How did you feel for the 2.5 years you were sober? I don't mean why did you relapse. That's easy. You're an alcoholic. All the stories from people, it's kind of rare to hear one that just kicked it the first time. But how did you feel sober? Did you feel boring and safe, or did you just think everyone around you thought you were boring and safe? Because I'm guessing that people who know/knew you, didn't think you were boring when you were sober and the life of the party when you were drunk. They probably thought when you were sober, they really liked being around you, and when you were drunk/high, they thought you were a dipshit. I'm talking about normal people. Not us.
Did you want to put a bullet in your head all of those sober 2.5 years, or did that start in the last year? Or did that start before you even knew that booze could put a temporary band-aid on those thoughts? That's kind of an important thing to think about. You're depressed and miserable. There is no way to get rid of that feeling without giving yourself a chance to think about it. You are not capable of thinking about that clearly right now and you won't be if you keep going. And you probably won't be without somebody walking you through it. A sponsor, a therapist, a friend, something. Anything. You are too far gone right now. We have all been too far gone at some point that the outlook is so fucking bleak, there doesn't seem to be any other way things could be.
It's a dangerous and dark place and you're smack it the middle of it. But you know what? You're here and you're talking about it. You know you're fucked right now and don't want to be there. It's just a deep hole you're looking up from and the top seems so far up there that what's the point? It's too much to climb up there.
What's up there is what you're looking for. Part of your brain is telling you that, but it doesn't seem in any way attainable. Whether you believe it or not, there are people that want to throw a rope down to you. Just grab on and let them help.