Thanks, Swandered. That describes me to a "T."
A bit of a "drunkalogue" as I'm reflective upon my time one year ago, leading up to the beginning of my first ever attempt at sobriety:
One year ago today, my wife / kids / dog left town for a few days. Leading up to that time, for the past several months, I had been subjected to "controlled, monitored" drinking by the wife which was only controlled as far as she could see, and monitored when we were in the room together. I had a pretty tame night the first night she was gone; drank NEARLY a handle of tequila, ate fried chicken, and watched a couple of episodes of Tom Hanks' "The Pacific," which I'd never seen before. "Pretty tame."
The next morning, since I had more to drink than I had in a while, I felt pretty crappy, and before a meeting with some potential sellers at a property for my side gig, I had a few more chugs to get the day going. By the end of that property walk-around, I could barely walk or talk, let alone offer anything sagely to the realtors. I somehow made it to my car without falling down, but it was obvious I was drunk. I commenced to back into a parking bollard and wreck my car, then drove home, probably with a stop at Spec's on the way.
The rest of the day was a blackout. I skipped work, drank, slept, and who knows what. That night, I remember being in my car, parked in front of my driveway gate, but without my keys. I then couldn't remember the gate code, so I climbed the fence, tore myself up pretty good, then tried to break into my own house. No telling how long this went on, but I remember waking with the sun the next morning, covered in mosquito bites, and remembered the gate code. Found my keys in the passenger seat of my car, went inside, and proceeded to get ready for work, which I would skip for two more days.
Thankfully, a moment of "God," when on day 4, two friends came to pick me up, asked me if I was drunk, and I admitted a problem. After several days, two ER visits, a tried and failed sober living house situation, and a completely destroyed 13th birthday party for my son, I was in IOP and back to work, and began this sober journey of self-reflection and spirituality.
I'm thinking a lot about that dark void I was in. I think a lot about the "not good enough-ness" I've led myself to believe in for years. I have been thinking a lot about that lost week, where I went, what I did, and how I survived.
I'm very blessed to be sober today, a few days short of a year, and thankful for all those who came before me, in rooms, in this forum, and everywhere else. I have today, and although I could be beating myself up, I'm thankful to be here instead of there.
TL:DR - anniversary of going completely insane and thankful to be sober today.