Well, it had been pretty smooth sailing for a while until things ran aground last night and I recreated the Exxon Valdez disaster in my pants.
Was out with some friends at the local bar and went to take a leak. The line was long but there's a dark alley behind the place I've used many times to bypass this exact situation. For total concealment I get behind a shed that's back there and let it go. Felt a fart coming and maybe I relaxed the ass muscles too much, I really don't know but this was a straight up mud slick and I knew it was bad. Real bad.
The ONLY thing that saved me shitting straight through my pants was the thermal underwear I was also wearing. I'd put them on for warmth when the front came through but I had no idea their dying gift to me would be so much more. Time was of the essence so I stripped down naked below the waist as quickly as possible. Underwear and thermals were toast, instant toilet paper, pretty routine there.... but the real moment was holding my pants up to the light of a nearby telephone pole. Please, please, be clean I prayed. Thank god they were. I was so lucky. Had this happened in the tiny bathroom I'd have had no hiding spot to conceal the wreckage of my underwear. The only way I could have resolved it would have been to carry them out of the bathroom with me through the entire bar undoubtedly leaving a scent trail of utter foulness in my wake. Instead, I threw the tangled and ruined bundle onto the top of the shed and smartly walked back into the bar to rejoin my friends. I ordered another beer and said, " Sorry, long line at the restroom. Ok so what were we talking about?".