Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[General Specific 3266]

Couldn’t decide which thread this best fits but it goes here. 10 year old is eating dinner and watching tv. He has his hand down his pants (that trait comes from my side of the family). Goes something like this:
 
Wife: what are you doing? Why is your hand down your pants?
 
Kid: dumb look
 
Wife: You’re eating. That’s gross. You’re putting your hands on your private parts and then eating food. You can get sick with the germs.
 
Kid: Removes hands from pants.
 
A few minutes later, with the kid out of earshot.
 
Wife: Don’t you think that’s dirty? Eating after having your hands on your junk?
 
Me: deadpan
 
Wife: I think it’s gross.
 
Me: You know you skip the whole middle part of that process from time to time.
 
Wife: deadpan
 
Me: You put my penis in your mouth.
 
Wife: (hamster wheel turning) Well maybe I won’t do that anymore!
 

Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do thread is over there->->->

[Longboard Horn 40424]

3 hours ago, General Specific said:

Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do thread is over there->->->

cacklinghens.com ???

[SHOOTER12 8819]

On 3/8/2019 at 1:05 AM, PilotsError said:

Real Frito pie is when the chili and cheese comes from the machine at gas stations or food trucks. You people who do homemade shit are the same who call melts grilled cheese.

I won't disrespect your view, however imo, Real Frito Pie comes from Little League ballparks in the 60's. That and the best dang hot/chili dogs in the universe.

Full disclosure: Haven't tried frito pies out in the wild in 3 decades, although imo hot/chili dogs suck compared to the good old days. 

Edited March 10, 2019 by SHOOTER12
Boozy fat finger syndrome

[NBMisha 224]

Real frito pie was at the Kangaroo stand across from junior high (it had been the HS in the 50's).  Cut one of the long sides of the bag open and dump the chili in, top with onions.  15c. When my dad would sing the "One Meatball" song, I would always think I would not do the one meatball for 15 cents, I'd be very content with the frito pie.

[HenryJames 66143]

2 hours ago, NBMisha said:

Real frito pie was at the Kangaroo stand across from junior high (it had been the HS in the 50's).  Cut one of the long sides of the bag open and dump the chili in, top with onions.  15c. When my dad would sing the "One Meatball" song, I would always think I would not do the one meatball for 15 cents, I'd be very content with the frito pie.

Frito pie in the bag is best frito pie.

[AM Wood 335]

5 minutes ago, HenryJames said:

Frito pie in the bag is best frito pie.

In Michigan that is called a walking taco. More specifically, on University of Michigan’s campus that is called date night because it’s the only warm taco any of those sexless dorks will ever see.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

In Michigan that is called a walking taco. More specifically, on University of Michigan’s campus that is called date night because it’s the only warm taco any of those sexless dorks will ever see.

Damn. No chill

[GRHorn 105]

First contribution here.

Just received a large package from Amazon. Most of it was 3 18 packs of toilet paper.  I carry them to laundry room where I see we already have 3 18 packs of toilet paper. I asked why she thought we needed over 100 rolls of toilet paper. 

Just a shoulder shrug in return.

We will have clean asses when the zombies come. 

[Jerry Callo 8714]

1 minute ago, GRHorn said:

We will have clean asses when the zombies come.

My wife will kill you for that stuff in the zombie apocalypse.  Nine seasons into the Walking Dead and she still gets upset that they aren't checking for toilet paper everywhere they go.

[Armybrat 40863]

I like the way your wife thinks.

[Kennythetiger 9420]

If it's Cottonelle with aloe, I'd say that's a good wife.

[CycleTex87 2980]

Heading to Austin this Thursday with my wife for a nice overnight in a downtown Austin hotel, a couple of nice meals, then pick up the UT freshman daughter (no pix you slimeballs) for spring break.  I broached the subject of where should we try to eat, and the wife says "SXSW is going on so we won't be able to eat".  OK, so my question to Surly is - is this statement thread worthy or remarkably intuitive on her part?  Can you get reservations at this point for Thursday night?  Any recommendations downtown for dinner?

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3868]

^^^

Get on Open Table and starting looking.

[TrashMaster G 17583]

26 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

Heading to Austin this Thursday with my wife for a nice overnight in a downtown Austin hotel, a couple of nice meals, then pick up the UT freshman daughter (no pix you slimeballs) for spring break.  I broached the subject of where should we try to eat, and the wife says "SXSW is going on so we won't be able to eat".  OK, so my question to Surly is - is this statement thread worthy or remarkably intuitive on her part?  Can you get reservations at this point for Thursday night?  Any recommendations downtown for dinner?

Pics of the wife?

[Modessit 5603]

You don't want to be downtown. Unless you're staying at the W or Fairmont or something.

 

I do UberEats and that's the worst area during SXSW.

 

 

[BrazilHorn 6628]

57 minutes ago, Modessit said:

You don't want to be downtown. Unless you're staying at the W or Fairmont or something.

 

I do UberEats and that's the worst area during SXSW.

 

 

This. Stay at Westin in the domain. 

Downtown a shitshow right now. 

[William_Cannon 86]

First contribution here.
Just received a large package from Amazon. Most of it was 3 18 packs of toilet paper.  I carry them to laundry room where I see we already have 3 18 packs of toilet paper. I asked why she thought we needed over 100 rolls of toilet paper. 
Just a shoulder shrug in return.
We will have clean asses when the zombies come. 

Check out the bidet thread and that TP will last a lifetime

[Pogo 284]

17 hours ago, GRHorn said:

First contribution here.

Just received a large package from Amazon. Most of it was 3 18 packs of toilet paper.  I carry them to laundry room where I see we already have 3 18 packs of toilet paper. I asked why she thought we needed over 100 rolls of toilet paper. 

Just a shoulder shrug in return.

We will have clean asses when the zombies come. 

It's a recurring order thing.  She ordered it to ship monthly/weekly/whenever and then forgets until the next one shows, then is too lazy to cancel it.  That's how we wound up with a couple hundred k-cups.  Log into the account and cancel it yourself, and she'll never even realize it.

[ChickenSandwich 9848]

Can someone please post a link to the Shagster wife who greeted her husband with a shotgun?

asking for a friend 

[KaiserSoze 998]

That was Brasky's wife, and that post is buried deep enough on the old site that not even a Proctologist should have to search for it. 

[Al_4_ISU 12475]

On 3/8/2019 at 3:51 PM, Dennis Taylor said:

I convinced mine that Webster Slaughter was the kid from the TV show Webster 

I laughed harder at this than I should have.

[Al_4_ISU 12475]

My wife has developed a habit lately of watching something on her phone while I'm driving and listening to tunes or a podcast (our mutually agreed to rule is that whomever drives controls the stereo), and not using head phones.  So it's blaring off the shitty phone speaker and creating a cacophony in the car.  In passive aggressive Midwestern fashion, I just slowly turn the stereo louder to drown it out.  Eventually she gets the hint, and gets mildly indignant about it.  Thank Christ she doesn't do this in public, but it's annoying as hell.

[PilotsError 2314]

The continued passive aggressiveness allows her to keep doing it.

[Trey3216 15350]

10 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

My wife has developed a habit lately of watching something on her phone while I'm driving and listening to tunes or a podcast (our mutually agreed to rule is that whomever drives controls the stereo), and not using head phones.  So it's blaring off the shitty phone speaker and creating a cacophony in the car.  In passive aggressive Midwestern fashion, I just slowly turn the stereo louder to drown it out.  Eventually she gets the hint, and gets mildly indignant about it.  Thank Christ she doesn't do this in public, but it's annoying as hell.

My wife tends to do this on the couch while I’m watching basketball.  

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

7 hours ago, KaiserSoze said:

That was Brasky's wife, and that post is buried deep enough on the old site that not even a Proctologist should have to search for it. 

Literally wading thru shit...

[Al_4_ISU 12475]

16 minutes ago, PilotsError said:

The continued passive aggressiveness allows her to keep doing it.

My disgust is always clearly verbalized.  I just like seeing if she can figure it out before I say something.

[TrashMaster G 17583]

42 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

My wife has developed a habit lately of watching something on her phone while I'm driving and listening to tunes or a podcast (our mutually agreed to rule is that whomever drives controls the stereo), and not using head phones.  So it's blaring off the shitty phone speaker and creating a cacophony in the car.  In passive aggressive Midwestern fashion, I just slowly turn the stereo louder to drown it out.  Eventually she gets the hint, and gets mildly indignant about it.  Thank Christ she doesn't do this in public, but it's annoying as hell.

I am in favor of a law that allows physical assault on individuals who play videos on their phones in public with the sound blasting.  Headphones/ear buds exist for a reason.

Fucking inconsiderate morons.

Sorry, back to bitching about wives...

[huge 3795]

2 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

My disgust is always clearly verbalized.  I just like seeing if she can figure it out before I say something.

Shitty headphones are basically free, keep them in your car and jam her up when she does this garbage

[Al_4_ISU 12475]

Just now, huge said:

Shitty headphones are basically free, keep them in your car and jam her up when she does this garbage

She did this on our last long road trip.  It was great.

But for some reason she took them out of the car, and was back at it the other day.

Edited March 12, 2019 by Al_4_ISU

[huge 3795]

this is your chance to be a hero

[Player 4575]

Shitty headphones are basically free, keep them in your car and jam her up when she does this garbage

[Nivek 16956]

I got hit with the stomach flu that had me on the toilet every 10-20 minutes for about 30 hours. So very little sleep, cant eat, forcing myself to drink a little water and tea to avoid caffeine withdrawal. I “sleep” on the couch as to not disturb her. Morning comes and I am worn the fuck out. I start watching QB1 on netflix and tell her we can plan on leaving in the morning to see her parents. I help where i can around house. Get packed and pack for the big kid.

We leave at 1:30pm.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

Me:* watching random CAA game on CBSSN*

 

W: lots of basketball this month, huh?

 

Me: yea...its march. Tournament starts next week

 

W: are we filling out pyramids?

 

M: laughs

 

W: what are they called?

M: brackets...sure.

 

 

 

 

 

She's going to beat me despite watching 0 seconds of college basketball in her entire life

 

 

[Llano Estacado 1257]

W: are we filling out pyramids?
M: laughs
W: what are they called?
M: brackets...sure.

Well no, unless round is funny.

[davidg 4038]

3 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Me:* watching random CAA game on CBSSN*

 

W: lots of basketball this month, huh?

 

Me: yea...its march. Tournament starts next week

 

W: are we filling out pyramids?

 

M: laughs

 

W: what are they called?

M: brackets...sure.

 

 

 

 

 

She's going to beat me despite watching 0 seconds of college basketball in her entire life

 

 

W: I chose these teams because their names sounded cute

[BearCountry11 1234]

"Are pigs just, like, all bacon?  What else what you eat from a pig?"

….we had pork chops last night for dinner.  

 

[Trey3216 15350]

12 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

So you married a black woman? Very open minded of you. Nice to see in Iowa.

He said the car, not the aisle at the grocery 

[Brothahorn 10087]

Ding Dong had a meeting in Pearland this morning at 8. She calls me at 7:45 complaining that she is stuck in traffic. GPS routed her downtown(BW 8, I-10, 45, 288). She could have easily taken the beltway all the way to 288. But GPS wouldn’t let her go that way. Now, she wants me to figure out why.

BTW, this is a drive she has made at least 10 times.

[Kennythetiger 9420]

12 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

"Are pigs just, like, all bacon?  What else what you eat from a pig?"

….we had pork chops last night for dinner.  

 

I'm with your wife.  I wish the entire pig could be bacon.  Except for the sausage part.

[ztejas 43526]

13 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

"Are pigs just, like, all bacon?  What else what you eat from a pig?"

….we had pork chops last night for dinner.  

 

Oh suuuuure BearCountry. Some MAGICAL animal.

[Brothahorn 10087]

I'm with your wife.  I wish the entire pig could be bacon.  Except for the sausage part.

And the pork chop part and the rib part.

[Mo Horn 8853]

1 hour ago, Brothahorn said:

Ding Dong had a meeting in Pearland this morning at 8. She calls me at 7:45 complaining that she is stuck in traffic. GPS routed her downtown(BW 8, I-10, 45, 288). She could have easily taken the beltway all the way to 288. But GPS wouldn’t let her go that way. Now, she wants me to figure out why.

BTW, this is a drive she has made at least 10 times.

She does understand that the GPS doesn't dictate the way she has to go and that it will recalculate automatically if she chooses a different route? Or maybe not. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

GPS can be absolutely worthless..especially if you know where you're going. Theyve rerouted our motor coach buses off of the flowing interstate to take a side road with lights and then hop back on the interstate you were just on. But hey...we shaved 500 ft of wear and tear by taking the GPS way

[Al_4_ISU 12475]

I celebrate pork's entire catalog.

[El Diablo 4232]

We used to do a march madness pyramid here at work but there's just no interest the last few years.

[Brothahorn 10087]

She does understand that the GPS doesn't dictate the way she has to go and that it will recalculate automatically if she chooses a different route? Or maybe not. 

She tried to go the other way, GPS kept telling her to turn around.

[Jerry Callo 8714]

[Al_4_ISU 12475]

20 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

I reference this every time my wife insists on GPS directions I know to be wrong.

[OrangEngr 1035]

58 minutes ago, Brothahorn said:

 

She tried to go the other way, GPS kept telling her to turn around.

 

Probably set to avoid tolls

[tucker 238]

Could be a poster.