Thank you! Thank you so much. Well, this is unexpected. Well, actually not. We suspected we could be the recipient, but all things just needed to fall in place just right. And they did!
First, much thanks needs to go here at home to FSU. Thanks to our administration for very vocally earlier this year lobbying to leave a weak ACC. That was integral to getting where we ended up on Sunday. To that call out of the weak ACC, thank you FSU. Also, to that point, thank you to the ACC (some applause). Thank you Clemson, Miami, and Mack - where are you? there - thank you. I know I’m forgetting other crappy teams, so apologies in advance. Now, Louisville (emotional pause), a special thanks to you for being so inept Saturday night. For stepping on your dicks as you did. Whoops, sorry to the censors for that! (hearty laughs). You lost to a crappy SEC UK team and then dug deep to follow it up with so much help in being horribly bad on Saturday. Credit to you. We love you.
Now, credit to F - S - U!!! Seven three and outs!! (Applause), nine punts!! (growing applause), 55 yards passing!! (thunderous applause). We did it!! We kept us out of the playoffs. Again, thank you so much for this craptastic honor. We want to be humble, but I’m sorry, we truly deserve it.
(FSU begins to exit stage, but returns to mic). Oh, wait, wait. One more (looking directly at Big 10 and PAC 12, sitting next to ACC) I almost forgot to thank you for working so closely and so well with the ACC to effectively postpone the 12 team playoff this year. Without your strong alliance, we would have made the playoffs this year and played Liberty, while avoiding OU who would have been left out even though ranked No. 12. We couldn’t forget that strange and lovely coming together of the three of you all. I’m sure Oregon, Penn State, and Ohio State are also very thankful for your immense efforts. Thank you.
Ok, that’s all we got! That music means we reached our time limit! (Alabama Alma mater starts playing in the background)