They sent me to a psychiatrist because of some bad thoughts during my relapse. I have since learned to never be totally honest with a psychologist, they have to report that stuff and send you to the pill people. The shrink had me take all sorts of quizzes even though I'd told the lady I had been drinking that morning. Came back that I was depressed (no shit), anxious (very), had trouble sleeping (yup), and then said I was bi polar. I told the lady that her clever quiz was correct, I was bi polar. I'm a decent, caring human who feels empathy and normal emotions when I'm sober, and I am an emotional crazy mood swinging motherfucker when I've got the right amount of vodka in me, especially in the morning. I told her I needed help getting out of my head and something for the anxiety/sleep so I could not die while I was hitting my bottom. She loaded me up with a bunch of stuff that made me not care about anything and actually made the situation worse, because anti-depressants + booze is fucking looney toons.
Whole point of the story is I know there are a lot of folks with bi-polar disorder and it must be a living hell, I can't imagine feeling like that and not being sure where it comes from. My eyes were awaken that day that even though I told the "professional" I was an alky who'd been drinking that morning, there must be a high rate bad diagnosis. This is not an anti psychologist/psych story, my psychologist helped me greatly with some PTSD and family issues. It is just a warning to any of those reading this that you might want to take a serious diagnosis with a grain of salt if you think you might have a drinking problem or drink a lot. Alcohol, especially long term abuse can change your brain chemistry so that it appears and sometimes manifests itself into something completely different. Be sober for a while before taking what a Dr says as gospel. That's actually what normal people do when they're down and depressed. They don't drink to make shit "better".
Anyways, the bi-polar thing got me thinking and how grateful I am to be sober today. I hope anyone out there struggling today can know that there is hope and a different life if you try something different. Much love, happy days.