Budkudzu

Mrs B and I were driving around the other day doing some errands. Mrs B: Turn down this street. I want to go past Brian and Jen's house. I've heard it's nice Mr B: Sure. Mrs B: It was new when they had it built.

I just don't want the house to look good.

Overheard the other day - "Hey Google, what's the website for target dot com?"

I never say "i dont know" I say "I could try to explain it to you but you wouldn't understand."

Follow up: She : Why it the thermostat set at 78? Me: It’s set at 73. You're looking at the temp. It 78 because of the oven and the outside temp. She: I’ll turn down the thermostat

Yesterday was the hottest day of the year and the AC was chugging away to keep the menopausal one comfortable. it was the perfect setting for her to put the oven on self-clean at 2pm. FML

She: The mailman just greeted me by my name! How does he know my name?

Home Office Jollies We have workers finishing the basement and they’re making a racket right under my office, so I take my laptop to the kitchen, move some shit off the kitchen island, and continue work. She What are you doing? Me Gonna work in the kitchen to get away from the noise She You wanna play Scrabble? Me Can’t – I need to get this stuff out. She (follows me into the kitchen, reads a text out loud from a friend I’ve met once and comments on it to me) She (finished with the commentary, watches mom comedy videos on her phone.) Me I’m going to go out on the deck, where it’s quieter and I can get my work done. She (follows me out to the deck, talks about flooring for the basement, comes to the same conclusion we did 2 weeks ago, and asks me to call the contractor to tell him that we haven’t changed our mind) She I’m going to the farmers market after lunch. Want to come with me? Me I need to work She You seem to be on edge, what’s wrong?

Those little assholes were tearing up all the furniture - they're fine.

Me What’s in the box from Chewy? She Scratch pads for the kittens Me Aren’t we having their claws removed? She Yes, but they still need something to scratch on

Yup. She also expects one mailed from our dog.

I got the cards and flowers for her. Mrs. K was pissed that i hadn't mailed the card. I told her it wasn't necessary since we lived in the same house. Handing it over shows that I really don't care. FML

The former Mrs. Kudzu told me she didn't care about sex after we'd been married for a few months. It would have been nice had she told me, I don't know, before we got married.

Wait til she dozes off in the car. Slam on the brakes and yell "OH MY GOD!". One of us thought it was hilarious.