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FloridaHorn

Certifiably Surly
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Everything posted by FloridaHorn

  1. It was Thanksgiving 1986, at the tender age of 16 that I realized my family was different. For the first time, I brought a girlfriend to the family Holiday dinner. She was a good girl from a good family, and she wasn't ready for what that day would bring. Uncle Garry had been drinking since about 10 AM, while smoking cigarettes on the back porch. It was late afternoon when my Grandmother announced that dinner was ready and we should head to the table. Typical set up of young kids at a small table to the side and the rest of us circling the family table in the dining room. As we sit, Uncle Garry sits directly next to my date. As tradition would have it, we would all take turns to proclaim what we were most Thankful for that year. When it came to my girlfriend, she said "I am thankful for having a great boyfriend and getting to spend this holiday with his family", and a round of awwwwws spread throughout the room. Next up Uncle Garry, who mumbles a few words and then turns to my girlfriend and says, "So, how long did you make him wait before he got a little stinky on his pinky?" 1/2 the family was in shock, 1/2 in laughter and my elder grandma in confusion as she didn't hear/understand what was said. I was mortified, but not surprised and that was the last family Holiday that young lady attended with me. Fast forward about 5 years....set up is exactly the same as in 1986. Bible thumping Sherry's son decides that he is most thankful "to have a loving family that I know will support me, even though I am gay." Complete despair spread across Aunt Sherry's face, as she finally heard what most of the family had known for years. Her son, a supposed child of God, was homosexual. As she regained her composure, she broke the silence by asking if there were any other bombshells he wanted to drop, to which he replies, "Yes, I also got a tattoo, but its hidden on my hip where no one will see." Sherry musters the strength to ask what the tattoo says....and before he could answer, Uncle Garry blurts "It says I'm a Queer, Stick it Here!" And the road goes on forever and the party never ends.
  2. This is a difficult topic, as almost all of my family is equally embarrassing. As I have mentioned in other threads, my mother's side of the family is a complete trainwreck. My maternal Grandmother had 4 children, whom she decided to name Sherry, Jerry, Garry, and Larry. My maternal Grandfather died at a young age from chronic alcoholism. There are too many grandkids and great grandkids to count, but they are all equally fucked up in their own right. 3 People in this family have managed to get a college degree, me, my son, and my daughter. The rest of the lot still reside in various parts of Ellis County, so beware when you travel through that area. Sherry - the oldest of the lot is a total Bible thumper with 3 children. She and her husband own the compound where several family members towed their homes to live. She has a set of 350lb female twins and an openly gay son who she disowned when he came out as an 18 year old at the family Thanksgiving dinner. Jerry - My mother...married 7 times, but single and lived with her mother and Garry for the last 15 years of her life. Over the years, she managed to talk me out of over $100K in loans, which I never saw a penny of. The last of the money was given to her before Christmas in 2007, so she could buy presents for my kids. My son got a book and a backpack, my daughter got a JC Penney's dress, and my mother bought herself a $400 digital camera to record the whole event. The irony of the camera purchase is that she did not own a computer to download the pics. Garry - The real gem of the group, a raging Redneck and Bigot. He has never held a steady job, and lived with his mother for over 30 years of his adult life. When his mother passed away, it took Garry a whole 3 weeks to fall asleep while smoking and burn the beloved trailer house down. He now lives on the compound, in a travel trailer that he affectionately refers to as the "Pussy Palace." Garry is an alcoholic, and a pot head. He inherited the above mentioned trailer when his mother died. After the fire, he was given a little over $30K in insurance money (this was a really nice place. LOL) He spent most of the money on pot and budweiser, but managed to save enough to purchase a used 24' travel trailer as his dream dwelling. His son spent 14 years in the state prison, for manufacturing and selling meth. My brother was one of his main customers. Larry - Looks like Bozo, but with black hair. Worthless as the rest of the family, but somehow thinks he is above them. He has been on disability for about 20 years, though none of know exactly why. I will try and come back later and post a few Uncle Garry stories.
  3. spoiler alert. The rest of those dudes are actually 5'10"
  4. I wouldn’t say unprecedented, considering UT has a Big XII champion in the decathlon the exact same size.
  5. The ags suck, but they signed a better DB and LB class than us also.
  6. yes, and if he commits, he will be 2,000,000 % committed and we should respect his decision.
  7. By the way, really sad news from this weekend with the passing of Joan Joyce. Coach Joyce was the only coach FAU has ever had and was a true legend. She is the greatest American female athlete of all time, is a member of several Hall of Fames, and played professionally in several sports. When my daughter was being recruited, she was one of the most genuine coaches we got to meet. Rest High Joan!
  8. In a year or so, she will be able to add a SEC Championship to her record.
  9. Yes, because we all know that size is the most important trait for any successful QB. Just look at that Behemoth Drew Brees for proof.
  10. No shit. David Boothe Stadium will be rocking with hundreds of fans in attendance.
  11. I see Sark has a designated driver. Smart move by CDC
  12. With this trade, maybe Waddle finally portals to Texas.
  13. Easier to take selfies and promote her brand from a stable environment like the dugout.
  14. This is a bad take. They haven’t even started conference play yet and you think they are in danger of missing the tournament? We may never know what was truly going on with this team at the start of the year, but they seem to have figured it out. They will make the tournament and they will host a regional.
  15. It just got substantially more crowded.
  16. Oh for God's sake, you guys get your shit together...Which is it?
  17. Overall, this team is much improved over where they started. They are starting to score some runs offensively, and Dolcini is finally settling into the ace roll. Simpson and O'Leary need to be more consistent, and we need to run the basis better than the average T ball team, but they are getting better.
  18. This thread fucks...especially the last page or so. Hamm wishing On3 goodluck and then warning them he will soon be coming for them is rich.
  19. Far better than what she did to our last pitcher. Seems as though Coach White has them out of a funk and starting to play a little better. The pitching has to improve, along with the defense, but all in all, not a terrible weekend on the diamond for the girls.
  20. Back in the day, I drank a bunch of them Big Mouth bastards.
  21. Well, he will certainly get more opportunities.
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