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Marfa Low Crown

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Everything posted by Marfa Low Crown

  1. You think that was a coincidence? You're a microcosm of this thread; a beacon for the hopelessly distressed who've shit their pants and have no one to turn to. You're now a confidant and protectorate. Think of this as equity earned from participating in these threads over the years now channeled into a benefit for mankind. Username checks out. 🤘
  2. Oh, my brother... do I feel this pain. Growing up my older sister had a childhood friend and my mom was good friends with this girl's mother. My sister's friend was an only child and her mother was a widow....husband KIA in Vietnam. I'm guessing this is around 1979 or 80, I'm a kid and my sister and I go on an out of state vacation with the mom and the daughter. My sister and her friend are 4 years older and when you're about 6 or 7 like I was, well man that age difference might as well be a gulf. So, I didn't fit in... and the my sister and her friend bullied me a little on the trip... but it was nothing, nothing, at all even compared to the shitty thing I did. Some hot afternoon on the trip and I'm mad because my sister's friend says something to me that I don't like. I tell her she's a bastard because she doesn't have a dad. Even then I know that is not the definition of a bastard but I say it to her anyway just to be an asshole. She runs off crying and a few minutes later her mom walks up to me. I will never, ever, forget how calm and gracious she was. This is how you adult. She explained to me the definition of a bastard and also why her daughter wasn't one. Her father? Capt. Stephen Bennett KIA VIetnam Congressional Medal of Honor. Gentlemen, it did not take me a few years to forgive myself. It took a few decades.
  3. Richard Pryor Mitch Hedberg
  4. My oldest brother was going through this exact thing the last time I saw him. Saw him sitting out on the front porch very late on the second night he and his wife were in town. He had a 12 pack next to him and was downing the beers in about 2-3 gulps like a man on a mission. I asked him what was up and he explained very calmly that he was just taking a break from his wife confronting him with his cell phone history. He got up and smacked me on the shoulder, "Alright bud, going back upstairs pretty sure she's going to read me my emails next.".
  5. Who wants to tell them this not the first dyke bar ever in Austin...
  6. Doubled down this evening at Subway and ordered the exact same combination that ruined my pants except this time with penne pasta. If there is a portent of things to come, let it be the belabored squirting, farting, and heaving noises of the sauce bottle as she liberally applied it to my pasta. It was enough to make any poster on this thread or child under 12 laugh spontaneously with no saving throw. Obviously I deserve whatever happens next but now that I suspect an enemy camped at the gate, I won't get surprised again.
  7. Holy mother of Jesus. It began with a build your own pizza from Subway. I chose a simple collection of ingredients I have ordered in the past without issue. Even the staff remarked that the pizza looked and smelled amazing. At the time I was not aware of the ominous foreshadowing of these statements. I had half the pizza for dinner and the first signs of trouble began in the wee hours of the morning. I woke up paining to release a long series of staccato machine gun farts that delivered a grievous and putrid assault upon the senses. Although I had terrible gas I detected no danger and fell back asleep blissfully unaware of the roiling cauldron of fury and deception that was brewing within. Early the next day the killer struck in the predawn darkness as I was pouring my first cup of coffee downstairs. Without almost no warning I became aware of the pressure of a fart whose timetable was not my own nor would it be denied. Perhaps there was some quantum trickery, a Schrodinger's fart of sorts , where solid and gas flipped states at the last possible instant....but what I know for sure is what came out met the bare minimum definition of a fart. This transitioned seamlessly into a mudslide punctuated by thermal pockets of gut cracking explosive gas. There was no stopping it, no amount of clenching, I simply was not in control of anything. Above, is the best visual representation I can provide to the group of what took place in my pants as I raced to the nearest bathroom. With a shower. Although not especially religious, I found myself thanking God for tile and hardwood floors as I trotted through the house well aware that my own shit was running down both of my legs. I came to a sliding and defeated landing on the toilet seat as the final salvos of the war inside my ass were fired into the toilet bowl. It was a hellish oscillation between raucous gas and flying soft serve that left me beleaguered with an abused and smoking butthole. However, I was also overtaken with calm. Perhaps it was because this was not the first time I had been on a toilet sitting in my own shit, but I knew exactly what to do and quickly. Jeans, underwear, and socks were rolled into a ball...and written off as KIA. A quick visit to Amazon on the cellphone and a pair of replacement jeans were already on the conveyor getting ready to head my way before I had even flushed the toilet. Quick rinse in the shower and from start to finish the entire ordeal was less than 10 minutes. Hopefully, this will be my first and last entry for 2025.
  8. I hate to even upvote this. Don't need any more you bastards in my hunting grounds 🤘
  9. You know it bro, your mind just didn't go there off the bat. It's the acronym for the order of operations in math. 🤘 P: Parentheses E: Exponents M: Multiplication D: Division A: Addition S: Subtraction
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