After irth

Thanks for the support. It was weird sitting down and typing stuff. I was trying to provide bullet-points for perspective, but it was hard to paint an accurate picture. I completely skipped quite a few things that are driving my anger, frustration, and stress. They’re no excuses, but they are explanations for my behavior that I cannot seem to turn off. Bottom line: the past year-and-a-half has sucked, and I have been increasingly self-medicating. I had a bleeding esophageal ulcer in October, and that mightily encouraged me to dry out for a few months. It wasn’t difficult. Not drinking isn’t hard. I have had no further health issues, and I am in decent shape (could stand to lose 20 pounds) The last few times I’ve “gone out for a few beers”, I’ve given myself the internal pep talk, “Behave. Be sensible.” Nope. Doesn’t work. It’s hard to stop once I start. So…maybe I should just embrace the “NOT drinking isn’t hard” mentality. I’m tempted to dismantle my bar and clear up half a room in my house for some other use. I love Music. I have a huge music collection that actually requires attention and “curating”. I’m a classically-trained pianist married to a virtuoso violinist (and guitarist). I love to read. I love cooking. I have hobbies, interests, and a life with an awesome wife (no pics). She’s 15 years younger than me, and I have every incentive to live to be a thriving old fart. I guess I know what I need to do, huh?

Thank you, Mac. I truly appreciate the feedback. I don't have kids. I've never had a spouse call me on my shit (until now). I've never hit Rock Bottom. I have done stupid shit, I've embarrassed myself (but not in front of close friends), and I've never been pulled over or anything (thank God). Somehow...I have maintained...and people seem to love me. But...I have this nagging feeling that something terrible lurks...and I really don't wanna test what might come next.

I've been meaning to share here, but haven't had the chance to sit at a real keyboard and "get it out", so to speak...but I thank the Surly members that showed their support for my dip-of-the-toe a few weeks ago. Essentially, I'm a long time listener but first time caller. I'm 51. I've always been a partier. Since college. Dominant personality with a hedonistic attitude. For anyone that's ever been in a band, when I say that I suffer from LSD (Lead Singer Disease), well then...you can extrapolate my dominant personality from that...ha! I've never stopped, though. I've always been a party animal, even though I live a fairly domesticated existence. I cook, and I'm damn good at it, but it gives me an excuse to drink while I do it. On the grill, at the stove, in the oven, managing the smoker...always a cold beer, glass of wine, or excellent Bourbon in my hand. We moved (back to Texas...yay!) to Lufkin from Fort Myers, FL in 2019 with nothing. The first pieces of furniture purchased were a Smoker and a Bar. My idea of going on vacation is going to the local bars, hanging with the locals, and finding out about the area. Or...going to places I know and drinking (and eating). My tolerance is so fucking huge that I'm perfectly fine until...I'm not. By the time the alcohol kicks in, I'm well beyond redemption. The next morning yields nothing but blackouts and guilt (even if I've done nothing). In January 2021, my Mother died. She died at home, in my Father's arms at their home in Seguin. 3 minutes later, I pulled into the driveway (after a 300 mile drive), with my Doctor-Wife in my ear urging me to check for a pulse (she was previously on the phone with my Father). That's how I said goodbye to my Mother (who was already dead). My Father had been her full time caregiver for the previous 5 years. Since then, I have spent the past 16 months as HIS caregiver. Without exaggeration, 50% of my time was spent in Seguin between January and August 2021, and then we moved my Father into our house in Lufkin. And then had to go back to deal with...shit. Did I mention that my Father had 3 shoulder surgeries during this time-frame and that I was there to see him through it all...? We weren't prepared for the level of dysfunction that surrounded him. He's never once had to clean up after himself...and it shows. He's grieving. He's depressed. He's (we know NOW) clinically suffering from Dementia. There is not a day goes by that I don't clean up something that has been (either) bled on, pissed on, or smeared with shit, and nothing I do/say seems to correct his behavior/awareness. Fuck it...I'm tired of typing. Suffice it to say that my motto has always been: I don't drink to escape, I drink to cope. Well...clearly I'm coping with more than I can stand. I'm a Binge Drinker. Plain and simple. I known the Weekend Warriors, and the Habitual Drinkers, and the Every Day Drunks, but none of those are me. I don't have to drink every day. I'm perfectly fine on the days that I don't, but... On the days I DO drink, I just cannot moderate. I think I have come to terms with "being powerless". Therein lies my problem. I don't want to quit, but I will if I have to. I just want to cut down. But...if I am truly powerless before alcohol, then... By they way, it is 9:50pm. I started drinking at 12:30pm. Since then, I have had (2) Speckled Hen, (1) Yuengling Light), (2) Modelo Draft, 5 Fishbowl Margs, (2) Modelo Draft, (3) Carlsberg pints, and (1) Miller Lite. And I'm still typing this..... I'm angry. I'm pissed. I'm doing 8 million fucking things a day. And...I'm drunk. And I'm trying to figure out how to improve.....

War Cloud sounds great to me, and they are the ones kicking off the festival at 3pm Friday. I will definitely plan on catching their set. Can't go wrong with Slough Feg...looking forward to their particular brand of Metal quirkiness. Cheers!

Also…this one next Thursday.

Any Surly metalheads attending Hell’s Heroes in Houston next weekend?

Go on....

Much thanks to you guys for the outreach. I'm not hitting rock bottom or anything, but I feel like some serious changes need to take place. I'll gladly share more later and, perhaps, join the club. Much love to you supportive buncha Surly assholes.

Fargo's for BBQ. Take cash. Twin Peaks has a better than average Bourbon selection and COLD beer. Excellent scenery as well. Most of the time, I end up at Hooters, though. The wife and I once had an excellent meal at Solt, if you're looking for something a bit more elevated.

Mac and Moby give me hope. I feel like I need to check in to this thread.

I was a big fan of the comic in the 80s. Not really liking the beginning with Steven Grant as the starting point. Wasted a whole hour out of 6 with a bit of character development and mostly random fuckery. Hope it gets better.

Another very happy Baratza Encore owner here, in case you're still keeping track. As for the preferred coffee around here? Peets. Their limited release, single origin stuff, specifically. Check out their website.

Good call on the username. Totally checks out.

That is very cool. Both sides of my family lived off Blanco in the neighborhoods just south of Hildebrand. Judging from the outpouring on social media, there are sooooo many families that have "history" with Jacala. That place has been a huge part of my life, as well as the life of friends and family. I feel like a part of Home burned down this morning. So strange to mourn the loss of a restaurant, but.....

Fuck! https://www.ksat.com/news/local/2022/03/17/san-antonio-firefighters-respond-to-fire-at-north-side-restaurant/?outputType=amp

Dead to me as well. Damn them. Thanks for the rec on the Red Lion.

The downhill slide on that place was swift and sad, though. But it was a damn good place while it lasted. I miss it.

Jesus Howard Christ on a popsicle stick...that's just fucking ridiculous.

Pilot paycheck talk not going away.

No love for St. Mary’s location, bro?

Why should he limit his diarrhea to only one day?

1/2 tsp per lb. is my standard at home.

That's some meaningful shit right there. Now THAT's how you do Lent. Best wishes with your goals there, my friend.

Agreed in The Esquire. i’m a Sip loyalist every morning there, too. Always fun to hang out and people watch the crowds at The Starbucks across the street. Damn, man…I kinda wanna book a SA trip now. It’s been too long.

Way to lay down that man-card.