My dearest friend Mrs Llama is a beautiful blonde babe, a glamorous golden goddess, a lusciously and truly beautiful person and stone fox to boot (no pics, fuck you, perverts) but in candid moments will admit to being geospatially challenged.
Listening to her (attempting to) give directions by phone is almost painful until it gets bizarre, then hilarious. Unless the person receiving these directions knows a fixed point of reference which Mrs. Llama also knows or vice versa, or can properly use their phone to navigate, it’s utterly hopeless. These “directions” usually start out:
“Okay, you know that really big highway with all the lawyer billboards? Youknow, beside Dr. Berry’s office? Well, you wanna stay off that road, you’ll just get lost. Okay, start at the Walgreens, then go straght, then turn at the school. No, not the high school! The elementary school. Go down the turnoff toward the old bridge until you get to the Y intersection. Okay, then go straight.”
The words “north, south, east and west” never ever enter the conversation, nor does any expression of distance or time. Those are rules. In the end, most of her directionees end up teaching themselves to use their GPS app, or I drive to a midpoint and lead them in.
She always loved Leon Russell’s classic, “A Song for You.”
“I love you, Mrs. Llama, in a place where there’s no space and time. . . .”