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RDCanecutter

Certifiably Surly
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Everything posted by RDCanecutter

  1. Reminds me of the first time I heard the word "slurry."
  2. What? Too good for Palermo?
  3. Ukraine needs to capture Murmansk, then start working their way south from there.
  4. I never postured myself as some three-piece suit type.
  5. They don't eat lettuce. Maybe if CiCi's pizza goes up too much.
  6. Reminds me of the Tom Cruise War of the Worlds when the commuter train shoots past full of flames. Ring of Fire: A friend taught English in Taiwan. He would have little kids belting out that song every morning.
  7. My theory is that Georgia, Alabama, and Mississippi are all the same state with three different personality disorders.
  8. That may have been a non-rhotic adaptation because othuhwise it'd come out as "AH-cee". That's how I talked until I mingled with twangy hillbilly kids who teased me about making "guard" rhyme with "God." So I overcorrected. Gard in heaven. But honestly, my RC fixation came as an adult. In childhood I was more of an Old Dutch Chocolate man. It has vanished along with the stores and towns where I'd get it during backroad trips to Flawda.
  9. New? That's been the mantra as long as I've been alive. Though in fairness to Mississippi, they recently got a bug up their ass and improved their reading scores from 50th to about 35th place. Or else 15 other states just slid behind them. Flip a coin.
  10. You make that sound like a bad thing.
  11. Change "install ceiling fan" to "perform interpretive dance in East German cabaret," and I've got that list locked down.
  12. How were they even able to see him with all that camo on?
  13. THAT'S THE LIE THEY SPOON-FEED US, SHEEPLE!
  14. How much do you pay for almost-sober semi-retirees to accost passerby while wearing a sandwich board touting your wares, Sir?
  15. Sounds like the kid skipped a couple of grades.
  16. "Vouz avez un nez... très grand." [I fucked up. Start it at 1:50.]
  17. Everything sounds great in a Mexican radio announcer's voice. Those motherfuckers love life, every word hitting like fresh rivets from a dude who just found out his 20-year-old mistress is going to name her baby after him and this one will bring him pride, hombre, not like that slacker poet gorducho ese sitting on the sofa at home playing sus bloop bloop bloop videojueguiiiitos to' el pinche día weyyy. Yeah. So when I taught Spanish, and Tyler and Kendra would mope through their readings, I'd stop them, and ask them to get in touch with their inner Mexican radio announcers. Dunno if it helped, but at least I was less bored.
  18. My Texas brethren, after growing up in the almost most retarded state of Alabama (Thanks Mississippi, now jump for the cookie-- GOOD BOY) I need to tell you, you never wanna go full Abbott.
  19. You want bottle of water? Smash store window. Looted store is empty, and you still want water? Advance to next town.
  20. My wife and I were staying at this campground up in the hills. There was an RV near us with "just married" stuff painted all over it. Every morning I'd be outside drinking coffee, and I'd see this little dude get out of that RV, carrying fishing gear, and he'd walk down to the lake to fish. He'd fish all damn day. Every day. After about three days of this, we were wondering what kind of honeymoon that could be. So me, not having any shame, the next morning I went up to him at the water's edge, and spoke. Me: You like fishing, huh? "Yep yep ah lahk fishin." And you're on your honeymoon? "Yep yep honeymoon wife's the purtiest gal you ever done seen." So, yeah... so, why aren't you spending more time with her? "Wif her? Like, why?" Well, for sex, man! "Aw, SEX! HAHAHA aw naw we cain't do that raht now she's all ate up wif the gonorrhea." Aw fuck, sorry I asked-- "And they's no ways to do the back door, cuz she's all afflicted turrible with the diarrhea..." (gag) "And ah cain't git no blow-job cuz she's got the pyorrhea, gums all ate up lahk a zombie movie..." Gotdammit man, why'd you even marry a woman like that? "Oh that's easy," he said as he baited the hook, "She's got worms."
  21. It's like a hot wind on your shoulder, coming in from a world that is older.
  22. I am pretty comfortable with a former coup-plotter further alienating the Army.
  23. Back when I was living in bars, the Freddy Frats would use "fight" to mean "boxing match." My bouncer friend used "fight" to mean "I agree to a boxing match, and when you turn to walk outside, I smash a bottle on the back of your head." Bars were fun.
  24. I would be too tempted to walk around screaming.
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