Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Armybrat 40862]

6 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

HEB begs to differ....

And you don't argue with fucking HEB, man.

Those are very close to the real thing.

[Armybrat 40862]

Mrs. Brat makes a batch of 2 Alarm Chili (preseasons the ground sirloin before mixing in the packaged seasoning) to spread over the Fritos & Del Rio Tortilla Factory original tamales. And then tops it with chopped 1015 onions & shredded cheddar cheese.

The 4th stent implant in January was worth it. 

Edited March 8, 2019 by Armybrat

[Steel Shank 9430]

Frito pie is made when you want a damn frito pie. Sometimes (and more often than not) it means using canned chili. Using canned chili is completeky accpetbale. To think otherwise is missing he point.

[Armybrat 40862]

Do you put liquid smoke on your bbq?

Do you go to arby’s To whet your snatch appetite?

Edited March 8, 2019 by Armybrat

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3868]

26 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Do you go to arby’s To whet your snatch appetite?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21919]

Do you go to arby’s To whet your snatch appetite?

I dated a girl who worked at Arby’s in high school, so sometimes yes.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2738]

Frito pie is made when you want a damn frito pie. Sometimes (and more often than not) it means using canned chili. Using canned chili is completeky accpetbale. To think otherwise is missing he point.

What if you don’t have Bud Light?

[NWBuck 8577]

26 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I dated a girl who worked at Arby’s in high school, so sometimes yes.

"She had the meat."

[Mudcat35 196]

22 hours ago, Modessit said:

I taught my wife long ago that if she asks for my help with something then I get to do it my way. Otherwise she can do it herself. Works out well.

This.  My stance is "you can tell me what to do or how to do it.  Not both."

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

Lets get this back on track:

 

Wife backed out of the covered driveway, except my 8 yr old hadn't yet shut her back door, so the door hit the pole and got bent all the way forward, completely destroying the hinge and doing a pretty good job on the back door and front door panels as well. That will only cost us 500$ with the insurance, including towing.

Today she's picks me up at work (since we are down to one car) after picking up the kid from school. The kid comes inside my office to "surprise" me, we go out and get into the car. I get in the passenger seat (yesterday she got pissy when I made her let me drive), and we start to drive off. The dashboard starts dinging. She asks "what's that noise?" I answer, " that's the car telling you that the backdoor isn't shut."

[PilotsError 2314]

Real Frito pie is when the chili and cheese comes from the machine at gas stations or food trucks. You people who do homemade shit are the same who call melts grilled cheese.

[NWBuck 8577]

5 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

The dashboard starts dinging. She asks "what's that noise?" I answer, " that's the car telling you that the backdoor isn't shut."

You should record that sound and play it when the missus crawls in bed. 

"Hey! Sounds like the backdoor is open tonight!" 

[Armybrat 40862]

Brilliant!

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

3 hours ago, NWBuck said:

You should record that sound and play it when the missus crawls in bed. 

"Hey! Sounds like the backdoor is open tonight!" 

She's going to counter by recording and playing "tone".

[tbone_ 14140]

She’ll just give him the idi Amin gif

 

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

[El Diablo 4232]

Wife is ajar.

[Llano Estacado 1257]

Last night she was trying to put the baby down and I was trying to convince my sick son to watch a crappy stream of Longhorn baseball w/ me while he plays hot wheels.

“We don’t get to watch much TV together. Let’s try and do that on Sundays. Get them down early...oh, did you see the trailer for GoT final season?!”

No.

*pulls it up on phone. We watch. Premieres April 14th on screen*

“What day of the week is April 14th?”

Tommy Lee Jones NCFOM.jpg

“...well how would I know if they changed to like a Tuesday for the premiere for this season...”

More TLJ.

“What?!?”

Train of thought brought on by discussing Sunday nights. Decades of Sunday prime time programming by HBO tons of which we’ve watched together. Yeah I’m sure the final season of their highest watched, critically acclaimed, award winning show they’re going to switch to a weekday release of Tuesday at 6 Eastern.

[LebongJames 1813]

My wife has no idea what night any shows originally air. But we stream everything.

[General Specific 3264]

my wife didn't know that Jerry Lewis and Jerry Lee Lewis were two different people

And we’re back!

[Dennis Taylor 18849]

21 hours ago, wd40 said:

my wife didn't know that Jerry Lewis and Jerry Lee Lewis were two different people

I convinced mine that Webster Slaughter was the kid from the TV show Webster 

[Rimbo 26033]

Wife decided that today would be a good day to let our 5 year old play with rice.

She also decided that today would be a good day to loan the vacuum cleaner to her dad.

Did I mention that the cleaning lady cleaned the house only yesterday?

[William_Cannon 86]

Last night we’re about ready to go to bed and she’s locking up, turning off lights, etc... She checks the garage to make sure the door is closed and yells at me, "the car is not in the garage." I ignore her because she knows why her car isn’t in the garage - she parked it in the driveway. 2 minutes later she yells again from the other side of the house , "the car is not in the garage.”

My response was, “is my truck in the garage?
Her - yes
Me - “ that’s because when I come home, I park in the garage. Now...Would you like me to pull in YOUR car for you?”
Her - no (in a mopie tone)

I normally do the gentleman bit and pull in her car without her even asking. However, i was beat and also saw the behavior I’ve created ... so I decided to be a smart ass instead.

I’m glad I was being stubborn because her stupid cat was apparently being especially stupid and getting near the car when she pulled in. I heard her pull forward and back 3 times! Good thing for the cat she took care of it because I would have let Darwin do his thing.

[Knoxtnhorn 6065]

My wife and I are both teachers.  Today her school had field day.  She came home acting like her school's field day was akin to basic training.  "I'm absolutely exhausted and need a break from everyone..."

It was 70 degrees today.

She was on cup stacking duty.

In the gym.

Those that have either manned field day as a teacher or parent will know how ridiculous this is.

Edited March 9, 2019 by Knoxtnhorn

[Rimbo 26033]

11 minutes ago, Rimbo said:

Wife decided that today would be a good day to let our 5 year old play with rice.

She also decided that today would be a good day to loan the vacuum cleaner to her dad.

Did I mention that the cleaning lady cleaned the house only yesterday?

And, just so we're absolutely clear on this, she did suggest the idea and help show my daughter how to play with rice. It's not like my daughter got into the rice on her own.

 

[Sandman 3410]

1 hour ago, Rimbo said:

And, just so we're absolutely clear on this, she did suggest the idea and help show my daughter how to play with rice. It's not like my daughter got into the rice on her own.

 

Bro, we already know this. We've been there.

[Rimbo 26033]

44 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Bro, we already know this. We've been there.

Is it Easter yet?

[Pato del Muerto 52553]

1 hour ago, Sandman said:

Bro, we already know this. We've been there.

Username kinda checks out

[mulletpelini 5214]

10 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

My wife and I are both teachers.  Today her school had field day.  She came home acting like her school's field day was akin to basic training.  "I'm absolutely exhausted and need a break from everyone..."

It was 70 degrees today.

She was on cup stacking duty.

In the gym.

Those that have either manned field day as a teacher or parent will know how ridiculous this is.

why would I need either to know how ridiculous it was, you're dealing with a woman, I believe you.  We all do.

[Kennythetiger 9418]

Rimbo, read Mr. Cannon’s post. That could be you. It’s just rice, man. 

[miguelito 11267]

She's out of town.  When she was packing for this trip, I suggested a pullover shirt, because it can get chilly there at night.  No, no, she has a jacket, she'll be fine.

Just got a text:  It's cold, I wish I had a long sleeve shirt.  I have to wear my jacket inside.

 

I'm somewhere between

and

 

Edited March 9, 2019 by miguelito
TLJ

[Modessit 5603]

My wife wanted a spill-proof coffee mug because her special-ed students sometimes knock it over. So I got her a nice one. Lately I noticed she was using her old one. I asked her why and she said her new one was dirty and she hadn't washed it yet. This went on for a week or so and I kept asking her when she was going to wash her new one. I got tone.

 

Then this happened:

 

 

She was using the new cup on Friday.

 

 

[bluto 4934]

Such greatness that she just volunteered the story at all

[Kennythetiger 9418]

Yep. I wouldn’t have said a word. 

[ABSR 5321]

5 hours ago, miguelito said:

She's out of town.  When she was packing for this trip, I suggested a pullover shirt, because it can get chilly there at night.  No, no, she has a jacket, she'll be fine.

Just got a text:  It's cold, I wish I had a long sleeve shirt.  I have to wear my jacket inside.

 

I'm somewhere between

and

 

Make sure to post a picture of the pullover she is going to buy. 

[Pato del Muerto 52553]

Does the old coffee cup not get dirty or need to be washed?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21919]

Make sure to post a picture of the pullover she is going to buy. 

Or a picture of her without the pullover shirt

[mulletpelini 5214]

I just read the last 2 pages to my lady.  We had a good laugh.  Damn I'm lucky.  #humblebrag.

[Brisketexan 105192]

Real Frito pie is when the chili and cheese comes from the machine at gas stations or food trucks. You people who do homemade shit are the same who call melts grilled cheese.

Dude. The cheap-ass champion move was to hit the 7-11 on MLK. Two hot dogs for .99 with free plastic pump chili and cheese. Take hot dog out of the container, fill with chili and cheese, put hot dog on top. That way, you got two bowls of chili and cheese and two hot dogs for .99.

Also, you got the shits.

But hey, 99 cents.

[Modessit 5603]

Does the old coffee cup not get dirty or need to be washed?

Apparently not.

[Incredulity 11681]

1 hour ago, ABSR said:

Make sure to post a picture of the pullover she is going to buy. 

She is going to fuck a bellhop to keep warm

[Kennythetiger 9418]

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Dude. The cheap-ass champion move was to hit the 7-11 on MLK. Two hot dogs for .99 with free plastic pump chili and cheese. Take hot dog out of the container, fill with chili and cheese, put hot dog on top. That way, you got two bowls of chili and cheese and two hot dogs for .99.

Also, you got the shits.

But hey, 99 cents.

I can’t even imagine the kinds of chili or cheese that would be given away for free. And out of a pump??

[Hanrahan 1306]

Couldn’t decide which thread this best fits but it goes here. 10 year old is eating dinner and watching tv. He has his hand down his pants (that trait comes from my side of the family). Goes something like this:

 

Wife: what are you doing? Why is your hand down your pants?

 

Kid: dumb look

 

Wife: You’re eating. That’s gross. You’re putting your hands on your private parts and then eating food. You can get sick with the germs.

 

Kid: Removes hands from pants.

 

A few minutes later, with the kid out of earshot.

 

Wife: Don’t you think that’s dirty? Eating after having your hands on your junk?

 

Me: deadpan

 

Wife: I think it’s gross.

 

Me: You know you skip the whole middle part of that process from time to time.

 

Wife: deadpan

 

Me: You put my penis in your mouth.

 

Wife: (hamster wheel turning) Well maybe I won’t do that anymore!

 

[Pato del Muerto 52553]

You fool

[Clackles 276]

34 minutes ago, Hanrahan said:

Couldn’t decide which thread this best fits but it goes here. 10 year old is eating dinner and watching tv. He has his hand down his pants (that trait comes from my side of the family). Goes something like this:

 

Wife: what are you doing? Why is your hand down your pants?

 

Kid: dumb look

 

Wife: You’re eating. That’s gross. You’re putting your hands on your private parts and then eating food. You can get sick with the germs.

 

Kid: Removes hands from pants.

 

A few minutes later, with the kid out of earshot.

 

Wife: Don’t you think that’s dirty? Eating after having your hands on your junk?

 

Me: deadpan

 

Wife: I think it’s gross.

 

Me: You know you skip the whole middle part of that process from time to time.

 

Wife: deadpan

 

Me: You put my penis in your mouth.

 

Wife: (hamster wheel turning) Well maybe I won’t do that anymore!

 

Clackles:  deadpan

[HornOnTheBayou 8945]

You didn't really think this through, did you?

[SilasCoade 2622]

1 hour ago, Hanrahan said:

Couldn’t decide which thread this best fits but it goes here. 10 year old is eating dinner and watching tv. He has his hand down his pants (that trait comes from my side of the family). Goes something like this:

 

Wife: what are you doing? Why is your hand down your pants?

 

Kid: dumb look

 

Wife: You’re eating. That’s gross. You’re putting your hands on your private parts and then eating food. You can get sick with the germs.

 

Kid: Removes hands from pants.

 

A few minutes later, with the kid out of earshot.

 

Wife: Don’t you think that’s dirty? Eating after having your hands on your junk?

 

Me: deadpan

 

Wife: I think it’s gross.

 

Me: You know you skip the whole middle part of that process from time to time.

 

Wife: deadpan

 

Me: You put my penis in your mouth.

 

Wife: (hamster wheel turning) Well maybe I won’t do that anymore!

 

[TrashMaster G 17583]

1 hour ago, Hanrahan said:

Couldn’t decide which thread this best fits but it goes here. 10 year old is eating dinner and watching tv. He has his hand down his pants (that trait comes from my side of the family). Goes something like this:

 

Wife: what are you doing? Why is your hand down your pants?

 

Kid: dumb look

 

Wife: You’re eating. That’s gross. You’re putting your hands on your private parts and then eating food. You can get sick with the germs.

 

Kid: Removes hands from pants.

 

A few minutes later, with the kid out of earshot.

 

Wife: Don’t you think that’s dirty? Eating after having your hands on your junk?

 

Me: deadpan

 

Wife: I think it’s gross.

 

Me: You know you skip the whole middle part of that process from time to time.

 

Wife: deadpan

 

Me: You put my penis in your mouth.

 

Wife: (hamster wheel turning) Well maybe I won’t do that anymore!

 

Wow.  Impressively dumb on your part.

[Armybrat 40862]

Almost as bad as that guy who shot himself in his jewels the other day.

[Hanrahan 1306]

Almost as bad as that guy who shot himself in his jewels the other day.

We’ve been together 20 plus years and married 15 plus. The battle lines are drawn. The trenches are well established. Withdrawing oral at this point is not in the cards. That would cause a cataclysmic rupture in the married-with-kids work-life balance.