Grandioso

America isn't prosperous enough. We need some trade wars and shutdowns to really shine. The Mulaney "Horse Loose in the Hospital" bit is so dead on. "But sometimes I ask people. I go, 'hey, how come you opened the door for the horse?' And they go, 'WELL THE HOSPITAL WAS INEFFICIENT!'"

Continuing the Cohen Bros / Camus theme... Mueller to Trump: "What’s the most you’ve ever lost on a coin toss?"

Gerrymandering helps solve the public policy dilemma of people voting for Democrats.

"From the dark horizon of my future a sort of slow, persistent breeze had been blowing toward me, all my life long, from the years that were to come."

Alex Jones' journey has been really amazing. Hardcore civil libertarian -> Semi-serious conspiracy theorist relying on real news and actual evidence -> Nutjob Conspiracy theorist -> King of all nutjob conspiracy theorists -> Generic rightwing nut/apologist -> Insane amplified caricature of himself and all prior incarnations -> Baffling avant garde performance artist

I'm not even really a Phish fan but this shit is wild. (Wait for it)

The titular banter from the Pod Save America episode "Subpoena Cannon" comes to mind. "Raining down subpoenas on Washington"

"Consider calling your stockbroker, financial advisor, or hedge fund manager" "Take a temporary title loan out on one of your yachts or luxury automobiles" "Determine if your grantor can convert your personal income trust into a spendthrift trust" More like "Pray about it, and consult with your Pastor"

"Some pornographic movies?" There's like 5 CHANNELS on pornhub where that's the ONLY setup to EVERY movie. Er...according to some perv I know.

While I'm sober, my plan seems more coke-fueled than psychedelic. Nevertheless, give me a budget of 2-3 million dollars and I'll save this country by Valentine's Day.

I could have Trump out of the White House in like 2 months max if the DNC and D's in Congress would just follow my plan. Trump is clearly pathologically narcissistic, increasingly erratic, and paranoid. It's also clear that his mental faculties are on a swift decline. The fucker seems to be only semi-literate at this point and writes at an 8th grade level (charitably). All you'd need to do is properly invade his already-mushy brain and fuck up his headspace into oblivion. (1) Find the oldest, ugliest, grossest, mean-ass cunt female in Congress and make her speaker. Someone that would make Pelosi look like a bikini model and Elizabeth Warren a bible school kindergarten teacher. (2) Make that woman speaker immediately. Alternatively, find some district or state where Hillary Clinton could be appointed to replace a resigning congressman, and make her speaker immediately. The existing congressman will just have to take one for the team. (3) Hire around 10 of the country's top psychologists, psychotherapists, psychologists, and scholars that lead their fields in the study and treatment of narcissistic personality disorder. (4) Hire like 10 of the CIA and FBI's best retired interrogators, preferably skilled in psyops. (5) Hire a team of the country's best, most wicked, scathing insult comedians. Jeffrey Ross, Lisa Lampanelli, the "between two ferns" writers (Scott Aukerman, Zach Galifinakis, BJ Porter), Robert Smigel, etc. Get a group of 20 motherfuckers that can make a person cry or storm out of his own Comedy Central roast. (6) Have the "science team" and the CIA spooks identify with pinpoint precision the most terrifying, unmanageable fears of Trump. I mean, specific topics, people, and shit that will without question make him seethe with hellish angst. His weight, his fake hair, his fat ass, his age, his fake wealth, his d-list celebrity status, his intelligence, Obama, etc. (I have always suspected the apolitical personal stuff stings him the most). All angles are explored to identify subjects, tone, etc that will most disastrously cut into the hyperfragile maniac that every narcissist is beneath his surface. Even identify every single word Trump is most afraid of, e.g., "weak," "powerless," "loser," etc. (7) Have the scientists/intelligence dudes collaborate with the comedians to create a bank of like 3,000 tweets. Each tweet must be fiendishly razor sharp enough to push Trump's buttons on the level of "Well, that's because he'd rather have a puppet as President of the United States." Thousands of insults and observations for which Trump will have no fucking comeback or just a lame ass quip. (8) Every night at like 2:30am, the hideous old congresscrone speaker unleashes 2-3 tweets. Donald will end up not being able to get to sleep, either staying up late to swait for them or be chased out of bed at like 3:00am by his own paranoia. (9) Then, every single day during Fox and Friends, Every Democratic member of Congress retweets the speaker of the house's tweets from the night before. (10) The process is repeated relentlessly, and with escalating cruelty. (11) As needed, modifications and improvised adjustments are made to ensure maximum mental damage is inflicted. For example, Trump's "counterpunches" might either be mocked, or totally ignored. It will depend on what the science folk determine will drive him the most batshit. (12) Every Dem must undergo a mandatory consultation/prep meeting with the CIA/psychologist/comedian voltron any time he/she interacts with Trump, either in person or on the phone (13) The "Trump Mindfuck Supersquad Dream Team" and its psyops campaign causes Trump to enter some sort of vegetative fugue state or he suffers a shocking psychotic meltdown requiring his immediate impeachment and involuntary commitment to a psych ward. Or he dies of shame, I really don't care. Nancy, Chuck. Call me!

Manafort and Cohen are damn dumb. It's the fucking FBI, not your wife. You can't just concede shit piecemeal or skate by on half truths. Flynn is the only dude playing his hand perfectly. Total cooperation with FBI, mouth shut.

She really hits every single talking point. They are somehow more Kremliny than the Kremlin. Not unlike Trump picking a national security adivsor and secretary of state that were literally the most favorable two humans on Earth for the jobs from Putin's perspective (aside from farming out the work to fucking Lavrov and Bortnikov), the tweets read like cut and pastes from the Sputnik daily briefing.

And this dinner was part of an event to honor fucking RT if I remember correctly. They are seated right next to the man himself in celebration of a state owned/operated version of Fox News. True patriots.

If Jacob Wohl wasn't confirmed 'tarded, he could become a comedic genius troll on the level of Andy Kaufman or Stephen Colbert.

Dammit Hugo, beat me to it.

Yeah, in my parents' SHSU yearbook there's a photo of ZZ Top sans beards. But not sans Beard.

Fuck! hahaha. I forgot about that. Yeah, send a couple of Young Republicans club aides to hunt down and intimidate the fucking king of all spooks. Good call.

Along with Steele, I think Great Britain has the fucking goods on all this shit. That's why I think Louise Mensch scores a scoop now and then.* I suspect she has ties to an MP with access to intelligence. *She's also been wrong about plenty of shit, IMO.

I was pretty shocked at the overall indifference to Trump down in the valley when I traveled there for work a couple times in 2016. Maybe not indifference, but definitely a registering on the low end of the outrage meter. I met with a client eariler this year down in McAllen. Hispanic marine veteran. Sean Hannity wouldn't have the balls to talk about illegal immigrants the way this guy did. Said they would come over, have kids, and the family would work every system and get on every kind of welfare/social service imaginable through the kids. Ultimately, he kind of conceded (but not really) that regardless of how you feel about immigrants getting on the doll, there was a racial aspect of all the Trump/Trumpkin rhetoric. I didn't go this far but I wanted to say something like, "beneath this movement isn't just your usual conservatism but a racial animus toward Mexicans, Central Americans, and latinos in general. You may be a legal immigrant (or first or second generation American) and a veteran, but given their druthers, these people would rather not have you or any people who look like you in the country. That's fucked up."

Doooooonaaaaald. Come out to play-yaaaaayyy.

Dope ass guitars from "The Gear of Instagram" collection on Reverb Gibson LP Rosewood Vourensaku Nash Cowboy Tele Fender Custom Shop Strat

Saw this tweet from Patton Oswalt and was like, damn I need to get my ass to this movie.