Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[PilotsError 2,317]

The combination was 1234.  If she even remembered it.

[Thatguy 8,830]

14 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

So I was planning to stay home today to catch up on some reading. Once the temperatures got into the 80s, I decided to do that in the hammock outside. So I go to the garage, grab the hammock, and start to open the gate, but then I noticed that there's a lock on it.

I call the wife at work and ask about the lock. "Oh, I meant to tell you about that," she said.

" maybe you could tell me the combination, so I don't have to hop the fence to get in the yard?" I said.

I'm just going to stop right there, because y'all know how this ends, don't you?

Truth is, she never spun the dial and closed the lock, so you could've just taken it off anyway.

[Thatguy 8,830]

   Daughter is 10 and headed to middle school next year. We said we were going to hold out til 11 for a phone. So we are talking about it.

Wife- We are going to have to get her a phone pretty soon.

Me- Yep

Wife- I am not going to have an old phone while she has a new one. That's two phones. That's going to get pretty expensive.

Me- You know, you could buy yourself a new phone, and then give her your old phone since she has been using it and knows it forward and backwards already. ''

Wife reaction-

 

Edited February 16, 2019 by Thatguy

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

   Daughter is 10 and headed to middle school next year. We said we were going to hold out til 11 for a phone. So we are talking about it.

Wife- We are going to have to get her a phone pretty soon.

Me- Yep

Wife- I am not going to have an old phone while she has a new one. That's two phones. That's going to get pretty expensive.

Me- You know, you could buy yourself a new phone, and then give her your old phone since she has been using it and knows it forward and backwards already. ''

Wife reaction-

 

Your wife has small boobs

 

Would tho

[Buzzrock 14,936]

Hold out longer. We’re getting my daughter a phone for her 13th birthday. It’s been fine.

[Hate 20,136]

My son has one of our old iPhones but it doesn’t have cell service. We are holding out on that as long as possible.

[Modessit 5,603]

My 5-yr-old and almost 3-yr-old are already phone proficient. I kept my old S7 without cell service and they use it on wifi to play games and watch YouTube videos.

[Buzzrock 14,936]

So my wife is a good cook. She is. But she recently made a batch of spaghetti sauce that she liked so much that she decided to make homemade pizzas with it. The best part is this was in the cabinet:

[Brisketexan 105,275]

You put strawberry jelly on your pizza?

[Pato del Muerto 52,571]

She’s not a good cook if she can’t even make her own Marsala sauce. 

[Buzzrock 14,936]

You put strawberry jelly on your pizza?

You don’t?

[Buzzrock 14,936]

She’s not a good cook if she can’t even make her own Marsala sauce. 

That’s a pretty narrow definition. And sometimes convenience is worth it.

[Beau Vine 54,384]

Quote

DEAR ABBY: I feel petty complaining about this, but my wife has a habit I can’t stand. We keep a stick of butter on a butter dish and replace it when it’s used up. However, when my wife uses it, instead of cutting off thin slices, she scrapes her knife across the entire top of the butter cube, gradually whittling it down. Not only do I find it unsightly, but I also think it’s unsanitary.

Needless to say, when I’ve mentioned it to her, she has strongly disagreed. I’m reluctant to bring it up anymore as it is settled, in her mind.

 

ADVERTISING

I have tried using a different stick of butter, which I keep in the refrigerator and unwrap every time I want to use it, but she criticizes me for it, saying we shouldn’t have two sticks in use at the same time.

I suppose there’s an upside: I’m using less butter, which my doctor approves of. What do you think about this habit of hers? — BUTTER WARS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BUTTER WARS: It seems there is a power struggle going on between your wife and you. Because you have expressed to her more than once that you find what she’s doing unappetizing, she should respect your wishes. However, if she continues, she should look the other way when you use your own butter stick.

DEAR BUTTER WARS: Cut that stupid bitch loose.

[mulletpelini 5,216]

someone is gonna get stabbed with a butter knife aren't they.

[HoustonHorn 1,062]

She British. This is what they do. He hates furners.

That said having butter sit out so it can be spread is fucking awesome. (Another British/Euro thing) Butter in the fridge is for the ignant.

DEAR ABBY: I feel petty complaining about this, but my wife has a habit I can’t stand. We keep a stick of butter on a butter dish and replace it when it’s used up. However, when my wife uses it, instead of cutting off thin slices, she scrapes her knife across the entire top of the butter cube, gradually whittling it down. Not only do I find it unsightly, but I also think it’s unsanitary.

Needless to say, when I’ve mentioned it to her, she has strongly disagreed. I’m reluctant to bring it up anymore as it is settled, in her mind.

  ADVERTISING

I have tried using a different stick of butter, which I keep in the refrigerator and unwrap every time I want to use it, but she criticizes me for it, saying we shouldn’t have two sticks in use at the same time.

I suppose there’s an upside: I’m using less butter, which my doctor approves of. What do you think about this habit of hers? — BUTTER WARS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BUTTER WARS: It seems there is a power struggle going on between your wife and you. Because you have expressed to her more than once that you find what she’s doing unappetizing, she should respect your wishes. However, if she continues, she should look the other way when you use your own butter stick.

DEAR BUTTER WARS: Cut that stupid bitch loose.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,739]

Gagreed. In the fridge jacks it up.

[scottsins 1,969]

Deleted.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

My kid who started middle school this year has a flip phone and won't be getting anything more until he's 18 and out of my house. 

[luke duke 6,414]

My kid who started middle school this year has a flip phone and won't be getting anything more until he's 18 and out of my house. 

[cactusflinthead 27,601]

Phone for kid talk not going away. Guess I'll play too.

I got my daughter a starter model in middle school. She was a latchkey kid and I had to know that I could reach her if needed. I told her if she took care of it there would be upgrades available. 

She takes better care of her phone than I do mine. She now has a better one than I do. 

[VolenteHawk 495]

21 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

You put strawberry jelly on your pizza?

Spreadable fruit appears to be the preferred nomenclature, dude.

 

[miguelito 11,291]

She saw a new version of NFL logos, and the Green Bay one kind of looks like a swatchka.  I think that's how it's spelled. 

She's almost right.  But she's also like 75% German. 

 

 

 

[bluto 4,942]

Wait... was that post in regard to her (your?) spelling of swastika or her pointing out the logo? Were y'all discussing this over dinner at all of garden?

[miguelito 11,291]

No, she said "swatchka."  I interpreted the spelling, and surmised the word she meant.  The logo sucks, btw.

All this talk of Germany, never forget the hall of costs.

[Nivek 16,979]

You put strawberry jelly on your pizza?

strawberry jelly is for the ass, try to keep up.

[ztejas 43,528]

4 minutes ago, Nivek said:

On 2/16/2019 at 12:31 PM, Brisketexan said:

You put strawberry jelly on your pizza?

 

strawberry jelly is for the ass, try to keep up.

It puts the jelly in its ass or it gets the hose again.

[KaiserSoze 998]

Oh I think it's gettin' the hose no matter what.

[Brisketexan 105,275]

So.. the fat free sauce made me chuckle.
I have to fall on my sword though.
I grabbed some refried beans at the store.
I got home and was unpacking. Somehow, I managed to grab fat free refried beans.
That had to be a woman's idea.
Now I got a can I will never eat and don't want to throw in the trash because of waste.

Dude. Add the fat. Put some bacon grease in the pan, add beans, winning.

[WhatTheBuck 28,797]

34 minutes ago, BurntEyes said:

So.. the fat free sauce made me chuckle.

I have to fall on my sword though.

I grabbed some refried beans at the store.

I got home and was unpacking. Somehow, I managed to grab fat free refried beans.

That had to be a woman's idea.

Now I got a can I will never eat and don't want to throw in the trash because of waste.

Fry it up in a bunch of bacon fat. It's awesome. 

Edit: Oh, I see Brisket already covered that. 

Edited February 18, 2019 by WhatTheBuck

[mulletpelini 5,216]

beans and bacon is fucking great, yeah I covered that again.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

If you have left over bacon fat fry it up in that.

[WBT 20,653]

you should be making your own refrieds anyway

[Clackles 276]

I have this recipe called re-refried beans with bacon that I can tell you about.

[Nivek 16,979]

I have this recipe called re-refried beans with bacon that I can tell you about.

Go on

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

WTF happened to this thread?

[Sandman 3,411]

Talking with the wife about my daughter and how much it would cost for something. Wife says, "We will make it work. Money is no option!". 

She corrected herself pretty quickly but the damage was done. I got to tease her about it for the rest of the day, "Can't go shopping, money is not an option. Sorry."

[VolenteHawk 495]

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

WTF happened to this thread?

Beans and bacon fat talk not going away. Because it shouldn’t.

 

[HenryJames 66,160]

I cook bacon in bacon fat.

[AM Wood 335]

10 minutes ago, HenryJames said:

I cook bacon in bacon fat.

sounds delicious. i'll try it next time.

[Trey3216 15,352]

1 hour ago, HenryJames said:

I cook bacon in bacon fat.

#MeToo  

[JimmyHoffa 1,188]

I drop our kids off at school 99% of the time as it's right on my way to work- 

Mrs. Hoffa routinely tells me I shouldn't yell at them to get ready in the morning. (I don't really yell just use a stern vocal tone) 

Mrs. Hoffa was taking them to school this morning-

-"WE NEED TO LEAVE IN 10 MINUTES!"

-"HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH?"

-"PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER WE NEED TO  GET GOING"

-"WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!!"

 

Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?

Mrs. Hoffa-

[Incredulity 11,682]

3 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

I drop our kids off at school 99% of the time as it's right on my way to work- 

Mrs. Hoffa routinely tells me I shouldn't yell at them to get ready in the morning. (I don't really yell just use a stern vocal tone) 

Mrs. Hoffa was taking them to school this morning-

-"WE NEED TO LEAVE IN 10 MINUTES!"

-"HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH?"

-"PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER WE NEED TO  GET GOING"

-"WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!!"

 

Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?

Mrs. Hoffa-

you're going to be fucking your fist for a while.

 

 

 

 

 

nevermind, married.  carry on.

[Chewbacca 7,782]

So.. the fat free sauce made me chuckle.
I have to fall on my sword though.
I grabbed some refried beans at the store.
I got home and was unpacking. Somehow, I managed to grab fat free refried beans.
That had to be a woman's idea.
Now I got a can I will never eat and don't want to throw in the trash because of waste.

Feed to dog, prepare for epic dog farts.

[shakahorn 1,645]

15 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

So.. the fat free sauce made me chuckle.

I have to fall on my sword though.

I grabbed some refried beans at the store.

I got home and was unpacking. Somehow, I managed to grab fat free refried beans.

That had to be a woman's idea.

Now I got a can I will never eat and don't want to throw in the trash because of waste.

Donate it to a food bank.  Oh, I'm sorry, are serious responses not allowed on this thread?

[luke duke 6,414]

I drop our kids off at school 99% of the time as it's right on my way to work- 
Mrs. Hoffa routinely tells me I shouldn't yell at them to get ready in the morning. (I don't really yell just use a stern vocal tone) 
Mrs. Hoffa was taking them to school this morning-
-"WE NEED TO LEAVE IN 10 MINUTES!"
-"HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH?"
-"PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER WE NEED TO  GET GOING"
-"WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!!"
 
Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?
Mrs. Hoffa-

If you wife looks like that, I would let her yell as much as she wants if I were you.

[El Diablo 4,232]

46 minutes ago, luke duke said:

 

 

If you wife looks like that, I would let her yell as much as she wants if I were you.

 

I'd encourage it.

[Dennis Taylor 18,853]

2 hours ago, JimmyHoffa said:

I drop our kids off at school 99% of the time as it's right on my way to work- 

Mrs. Hoffa routinely tells me I shouldn't yell at them to get ready in the morning. (I don't really yell just use a stern vocal tone) 

Mrs. Hoffa was taking them to school this morning-

-"WE NEED TO LEAVE IN 10 MINUTES!"

-"HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH?"

-"PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER WE NEED TO  GET GOING"

-"WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!!"

 

Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?

Mrs. Hoffa-

would have been even better if your school was out for President's Day today 

[Trey3216 15,352]

53 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

would have been even better if your school was out for President's Day today 

It was.  She was going there for a parent/teacher ‘meeting’

[Modessit 5,603]

It was.  She was going there for a parent/teacher ‘meeting’

The teacher said they "have problems following instructions". No shit.

[Dennis Taylor 18,853]

24 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

It was.  She was going there for a parent/teacher ‘meeting’

are you Hoffa's sock?