TLDR; dude I know ran over a bird
CSB
So a couple of weeks ago a guy I know and his friend in were exiting McCullough off 281 to go back home in Alamo Heights. If you’re not from the area, this is the exit to ICU that cuts behind the zoo and sunken gardens.
It was around 2am and although they are professionals pushing their mid 40s they were stoned to hell. All of the sudden a turkey buzzard takes off from the side of the road and Guys reaction time was so slowed, well, he hit that bird bullseye center of his windshield- splat. The wing span practically covered the entire view and they pulled over and got out to see if they could get it off.
They are using their phone flashlights to inspect the damage while still smoking a j. There is a very Bill and Ted flavor to their problem acquisition then, Guys friend says “hey man… that’s not a buzzard… that looks like a hawk or something.”
Sure enough, when they look at the talons it’s definitely a really large raptor. Then Guy sees a copper tag on the birds leg that reads “ ‘Henry’, Highly Endangered Species, Property of SA Zoo”.
They look at each other and finally Guy says “Shiiiit… shouldn’t we call 311 or something?” to which his friend replies “Nah, better not. I didn’t tell you but I’ve got a lot of drugs with me right now”
So, they decided not to touch Henry and drive back slowly to Guys house 5min away. He had to drive really slowly and peer through the tiny spaces around the dead bird. As he driving his view of the road also has Henrys talon with the tag in direct view. The tag blows and flips over to inform them of all of the Federal penalties they are subject to and coincidentally identifies the penalties for exactly what they were doing which boiled down to something like 10yrs in Federal Prison.
They get home and park in the garage. Next day Guy calls the zoo to inform them what happened (sort of) and everything turned out Ok. Henry had escaped his enclosure a couple days before and was staying close to the access road feeding on carrion. The zoo had tried to get him but because there was other food available they were having trouble and had some Ace Ventura bird whisperer on the way from the West Coast to help get him. The bubbly girl on the phone’s voice cracked as she mentioned that she guessed they didn’t need his services anymore.
Guy went out to the garage and drank a glass of Bourbon with Henry then peeled him off his car and arranged him in an Amazon box with tissue paper “real nice” (after keeping some feathers because, “shit man, where else you gonna find those?”)