The day started off nice...slept in a bit for Labor Day. The wife (no pics) made pancakes & sausage. Tried a new Keurig coffee called "Dark Magic" - not realizing it was an omen for what was coming in a few hours. Made the mistake of brewing it on the "strong" setting. 1/2 a cup of half & half helped me guzzle down what tasted like ground dark roast slurry, and I thoroughly enjoyed my pancakes & sausage, with shitty (pun intended) sugar-free syrup laced with sorbitol (also probably contributing to the next set of events.)
The next few hours were normal, I fired up the Green Egg to smoke some carnitas & chicken. That's when the first signs of problems started...the stomach started rumbling, but I was able to withstand those first few knocks on the sphincter. I was determined to make it long enough to get the egg up to temp, throw on the meat and then hit the bathroom. A few more rumblings, and then the first signs of real trouble happened. A bit of juice slipped past the goalie....I gave up on the egg and hustled to the bathroom, where as I pulled down the shorts & boxers, an explosion that surely rocked 1/2 of the neighborhood came out of my ass. As I gagged for fresh air to breathe, I looked over and saw about 10 squares of TP left, knowing that was not going to nearly be enough for the mess at hand. The smell reminded me of what I imagine that scene in Shawshank Redemption was like, as Andy crawled through the sewage pipe.
The rest of the family thankfully was out at the neighborhood pool, so while there were no witnesses there was also nobody to help bring TP. And my reserve TP was out, the only remaining stash is in our detached garage. Oye! I broke all sorts of rules on the amount of wet wipes one should use, but that was the only option. Great Day!