I started drinking at 13 and smoking weed by 15. I always liked to experiment. Thankfully, I thought, I didn’t have an addictive personality. While I experimented, it never went past that. Weed, shrooms, extasy, Oxy, etc. never sank their hooks in me.
When I was 18, I went off to some below average state school. For most of us, no matter your major, your minor was binge drinking. Nobody I was around drank a few beers. We drank all the beers and as quickly as possible. Kings Cup, quarters, asshole, etc. were all fun games to accelerate our drunkenness. That’s what it’s all about, right? You threw up, no problem, puking rally. Still, things felt under control. Drinking was mostly done 2-3 times a week and I was Dean’s List routinely. Drinking to excess couldn’t be a problem if I was excelling in other areas.
My 20’s were more of the same. Drink twice a week to excess. Only now, I realized that plenty of people around me weren’t behaving in the same manner. My excessive consumption was more noticeable and it brought a dose of shame. So, I did what any reasonable person would do, isolate myself from the non-drinkers. They were too uptight and boring to hang around anyways. That left me surrounded by people with similar behaviors and nobody to make me feel guilty. Problem solved and let the good times roll.
It wasn’t until my mid 30s where I realized my drinking was becoming an issue. Most of my friends had slowed way down by then. I hadn’t, but most of them didn’t notice or at least didn’t say anything. I knew I was abusive with alcohol but still figured I had it under control. I wasn’t getting arrested, stayed in good shape, was moving up the corporate ladder, and had married an absolute amazing woman. That didn’t excuse my drinking, but it gave me the illusion that the damage from it could be mitigated.
I just hit my 40s and know my behavior is unacceptable and I don’t have this under control anymore. At first that didn’t stop anything, rather just made me very secretive about my drinking. I’m fairly bright, detailed oriented, and observe a lot around me. These qualities were key as I started to hide my drinking. Bottles hidden around the house, stopping at a bar before I go to the party so I can have an extra 3 drinks nobody sees, picking up a tall can and drinking it on the way home so my wife only notices me having a couple beers that night. Recently, not surprisingly drunk, I admitted to a close friend I have a problem. The next morning, I informed my wife as well. She already knew but probably not to the full extent. She also admitted she has a problem with alcohol which brings me unbearable guilt. I brought her into this drinking culture and truly don’t think she would have this issue if she hadn’t met me.
I still think, perhaps naively, I can get this under control. Telling those two people I have a drinking problem created some accountability that was lacking before. I set some strict drinking rules I feel any normal person should be able to abide by. If I can’t follow those, then I shouldn’t have a drink ever again. Maybe that is the inevitable outcome of this and I’m just the last to know.