Damn, man, I know it is true but this is still some bullshit. She took part of me with her when she died and it’s not coming back. She left part of her here, too, which is going to be the only thing that might eventually get me past this. It’s dark AF but there may have been some times when “suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it only transfers it” might have kept it from getting even darker.
I went to her nephew’s birthday party over the weekend. Her brother introduces me as his brother-in-law even though I couldn’t marry her because of the circumstances. Her nephew made a speech thanking everyone and mentioned that this is his first birthday ever without his tía and the whole damned room looks at me.
Anyway, after a couple of beers my BIL tells me, “I just want to tell you something that stays between us. [Wife’s name] and I love each other a lot, but we don’t have what y’all had. I had never seen her as happy as she was with you. She didn’t even have to say anything. The vibe she had told me she was exactly where she wanted to be in life. If I had three wishes, they’d be that my sister was healthy, that y’all met when she was younger and could get married and have kids, and that [name] and I had what y’all had.”
Fuuuuuuuck. How can something make me feel so shitty and so lucky at the same time?
Anyway, her birthday is next month. I’m still struggling like a MF with this, but I’m trying to get out and do more. I’m even considering looking for an OU ticket. It would be my first time around a lot of people who aren’t family and watching those crimson fucks leave early would be a good step toward normality.