Old man died this past November from a massive stroke. 68 years old and we'd more or less hated one another for the better part of a decade. Hurts more than I thought it would.
Back in 2020, at the height of COVID, I decided I was tired of the way shit worked in my shitty service corner of the O&G business. Went in a radical direction: applied and got accepted into law school at 37 with the idea of "helping people". Took out the loans to go, but had the rest of the 3 year financial plan mapped out and accounted. Pulled the trigger and did it in 2021. Pissed the old man off something fierce.
Got sick with COVID in January 2022. Never got better. Several thousands of dollars out of pocket later, the best diagnosis at present is long COVID with acute neuropathy (and no explanation as to how the former jumpstarted the latter). Money squirreled away for background tests, bar prep, and bar exam got spent on lung CTs and nerve specialists. So... no bar exam post-grad.
Graduated in May 2024. Over 150 applications out, ranging from my old life in the O&G service sector to anything legal adjacent or government. Can't even get a legitimate interview. Burned through everything trying to gig work and keep the lights on. In the process of a home refi (at such an opportune time!) to try and get some breathing room in the hopes of landing some sort of permanent employment.
The depression and despair are fucking tangible at this point. I went through a 12 week round of Spravato before our insurance cut it earlier this fall. It helped stabilize some stuff. Built a floor above the self-harm stuff. The usual cocktails of SSRIs and ADs and benzos haven't really done much other than keep things at the floor. Then again, how elevated should my mood be in these circumstances? I don't know. I just know I'm tired of living this shit.
Not really looking for any affirmations or anything. I'm not even sure why I'm typing this out. I've got a wife and kids and a past with failed attempts at self-harm, so I'm not in any really danger of suicide or anyting of the sort. Just screaming into the digital void with a bunch of random folks I doubt I'll ever actually meet in this weird corner of the Internet.
If you can find common ground with someone you hate, and you think that might be a valuable relationship, you might at least try. Politics are what they are today, less policy and more moral / social / cultural divides. I think my limited posting history lines up with that. The old man and I were never going to get back an eye-to-eye relationship, but there may have been something other than disdain in the end if I'd known there was more time. Not all hatchets are meant to be buried. But some are buried far too soon. Loss hurts more than you think. Even when you've convinced yourself you already "mourned their loss" years ago.
Hope the world gets better for you folks in this thread. Nobody should have to live with this stuff. Getting up and dealing with it every day is tougher than most people know. That counts for something, even if you think it doesn't.
tl:dr = "I ain't reading all that. I'm happy for u tho. Or sorry that happened."