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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Mudcat35

Mudcat35 196

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Posted

I took some time off work today to meet with an insurance agent about new homeowners insurance and consolidating our car insurance.  Wife set it up.  I asked her if she had everything she needed.  She says yes.  Real answer is no, which I found out at the meeting.  No VIN numbers, no bank routing numbers, no jewelry appraisals, nothing.

Total waste of time.

I'm sure it's my fault. 

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markstanco

markstanco 12,577

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Our house is now 5 years old. Mrs Stanco has small complaints about our builder but nothing serious.

Just now: "mark! The dishwasher is making odd noises!!!1! Typical! Another 5 year issue from xxxxx the builder!"

Me: He built our dishwasher too?

Still no response, and it's been about 10 minutes.

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Nolacycling

Nolacycling 893

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In a short department meeting w/your wives and Teacher Suzie's b'day lunch comes up."What shall we do? Let's have a nacho bar!"  Yeah let's spend the $ to cook, transport it to school, keep it warm through the morning, have no alcohol, transport home and clean. "   

 " You know Chuy's has a free nacho bar during happy hour. "

 Silence. 

So anyway I'm bringing chips.

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18,821

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Posted
1 hour ago, Nolacycling said:

In a short department meeting w/your wives and Teacher Suzie's b'day lunch comes up."What shall we do? Let's have a nacho bar!"  Yeah let's spend the $ to cook, transport it to school, keep it warm through the morning, have no alcohol, transport home and clean. "   

 " You know Chuy's has a free nacho bar during happy hour. "

 Silence. 

So anyway I'm bringing chips.

how many wives you got?

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15,346

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15 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So I suggested something to help our son out, which she implemented and it seemed to work out very well for him. She then told me that I was right about it this morning and thanked me for it.

Just wanted to get that down on the record.

I feel the storm you’re gonna have to navigate this afternoon brewing rt now.  Hang in there bud 

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17,557

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52 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So I suggested something to help our son out, which she implemented and it seemed to work out very well for him. She then told me that I was right about it this morning and thanked me for it.

Just wanted to get that down on the record.

What kind of chotchke did she buy to commemorate the occasion?

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Modessit

Modessit 5,601

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So I suggested something to help our son out, which she implemented and it seemed to work out very well for him. She then told me that I was right about it this morning and thanked me for it.
Just wanted to get that down on the record.
So now she doesn't interrupt him during those superlong showers and has noticed how much more relaxed he seems to be afterwards?
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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8,808

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On 2/15/2019 at 3:03 PM, Victorious1 said:

Last night I get home, eat dinner, go upstairs and turn on the TV and there is a Directv error code 775 bad connection between satellite dish and receiver. I check the coax cable connections, the HDMI connections and pulling the power cable to reset and nothing works.  I have several movies recorded so I turn them on and head to bed after 9pm.

At 5:30am this morning I walk in the family room and the wife is checking the connections at the TV (in other words, fucking shit up).

Me:  "What's up with Directv?"

Wife:  "You need to go outside and check the satellite dish and connections, that's what the error code says".

Me:  "I'm not checking in the dark, I'll have a look at lunch time."

At lunch time I grab a ladder and the satellite is bolted down super tight and all the connections are secure but it dawned on me the wife was painting walls in the kitchen earlier in the week and had unscrewed some outlets.  So I go inside and check the combo outlet with a coax cable and phone cable and sure enough, the coax cable is loose at the connection.

Me:  "Nothing wrong outside".

Wife:  "Directv is coming out at 8am in the morning.  They had promo's so I signed up for free this and free that, all for $8.95 a month".

Me:  "The coax cable is loose on the kitchen outlet."

Wife:  "THAT CABLE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TV.  IT'S FOR THE INTERNET AND PHONE CONNECTIONS".  (Like she's some kind of expert electrician).

I walk into our bedroom and the TV fires up normal...

Me:  "TV in the bedroom works fine now".

Wife turns on the family room TV and it fires up...

I remember when I was a young newlywed, things like that would happen and I'd get a little extra loving for being so helpful and handy...fast forward a few years and all I would get was "tone" and "the look" no handy unless I did it myself.

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William_Cannon

William_Cannon 86

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Me to Mrs. Hoffa- Why are you yelling?
Mrs. Hoffa-
268.gif

Holy crap ... this drives me insane. I speak sternly and I’m accused of being an overbearing disciplinarian or managing her and the kids. She yells at the kids, and she is justified and somehow it’s my fault - sometimes for not disciplining the kids enough!
FTS and FML



If you wife looks like that, I would let her yell as much as she wants if I were you.


Nope it ain’t worth it. If you don’t keep that yelling in check, you’ll end up feeding her crazy which can only end badly.

To make matters worse, you’re already starting at a 7 on the cray-meter since the hotter they are the crazier they are (exceptions for late bloomers). Then that shit goes to cray-con 8 - she’s wearing the pants and has this confidence to make you eat shit with a smile, you have no voice, you’re a second class citizen who’s only purpose is to make bank to pay for her extravagant lifestyle, to fix shit around the house, run her errands, and put up with her shit.... plus insert whatever undefeated joke you want.

If it escalates to cray-con 9, you’re getting shit thrown at you, you’re moving out of the bedroom,
still remains undefeated except now you don’t even get a chance to subject yourself to whatever slavery you endured at cray-con 8 in order to get defeated. You begin to sleep with one eye open out of fear.

Remember at 7 you’re starting 3 clicks below cray-con 10 , also known as GAME OVER because you’re either 50% poorer, in jail for domestic abuse, or you’re fucking dead and she’s in jail for first degree.

Yup, not a fan letting the yelling slide...Have mercy, I just realized that a lot of y’all are already at cray-con 8. Be safe and don’t let it escalate.

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2,306

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

So apparently we are running all recyclable containers through the dishwasher so they can be clean before we place them in the trash.
 

This is the opposite of Ms CL. She insists on recycling, but just throws dirty shit straight into the bin.

The instructions are to "rinse out" containers, which I think is the midpoint between Ms CL and the dishwasher.

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2,306

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Totally minor but totally indicative:

Sitting in my study just now working before the kids get up. Ms CL comes charging in to say goodbye before heading to the gym. 

Back door slams and every fucking light is on downstairs. I get up and make a circle through the living room and kitchen and dining room turning off lights then head back to my study.

Literally as soon as my ass hits the chair, I hear the back door open and a flurry of footsteps.

Kitchen light on, living room light on, dining room light on. She digs through her purse, finds whatever she's looking for (pretty sure it was her keys) then WHOOOOSH out the back door again with the lights all on a second time. 

Goddamit. 

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Charles DeMar

Charles DeMar 221

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19 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

I remember when I was a young newlywed, things like that would happen and I'd get a little extra loving for being so helpful and handy...fast forward a few years and all I would get was "tone" and "the look" no handy unless I did it myself.

Long hours at work for the last 5 weeks, and Got home last night around 8:30, which was relatively early during this stretch.  Wife informs me sink is leaking, which could mean any of a dozen things, but realized quickly into the cabinet underneath.  By this time, after staying out of her way so she could finish washing dishes (first time in a month or two), mind you, into a sink she knows is leaking, it's too late to hit Home Depot/Lowe's/Ace for parts and supplies, so I decide to wake up early to hit Home Depot when it opens.

6:00 am, I'm at Home Depot, grab what I need, get it mostly installed, and POS Bangladeshi fitting breaks.  It's now closer to 6:45 and kids will be up soon getting ready for school.  I ask her if she wants me to do my normal and make breakfast and lunch or if she's ok if I go to Lowe's to buy a less Bangladeshi part to finish the job.

Wife - "Whatever you think."

Charles - "Depends if you want me to fix the sink this morning or not."

Wife - "Up to you."

Charles - "I'm going to Lowe's, and can help get kids to school after."

 

Return from Lowe's, get sink fixed, and ask where I can jump in to help with getting kids out the door.

Charles - "Do you want me to take #2 to school, then #1?"

Wife - "Looking like that?" (I'm basically in workout gear as I normally drop kids, hit gym, go to work).

Charles - "Well, I'll put on a jacket, then go to the gym."

Wife - "You're so Fucking SELFISH.  Why don't you tell me what you want to do?!!"

Charles - "Um, I just spent nearly 2 hours running around and fixing a sink.  How am I selfish, again?"

 

Tone

 

So, no BJ or even thank you here, either.

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Buffsoldier

Buffsoldier 1,895

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1 hour ago, PilotsError said:

How many times are you people going to continue to ask your wives a hundred times what they want?  What they want is for you to just fucking do it.  Jesus, you people bring this shit on yourselves.

...so she can tell you it's wrong.  And how you don't ask her what her opinion is any more.  And how her online friend in Bangor Maine told her how to do it.

Jesus Christ, it's like I'm playing cards with my brothers kids...

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Flg8rfan

Flg8rfan 201

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Wife just called telling me she locked her keys in the car.

Told her to call a locksmith, not driving an hour there and back during rush hour.

‘But the kids have practice at 6’

Yep. And they miss it entirely if I went to take her a key. I can drive the kids to practice.

Tone

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26,438

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2 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

Wife just called telling me she locked her keys in the car.

Told her to call a locksmith, not driving an hour there and back during rush hour.

‘But the kids have practice at 6’

Yep. And they miss it entirely if I went to take her a key. I can drive the kids to practice.

Tone

Her stupidity is your fault. Marriage 101

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ztejas

ztejas 43,444

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7 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

Wife just called telling me she locked her keys in the car.

Told her to call a locksmith, not driving an hour there and back during rush hour.

‘But the kids have practice at 6’

Yep. And they miss it entirely if I went to take her a key. I can drive the kids to practice.

Tone

Just tell her to drive to you and pick up the spare key herself. 

Oh wait...

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4,232

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Posted
19 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

"Hey, I was looking at our credit card statement and there's a $2 charge for 'Enterprise toll charge'. Do you know what that's for?" 

"Do you remember the rental car I had two weeks ago? While I was driving it, I used the toll road." 

"Oh." 

You passed up a chance for some Star Trek humor. 

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