hundredTT

Just checking in gents to say still fucking up. I'm supposed to have a ,meeting to plead for my job tomorrow morning, and decided to not even go. I'm checked out and gonna be drinking all night even more anyways. Don't know how I'l afford life anymore, but I've lost about all my support anyways from family at this point and my fiancee who im now single from. Rock bottom may not be much further. Not to sounds like a pity party, not dead though so got that going for me. I know the road can definitely get off track compeltely here, I've seen so many examples of this shit, and I've fucking fallen into the exact same trap. It's like I have moments of clarity and know what to do, then say "alright, lets have one last drink/celebrate this new great plan" and I end up with nothing but wanting more booze. This time there's nothing left to turn to, to give me that boost. I feel like I've pushed the envelope so much, everyone just sees a failure fuckup. What a shitty fucking feeling. I used to think I never cared what family thought of me, and my finacee was oblivious....and I was a functional alcoholic. What a delusion I was living.

I was going to post here how recently I've lost 2 people very close to me, and it caused me to pick up the bottle. Thing is I know it is bullshit, and if it weren't that I'd find something else to pass the buck on. Since I've last posted, I've been drinking myself into oblivion after around 3 days sober. I really have had some major losses that came out of nowhere and just coming back from a rosary now, but I know it don't make a shit. I drink because I like it, and it made dealing with everyone tonight actually enjoyable instead of just pure sadness. I'm at a loss, and going to watch the rest of the NFL game and finish my bottle. Sorry for misspellings, I don't even know how I'm typing at this point, I'm beyond drunk. God Bless.

I failed bad today. Had a family gathering that I thought I could handle. Between football, bbq, cousins....I’m not nearly as strong as I thought. 6 tall boys and a several heavy mixed drinks of vodka and tonic - I’m back to square one. Need way more help than I thought.

Yes of course financially it made sense to retire and walk away healthy. But fucking any high paid athlete can do that, and we’d be left watching Joe Webb vs Brett Huntley in the Super Bowl. Luck is a quitter and fucked over a franchise who at least had a few more runs at a super bowl with Manning. Oh well, I hope Colin cowherd commits suicide, only plus from this.

Don’t draft nerds, as a franchise players. They know life exists after football. Luck was the nerdiest of them all.

Ratface got out at the right time. Roster is pure horseshit. With all the money to be made in the NBA now, and injury fears...doesn’t shock me.

Day 2 in the books. Felt very off all day, just now hitting the sack and feel exhausted. Kept myself busy. Visited my mom/dad little nephew and watched some preseason football and did a fantasy draft. My dad doesn’t drink, so it’s always good to be able to watch sports without booze around. Was a good night.

The first time I got sober, sleep was a disaster and I would dream of having seizures, heart attack, would wake up not knowing if I was dying or not. First night in the book went pretty good. Didn't wake up gasping for air, drinking obviously is not good for sleep apnea - still need to get that treated though. Took things slow today and felt zombie like, had to force myself to eat. Started feeling some anxiety and light headedness around 4, slowly starting to go away. Overall not too bad, but I def do not feel great. Felt feverish earlier as well, that's starting to go away.

Day 1 has been great so far. I took the day off and have been in bed all day watching Netflix, sports talk...etc. I haven’t had an appetite, so gonna eat a little something.

Nothing will convince me to go to a hospital or center, or God. I have so much to lose if so. Told y’all I’m not doing it. Will report tomorrow, may god bless y’all dudes. Pretty everything on the line tonight.

I remember drinking 4 lokos in college. First time I had 2, I almost burned down a house by passing out while leaving a totinos in the oven for 7 hours. Fire dept came and all

I hear you brother. I feel like I have to try on my own again first. Obviously there are issues with keeping sober that I need to address still. But I feel I can do that step one on my own, unless medically impossible. But after that, I def need help keeping sober

I do appreciate all the insight. If I go into a program, it will ruin my career, family and relationship. Not trying to sound like the douche who thinks he knows everything, but I’ve done it once before, gonna go solo again. Of course I’m willing to check in anywhere at a moments glance, but at this time there’s no way I could do a program or something and not lose everything

These cops showed the most restraint, because we all know cops are mudering pigs. Almost got a cop killed if that fucker would have sliced his throat or something. Listen to the police even if they are overstepping assholes, because they have to deal with fuckers like this, and have every right to be paranoid jackasses.

I think my body knew to post here or something, I’ll explain. I’ve had a lot of vodka everyday since November 2018, literally maybe one or two days where I didn’t drink. Besides bad snoring and sleep apnea, I felt great. The last few days have gone downhill. Driving home from work today in traffic I almost pulled off to the side because I couldn’t catch my breathe and felt like I was going to seize, heart attack, stroke...etc. but likely it was a panic attack peaking its ugly head again. It’s what caused me to stop drinking 3 years ago, I had alcohol induced panic attacks, my brain chemistry was all off kilt. Told myself I’d never do it again, and it is back. Last time I had a full checkup and had no issues, besides somewhat high liver counts, which normalized a few months down the line of sobriety. That was 2016, I started up almost 9 months ago and have probably gained 60 pounds, sleep apnea wakes me up every night gasping and heart racing to where I feel it’s coming out of my chest. I told myself today when driving home and going to my fav liquor store that if I had one more drink, something bad was going to happen. I bought my usual vodka, went to whataburger and ordered a large coke. Emptied half and filled the rest with vodka. Came home and still felt awful. Really thought one sip and I’d be dizzy to the point of need the ER. I debated for 30 mins and went to pour everything out. Went to the sink and my demon convinced to take a sip and if I felt unsteady to throw it out. After a few sips, I started to feel almost crazy because my anxiety was topped out and I felt like this feeling of a few drinks of alcohol was only going to really fuck me up, like it would leave me in limbo. Decided to keep drinking, to make me feel better and this time it took a lot of booze to start to make me feel good. Just about finished the bottle and I’m back to bliss, can’t even deny I feel like a million bucks...music sounds better, shows are funnier, food tastes better. I’m a fucking full on addict, no doubt. Even posting gives me gratification, that I wouldn’t even bother with when sober. The last few days I wake up fine, but around 2-3pm I’m jittery, shaky, feel full on anxiety. I usually drink around 5pm everyday. I hope I'm not dependent on booze, would 9 months of straight drinking hardcore get to withdrawal levels in talks experience? Asking the experts.

This is just very fucking tragic. If you had been keeping up with his social media, the guy seemed to have found peace and learned from his mistakes. What a damn shame, RIP Ced, thanks for the memories.

Very much appreciate this post, def makes me think and know what I’m doing is pure stupidity. Side note: It got more real today. Had a quarterly performance review, which usually goes by like a breeze with a few criticisms per norm and mostly a good job, keep on doing your thing. Would make me feel like a def functional alcoholic. Today it didn’t go so well and had to face several “we have concerns” type things. Obviously I know drinking has def affected my work, but thought I had it managed. Thing is after hearing all that shit I went and got a huge bottle and am halfway through already. .

So much knowledge in this thread. Thanks again brothers for all the responses, definitely soaking it all in.

Good take bro, good take. And Endgame is muy bien 😎

Probably a smart thing to at least wiki through thrones. I caught on about season 4 or 5 and still have no idea whos who and what really happened Hahah my brotha. I feel like I’ll be the same way because we were confused as fuck and aren’t good with names and usually just go with it lol. But the principal stands that she googles everything beforehand, inpatient ass ha. Happened with Stranger Things as well, try not to be bitch about it and luckily I’m not a nerd enough to really let it affect me. But shit is still is annoying haha. I know some people lose their shit over spoilers haha. My nephew came home opening night of avengers end game and told me all about it, I was like wtf, than gave myself 10 seconds to not be a total loser hahah. Watching it now actually haha. . .

Ahh yes meant seizure. I actually minored in addiction studies, by far I’m not close to an expert. But I know most consequences, and still just keep boozing. Just finished a fifth of vodka now, and can tell from just a month ago, I could keep drinking more. Whereas then, I was fully satisfied.

Finally convinced the lady to watch Game of Thrones. We both thought it was dumb first few episodes, then got hooked. I’m all excited to start the later episodes in season one and see her reading wiki on her phone about the show. I knew what she was doing but it was too late. She wiki’d the entire ending and all the spoilers. She did this shit with Breaking Bad. I’m like what’s the damn point of watching the show now?? She says she still wants to watch even though she knows every fucking thing that will happen. 🤦‍♂️

Never have seen. Waiting to redbox this shit in two days, fuck paying $6 for Apple or amazing rentals.