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RDCanecutter

Certifiably Surly
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Everything posted by RDCanecutter

  1. My wife and I were staying at this campground up in the hills. There was an RV near us with "just married" stuff painted all over it. Every morning I'd be outside drinking coffee, and I'd see this little dude get out of that RV, carrying fishing gear, and he'd walk down to the lake to fish. He'd fish all damn day. Every day. After about three days of this, we were wondering what kind of honeymoon that could be. So me, not having any shame, the next morning I went up to him at the water's edge, and spoke. Me: You like fishing, huh? "Yep yep ah lahk fishin." And you're on your honeymoon? "Yep yep honeymoon wife's the purtiest gal you ever done seen." So, yeah... so, why aren't you spending more time with her? "Wif her? Like, why?" Well, for sex, man! "Aw, SEX! HAHAHA aw naw we cain't do that raht now she's all ate up wif the gonorrhea." Aw fuck, sorry I asked-- "And they's no ways to do the back door, cuz she's all afflicted turrible with the diarrhea..." (gag) "And ah cain't git no blow-job cuz she's got the pyorrhea, gums all ate up lahk a zombie movie..." Gotdammit man, why'd you even marry a woman like that? "Oh that's easy," he said as he baited the hook, "She's got worms."
  2. It's like a hot wind on your shoulder, coming in from a world that is older.
  3. I am pretty comfortable with a former coup-plotter further alienating the Army.
  4. Back when I was living in bars, the Freddy Frats would use "fight" to mean "boxing match." My bouncer friend used "fight" to mean "I agree to a boxing match, and when you turn to walk outside, I smash a bottle on the back of your head." Bars were fun.
  5. I would be too tempted to walk around screaming.
  6. What's the Japanese name for it? I wanna order some fireworm sushi.
  7. How bout them compression socks? You're ridin the pain-killer train and them dang ol socks keep a zhushin and a pushin, man. Also, for when you go home, if you have a bouncy dog who's glad to see you, sleep with a pillow over the incision.
  8. I would like to buy bugs, mold, and mildew that contain no meat. Please advise.
  9. The simplest solution I can think of would be to ignore the wiring, and replace the TV with a large painting of some favorite moment in sports. That feeling is what you're looking to recapture every time you watch a new game, and let's be honest, they usually disappoint. So go for a 100% chance of happiness with your favorite sports painting. Maritime plywood oughta do the trick. I would not frame it or otherwise cover it, because june bugs will get up inside it, try to eat their way back out, then die.
  10. So, when absconding, bribe the tolltag company intern.
  11. Wash bucket and clothes line ftw!
  12. Let's not mock science.
  13. Or why wait that long? #naturesozempic
  14. Mrs. Canecutter has ignored all Wisdom of the Tribe, and has her heart set on some sort of LG dryer-stacked-on-top-of-washer creation. I am reduced to brute labor shoveling a small mud slide away from the basement door we don't use but that the washers will move through. Guess I need a dolly or a burro or Pyramid builders or whatever.
  15. I expect to see her in a Sovereign Citizen arrest video soon.
  16. (Napoleonic) Code is Law.
  17. Hey, they knew how to break a few eggs when they were setting up the Bosporan Kingdom. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bosporan_Kingdom
  18. Wakanda, fine country beautiful country we love Wakanda and the people love me there. Big Wakandans, Strong Wakandans, they come up to me, tears streeeaming over their facial tattoos-- that's what they do there, put these facial tattoos, like how they ID you, you don't need a wallet or a driver's license, the cop pulls you over, very courteous, they just take a sec to look at your facial tattoos, boom, "Oh hi, Mr. Adelelewakaboomboom, could you please please just slow it down a tad, we have baby elephants on their way to school here." Very courteous. We could learn from my fine Wakandan supporters. Should Wakanda be a state? I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no, maybe we'll see. I actually think they'd be on the losing end of things, forced to associate with some of our Blue State riff-raff. I'd hate that. Those facial tattoos, you know I'm not impressed with ethnic types but hey. WAKANDA WE LOVE YOOOOU.
  19. The servants were supposed to fetch it ages ago.
  20. You member when the Germans busted through at Sedan in their little rat-wagon tanks, and French Generals were demanding written orders before they'd counterattack the flanks as a CYA measure in case it failed, because French Generals hated other French Generals more than they feared the Germans? Moi je me member.
  21. I prefer to think that you just haven't met the right bridge.
  22. I had the weirdest thing happen Sunday. After months of getting kicked to the curb by my new rat poison, Lenvima, all of a sudden I felt hungry. Said to Mrs. Canecutter "let's go to Dave's Pizza." (local joint that exists in an Austin-in-the-90s magic bubble.) Outside she goes to get in the car. I'm "Hey, let's walk." Not exactly a trek through the Alps but you do cross some little hills. I'm powering up and down them right there with her. What is this feeling? This weird feeling? It hits me-- for the first time in a long time, I feel normal. Now, maybe I'm about to get toenail cancer or some other fresh hell. Maybe next week I'll have the shits for 72 hours straight. But dammit, I've had Stage 4 cancer for at least 6 years now, and up popped some good days. May all y'all have some as well.
  23. I would actually be interested in a digital currency valued at 8 reales to a peso.
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