I have said on here that I work as a server. Love the job and most of the people I work with. There are a few exceptions and one is this Irish guy named Curtis. I try to avoid conversations with him and partly it’s because I can’t understand anything he’s saying and also because he says some highly questionable things about people in general. I ask another server how he deals with him and he said “Oh it’s simple. When he tries to talk to me I just make up a crazy story and he doesn’t know what to say so he just walks away.” I make a mental note and decide to try this out sometime soon.
So about three weeks ago I see Curtis talking to my friend and I hear him say “You know I had a table yesterday that was really tired from walking around the city. So I said well take your shoes off and I’ll give you a foot massage.” Curtis seems bewildered hearing this. He continues on and says “They were so happy I did that that they left me a 100. You should try it Curtis” I decide to go ahead and ad lib with him. I said “Alex I’m so glad you took my advice and did that! I told you it would work because I have done it too.”
Now Curtis seems to have no clue what is happening there so he attempts to tell a story about how he gets people to buy shots when he is serving them. On the fly I make up a story. One thing I am good at is deadpanning a story, especially one I am making up as I go along. @BearSchlong will probably kill me for this one, but I said “You know a few months ago I had four guys come in and I asked them what brought them here. They said they were here to celebrate one of them being sober for seven years. I said what better way to celebrate than to have a drink after all these years! I said the guys all got drunk and the now freshly not sober guy showed me his Instagram and I followed him. A week later, I said in a dim voice, he posted a caption on there stating that he would be away from social media for a good long while because he relapsed on his drinking and was headed to rehab. Again Curtis did not know what to say and right before he left two women I work with look at me and say “Oh my God did you feel bad that you gave him alcohol?” Alex knows this is all completely farcical and made up, but Curtis doesn’t and neither do they. Only Alex knows I haven’t drank in 4.5 years and don’t even bother recommending alcohol to guests even though I am supposed to. I deadpan that he was a grown man and it was his choice to drink.” With that I walk away and Curtis is just left there with, thankfully, nothing to say. Alex had to walk away from laughing at me. An hour later, I see the two women again and walk up and tell them that none of that story was true. It was just to get Curtis to leave us alone. They were both relieved because they thought that was really out of character that I would do that because I always seem so happy and am nice to everyone.
This story by the next day has made its way to two of the managers. I was perhaps expecting a response of disapproval, but instead both were laughing and could not believe I could deadpan a story made up on the spot like that. One of them said it was the funniest thing they heard a server do in all the years they have worked in restaurants.