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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Player

Player 4575

Posted
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11 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Traded vehicles with my wife as she needed my truck bed to haul an item.

I'm afraid to touch anything in her SUV. Maybe if I wash/detail it for her then it might lead to sex.

I'm sure she won't mind if you want to wax on/wax off. Oh, you mean sex with her? 

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Nivek

Nivek 16929

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Watching finale of True Detective season 3 last night.  About 1/4 the way in the Wife walks in, sits on the couch with her phone in hand.  Starts asking me questions, confuses the one-eyed guy with Purple Hayes.  Starts asking questions about the show.   She has not seen any of the series.  

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Anastasis

Anastasis 23469

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6 minutes ago, Nivek said:

Watching finale of True Detective season 3 last night.  About 1/4 the way in the Wife walks in, sits on the couch with her phone in hand.  Starts asking me questions, confuses the one-eyed guy with Purple Hayes.  Starts asking questions about the show.   She has not seen any of the series.  

I am watching the Texas-OU bball game with the boy.  OU inbounding the ball at the end. She decides to strike up a convo about something stupid and inane. "You mind if we take up this conversation in like 45 seconds, Jesus?" Absolutely zero self awareness of her surroundings. Tone. 

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Js1

Js1 85336

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45 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

I am watching the Texas-OU bball game with the boy.  OU inbounding the ball at the end. She decides to strike up a convo about something stupid and inane. "You mind if we take up this conversation in like 45 seconds, Jesus?" Absolutely zero self awareness of her surroundings. Tone. 

Your wife's name is Jesus? 

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ernest_t_bass

ernest_t_bass 1196

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My wife has been gone on a cruise for the past 8 days.  I've gotten the kids around early for school every single day.  Actually, they have gotten themselves ready, early, all by themselves.  She gets home late last night, and miraculously, the kids can't get ready for school in time, mom rushing around frantic.  

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5211

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8 hours ago, Fudge Nuggets said:

Done none of you have kids?

Yes all of us, just some don't have the balls to tell their kids how to knock before opening doors.

6 hours ago, Anastasis said:

I am watching the Texas-OU bball game with the boy.  OU inbounding the ball at the end. She decides to strike up a convo about something stupid and inane. "You mind if we take up this conversation in like 45 seconds, Jesus?" Absolutely zero self awareness of her surroundings. Tone. 

Mine goes another level, asking "45 basketball seconds? Because that's 20 minutes of actual time."

Me:  tone

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Gil Bang

Gil Bang 25957

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21 minutes ago, ernest_t_bass said:

My wife has been gone on a cruise for the past 8 days.  I've gotten the kids around early for school every single day.  Actually, they have gotten themselves ready, early, all by themselves.  She gets home late last night, and miraculously, the kids can't get ready for school in time, mom rushing around frantic.  

Well, she's tired, and her pussy is sore. 

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retsevlys

retsevlys 408

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13 minutes ago, ernest_t_bass said:

Probably.  And probably.

Just find it funny how there were zero issues with kids getting around on time until there was an extra set of hands to help.  Law of diminishing returns?

I'm not married, and never have been, but your posts make me think you shouldn't be either.  Maybe we're not hearing about the multiple bjs you get every day.  We all get a limited view of poster's wives on this thread.  Mitch's comes off as crazy with an even crazier sister in law, but her craziness seems confined to decorations.  Your posts from TOS and TNS seem bitter towards your wife who doesn't help with shit around the house. 

This is just my observation.  Feel free to neg me into Bolivia.

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 21907

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3 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

Yes all of us, just some don't have the balls to tell their kids how to knock before opening doors.

Mine goes another level, asking "45 basketball seconds? Because that's 20 minutes of actual time."

Me:  tone

Well be glad she didn't say "45 sex seconds? Because that's like 10 seconds of actual time."

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Modessit

Modessit 5601

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I am watching the Texas-OU bball game with the boy.  OU inbounding the ball at the end. She decides to strike up a convo about something stupid and inane. "You mind if we take up this conversation in like 45 seconds, Jesus?" Absolutely zero self awareness of her surroundings. Tone. 
"You can pause it, you know."

I've tried to explain to her the thrill of watching it live is better than the thrill of seeing it recorded even if you don't know what's going to happen. She says "it's the same thing" and I tell her, "so is waiting 10 minutes for you to tell me whatever you think you need to tell me now".
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VolenteHawk

VolenteHawk 495

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10 hours ago, ernest_t_bass said:

My wife has been gone on a cruise for the past 8 days.  I've gotten the kids around early for school every single day.  Actually, they have gotten themselves ready, early, all by themselves.  She gets home late last night, and miraculously, the kids can't get ready for school in time, mom rushing around frantic.  

This happens at my house, too. Wife’s company is based in Chicago, so we do a lot of Monday night to Friday morning on our own. I don’t lift a finger except pointing out the time. Always goes smoothly. The day she’s back...chaos.

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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My wife has been gone on a cruise for the past 8 days.  I've gotten the kids around early for school every single day.  Actually, they have gotten themselves ready, early, all by themselves.  She gets home late last night, and miraculously, the kids can't get ready for school in time, mom rushing around frantic.  
8 days of sweaty, dirty piled laundry back from a cruise? Good luck with the next 3 weeks
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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

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1 hour ago, VolenteHawk said:

This happens at my house, too. Wife’s company is based in Chicago, so we do a lot of Monday night to Friday morning on our own. I don’t lift a finger except pointing out the time. Always goes smoothly. The day she’s back...chaos.

 

100%. My wife travels a couple of times a month for work and we have the same issue. As soon as mom is home they turn into whinny little shits that need everything done for them. Drives me insane, yet "I am too hard on them" 

And don't even get me started on getting them "a little something" every time she goes to the store and then wonders why they ask for shit all the time. 

 

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17557

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12 hours ago, ernest_t_bass said:

My wife has been gone on a cruise for the past 8 days.  I've gotten the kids around early for school every single day.  Actually, they have gotten themselves ready, early, all by themselves.  She gets home late last night, and miraculously, the kids can't get ready for school in time, mom rushing around frantic.  

Did you tell her this story?

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8808

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9 hours ago, Modessit said:

"You can pause it, you know."

I've tried to explain to her the thrill of watching it live is better than the thrill of seeing it recorded even if you don't know what's going to happen. She says "it's the same thing" and I tell her, "so is waiting 10 minutes for you to tell me whatever you think you need to tell me now".

Like a boss dammit...

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luke duke

luke duke 6413

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100%. My wife travels a couple of times a month for work and we have the same issue. As soon as mom is home they turn into whinny little shits that need everything done for them. Drives me insane, yet "I am too hard on them" 
And don't even get me started on getting them "a little something" every time she goes to the store and then wonders why they ask for shit all the time. 
 


I didn’t realize that my wife was also married to another guy.
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Flg8rfan

Flg8rfan 201

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So my wife has been having stomach issues (whatever that means), and thinks it might be gluten related. Maybe packing your lunch instead of take out every day at work would be a better start but what do I know........

I now have a ton of gluten free food in the house that the kids and I won’t eat and she won’t cook or take to work (because takeout).

Guess what I’ll be throwing away shortly.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11671

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39 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

So my wife has been having stomach issues (whatever that means), and thinks it might be gluten related. Maybe packing your lunch instead of take out every day at work would be a better start but what do I know........

I now have a ton of gluten free food in the house that the kids and I won’t eat and she won’t cook or take to work (because takeout).

Guess what I’ll be throwing away shortly.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

The struggle is real.

in addition to the above my wife has bought and quit a half dozen or so diet food “programs” over the last decade that end up with a couple garbage sacks full of crap no one will eat. 

I don’t dare say a word as whatever it takes to keep her in fighting shape is money well spent.

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Johnny Sack

Johnny Sack 8397

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37 minutes ago, Incredulity said:

The struggle is real.

in addition to the above my wife has bought and quit a half dozen or so diet food “programs” over the last decade that end up with a couple garbage sacks full of crap no one will eat. 

I don’t dare say a word as whatever it takes to keep her in fighting shape is money well spent.

My wife doesn’t do that shit.  Thank God.  Just exercise and eat sensibly. 

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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We have chickens at our farm and culled some leghorn roosters in early January. Not a lot of meat but they made some pretty tasty enchiladas nonetheless. 

Ms CL wanted to make chicken stock with the carcasses. The carcasses sat in the fridge for about a week before she did anything with them, then she made a shit ton of stock and put the covered containers back in the fridge. Then the containers have sat in the fridge for the last six weeks. I've contemplated throwing them out, but was worried about the mess and the possible smell, so I just left them there for her to finally get fed up and throw them out herself. 

Tonight I walk into the kitchen and she's cooking dinner. 

"What's for dinner?"

"Homemade chicken noodle soup!"

"Uhh, I'm not eating that. And you shouldn't either."

Tone.

She ate it anyway (the boys and I did not) and just my luck she will be fine and will live to tell me how much of an unappreciative asshole I am not to eat her cooking. 

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fattyflattie

fattyflattie 4639

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On 2/25/2019 at 9:37 PM, mulletpelini said:

Yes all of us, just some don't have the balls to tell their kids how to knock before opening doors.

Mine goes another level, asking "45 basketball seconds? Because that's 20 minutes of actual time."

Me:  tone

Mine asks exactly the same.  

Irritating because in that instance she is correct - doesn’t really follow the theme of this thread. 

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General Specific

General Specific 3261

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My wife doesn’t do that shit.  Thank God.  Just exercise and eat sensibly. 

Since you brought up exercise, I have had a veritable cornucopia of exercise equipment that I have used as a holding area for clean clothes. Then sell the next year after little to no use. And by no use, I mean not even fully put together I order to use! Rinse and repeat.

 

I’m gonna go and drink now, to mask my rage...

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18549

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That reminds me of a story. I had an acquaintance in the health club business and they were replacing their older treadmills with new ones. He asked if I wanted one of them basically for free. I had no interest but my wife assured me that she would use it "all the time". And she had the perfect place for it -- upstairs in the converted attic / spare room that nobody ever went into.

So they deliver it to my house and it's just enormous and weighs a fucking ton. I mean, it's a full size heavy duty gym quality treadmill. The thing is built like a tank and is as heavy as one. In order to get it up the narrow ass staircase, we had to disassemble it and then it still took 4 grown men to haul it up and get it where she wanted it. And then she never used it once. Not one fucking time.

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texashorne

texashorne 1178

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Somehow a nail gets lodged in the garbage disposal. I have a flashlight and a pair of pliers and can't get it out. I ask the wife to go the the garage and bring me the 2 longest flat-head screwdrivers she could find. I even shouted "FLAT HEAD" as she walked out the door. 

In she walks with 2 Phillip's head screwdrivers. I just laughed. 

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Modessit

Modessit 5601

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That's okay. I told my wife one year that for my birthday I wanted a long Phillips screwdriver. I even indicated the size with my hands at about a foot long as most of mine were 6-8". She bought me one that's like 3 feet long. "It was the biggest one they had."

Don't get me wrong. I've used it many times. Just not for what I wanted the 12" one for.

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