a check-up recently, they didn't like what they heard, so he had an ultrasound done. His heart is working at about 50%, same as one side of his carotid. The other side of the carotid was 100% blocked 4 years ago and they bypassed that as well. So he tells me he's getting an angiogram on 7-2, they might also put in a stent or two. I took off work but with the covid shit, there can only be one person in the hospital with him and so my sister and I have been trying to formulate a plan. But starting last night, I've been racked with some kind of sickness. Don't think it's covid but what do I know? I don't have a fever but I've been shitting my brains out and have an awful headache. I don't want to just abandon ship on my sister but I don't know if I can allow myself to be around him. My guess is it's just "one of those things" that needs to run it's course.
I've had long-standing guilt issues and man, they are kicking my ass today. If I go, I'm a careless prick. If I stay away, I'm a cold-hearted prick. Even though I know it's just my imagination, I keep thinking my dad and sister will assume I'm lying about being sick so I can avoid going at all. I texted my sister today and gave her a heads-up, she didn't seem bothered at all but...guilt, guilt, guilt. And no, I haven't done anything in my past, I just have that thing going on inside my head.
If nothing changes, I won't go. My sister's husband is considered high risk and I don't want to potentially expose either of them. But I can't stop thinking that this could be it. He might not walk out of there. And I'd be home, doing nothing. Fuck.