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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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irishtexan

irishtexan 11515

Posted
Posted

Wife: I've got an idea that's going to save us a lot of money on redoing the bathroom

(We've not discussed nor agreed to redo our bathroom)

Wife: If we only do one glass panel instead of installing an entire new glass panel/door then we'll save a lot of money.

Me: So we're saving money on the most expensive plan that you priced out but was never a realistic option? That's not actually saving money. That's just wanting something that's still not going to happen.

Wife: tone.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

Posted
Posted
28 minutes ago, irishtexan said:

Wife: I've got an idea that's going to save us a lot of money on redoing the bathroom

(We've not discussed nor agreed to redo our bathroom)

Wife: If we only do one glass panel instead of installing an entire new glass panel/door then we'll save a lot of money.

Me: So we're saving money on the most expensive plan that you priced out but was never a realistic option? That's not actually saving money. That's just wanting something that's still not going to happen.

Wife: tone.

What until she tells you about how the 2 for 1 saves you a shitload of money despite the fact you don't need 2 (nor one)

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Sandman

Sandman 3403

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Couple of nights ago I'm up late working at the dining room table. Its quiet, kids are asleep, wife is asleep. Wife wakes up, comes into dining room, we exchange pleasantries. She goes to bathroom, gets some water from the kitchen, sits on the couch for five minutes while she looks at her phone, goes back to bed.

I get up and turn off the kitchen light, bathroom light, and two lamps in the living room that she turned on and left on.

Our hallway is about 25 feet long but you enter it about in the middle. Every time my wife goes in there, she HAS to turn on the light. It's like she's exploring the world's deepest cave or something. Of course, the light doesn't get turned off unless I do it. Every time I call her on it: Tone. We even have a night-light in there, at her demand. Still too dark.

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

Posted
Posted
Our hallway is about 25 feet long but you enter it about in the middle. Every time my wife goes in there, she HAS to turn on the light. It's like she's exploring the world's deepest cave or something. Of course, the light doesn't get turned off unless I do it. Every time I call her on it: Tone. We even have a night-light in there, at her demand. Still too dark.

My parent's house has an L-shaped hallway with a light at the turn. For some reason it has a switch on the bottom of the light fixture so you walk halfway down a dark hallway to turn on the light, but then can't turn it off when you get to their bedroom at the end. So you have to leave a light on in the living room, walk into the hallway to turn that light on, then to the bedroom to turn that light on, then back to shut off the living room and then hallway light before going to the bedroom.

 

After listening to my mom bitch about it for a while, I just installed a motion detector on the corner connected to the light. As soon as you enter the hallway from the living room or the bedroom the light comes on for about 2 minutes then shuts itself off.

 

My dad is much happier now.

 

 

 

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Superhero

Superhero 8828

Posted
Posted

First contribution in the Surly stupid wives thread...

Superheroine will drive halfway across town to return a $2 item that she bought then decided she didn’t need.

But a check for $1200? She tossed it out because she wanted to clean the house before the cleaning lady came.

And of course it’s all my fault for leaving it by the stack of mail - where we keep checks to be deposited.

Fuck!

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F250

F250 28764

Posted
Posted
On 4/18/2018 at 10:07 AM, TrashMaster G said:

So, either she admits she forgot the chicken or she says she thought a cooler could chill food indefinitely.  

And she opts for the magic cooler theory.

[Spock] Fascinating....  [/Spock]

Well, there is reality then there is a woman's reality and never shall the two meet.

 

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

Posted
Posted (edited)

There is nothing more fun than when your wife expects the worst to happen from a situation that hasn't even occurred yet, but to get really pissed about it a week or two in advance...............

you know JUST IN CASE it does happen, she wants me to know that she will be pissed if it happen. 

 

Psst- It was never going to happen but they don't want you to tell them that............

Edited by JimmyHoffa
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Antidean

Antidean 200

Posted
Posted

Last night while watching a cooking show:

I was trying to watch and wife was babbling on about something.

Wife: Hey, rewind that so I can hear what ingredients he was adding (she was talking through the entire segment).

I rewind the DVR to the ingredients add  point and hit play. Wife immediately starts talking again and misses what the chef says, again.

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uoftorange

uoftorange 1386

Posted
Posted

What is it about needing your validation, but not respecting what you say when you say it??

Two occurrences last night:

First:
Kid comes to my bathroom to use our spa tub because she said he could.  I get it going and realize that the handle cartridge is leaking and so I tell him he can't use it because it will pour water everywhere.  Kid is fine with it and understands, leaves to go upstairs to his own shower.
She runs into the bathroom 30 seconds later, yes runs
Her:  Why won't you let him use it?
Me:  I'm the one that tried to turn it on for him, what do you mean?  It's not working, the cartridge is bad like it was on your sink a few months ago
Her:  So you saw a leak?   (proceeding to turn the bath on anyway) I don't see a leak
Me:  It's where all that water that is pouring on your leg right now is...
Her:  That's not that big a deal (Her leg is literally soaked with water)
Me:  So now you see the leak at least and I'm not too incompetent to determine if there is one or isn't?
Her: Tone
Me: And, that's only a little bit of water because it's been on for 10 seconds and it takes multiple minutes to fill the tub.  There will be a big puddle if your run a full bath and why on earth does he need to take a bath in our bathroom at 9PM after his bedtime??

Second:
Me two weeks ago:  I want to go see Infinity Wars the first Friday it is out
Her:  I have friends coming over and want to see it too
Me:  You have confirmed people coming over?
Her:  Well we said we might do it
Me:  Well check and make sure please because the boys and I both want to go
Her: Ok
Last night happens
Her:  Did you get tickets for the movie?
Me:  No, you had people coming over, why would I have?
Her:  Well they decided that night when I asked them that it wasn't a good night
Me:  WTF? Seriously, so you knew two weeks ago and didn't say anything?  Tickets are going to be sold out now
Her:  Let's see if we can still go
Me, after 15 minutes of looking (while she sees me doing so):  The only time that would work that isn't the front row is 8:25 and there is only the back row open
Her:  I see a 6, a 7, I see all kinds of showings, let's just go to one of those instead.  I don't want to be out that late
Me:  Really?
Her:  What?  I just don't want to be out that late
Me:  That's not the issue.  The issue is that I just told you this was the ONLY time available that worked.  Why would you assume the others ARE available?
Her:  Well I see them.
Me:  WTF.  Clearly I've looked at those and deemed them untenable to our situation.  Did you look and see if tickets were actually available?
Her:  Well no, but they show the times...
Me:  I'm going to just stop talking to you for a few...
 

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19189

Posted
Posted
On 4/20/2018 at 7:54 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

My wife is always dressing our children inappropriately for the weather.  I'll come downstairs, ready to take the kids to school and they'll be wearing shorts and t-shirts and it's 55 degrees outside.  She just outright doesn't believe in rain jackets.  I ask about warmer clothes and I get a glare because she takes it as a criticism (which it should be, but I withheld it and get blamed for it anyway).  That's the way it is now.  It used to be I'd look at how the kids were dressed and ask her, "Don't you know it's cold outside?"  She acts like *knowing* the weather is akin to *predicting* the weather.  I'm like, "Why don't you just open the fucking door and step outside?  You know the weather changes in Texas all the time.  There are some patterns."  She acts like I'm asking the impossible.

 

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uoftorange

uoftorange 1386

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, bluto said:

Uoft post... that's a hard cringe and one of those posts on this thread that sounds more fit for marriage counseling as opposed to lulzy batshit wife. 

It is

But that said.  Most of it from my end was really said sarcastically/in jest.  I wasn't mad or upset just dumbfounded 

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54208

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Antidean said:

Last night while watching a cooking show:

I was trying to watch and wife was babbling on about something.

Wife: Hey, rewind that so I can hear what ingredients he was adding (she was talking through the entire segment).

I rewind the DVR to the ingredients add  point and hit play. Wife immediately starts talking again and misses what the chef says, again.

Good grief.  This happens soooooooooo much.  

I think it was the week before the NCAA tournament, someone on TV suggested that a team would be better off losing in the conference tournament.

Without giving us a chance to hear the rest of his argument, wife blurts out...

"That's crazy, why would it be better for a team to lose?  Aren't you always supposed to try to win, how could it be better to lose blah blah blah?"

"I would almost guarantee you that he was about to explain why he said that, but neither of us could hear that because you were talking."
 

She gets up and leaves the room, and I rewind and listen to his explanation.

60 seconds later, she comes back in the room.

"I still don't understand why he thinks it would be better to lose."
 

"THAT WAS LITERALLY THE NEXT FUCKING THING HE TALKED ABOUT, BUT YOU LEFT THE ROOM SO YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT."

Tone.

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PhillyD

PhillyD 1257

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sometimes I'll be  watching TV and the wife and kids start having a conversation.  I'll look at them and ask them to be quiet once and it works for a little bit, but it inevitably gets louder.  Then, perhaps passive aggressive, I'll rewind and turn up the volume so I can hear what was said.  They are always, always, silent during the rewind but pick up conversation when the show starts.

Edited by PhillyD
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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8699

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, JimmyHoffa said:

There is nothing more fun than when your wife expects the worst to happen from a situation that hasn't even occurred yet, but to get really pissed about it a week or two in advance...............

you know JUST IN CASE it does happen, she wants me to know that she will be pissed if it happen. 

 

Psst- It was never going to happen but they don't want you to tell them that............

That's my life.  This is about the time of year to worry about the potential scheduling conflict we might have in the fall with the girls sports, school, etc.  Of course, we don't have any actual schedules yet.

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8699

Posted
Posted (edited)

A few month ago, a female coworker (a wife) asked me to take a pair of shoes home to see if my wife or my girls could use them.  Why?  Because she bought them online from a place you where the shoes can neither be tried them on nor returned.  Bring the shoes home and fully explain the situation to my wife.  Wife loves them, but they are way too big.  The girls aren't going to like anything the wife likes. 

Fast forward a few weeks.  Wife:  Will you take these shoes to work to see if anyone can use them?  Guess where my wife decided to do some shoe shopping.

 

giphy.gif

ETA:  No pics of coworker, wife, or girls.

Edited by Jerry Callo
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Chilly Water

Chilly Water 415

Posted
Posted

I've been trying to fix a problem with my power washer intermittently losing pressure and needed to run it for awhile to see if I fixed it. Normally she takes her car to the car wash but I told her to just park it in the driveway so I could test the power washer on it. She pulls in at 5pm, sun blazing down on the driveway and wants to wash it now. I told her "bad idea to wash in the sun, you'll end up with water spots and that defies the purpose of doing it. We'll do it after dinner."

"NOPE, I want to do it now. I don't want to wait"

"Whatever, its your car, you get to live with the results."

So power washer shits out after a couple minutes and she has to finish washing with the hose while I pull the POS apart and figure out why its still not working. Her car is 3/4 dry from the sun because shes taking too long to wash each section. I told her to grab the towels I keep for drying my truck and wipe it all down to get rid of the water spots.

"But then I'll have streaks all over the windows. It can air dry."

"FML what do I know about washing cars? I've only hand washed mine for the last 15 years. You're gonna end up with water spots. Make sure you rinse out the bucket and sponge and put it in the garage."

I go out an hour later, the sponge and bucket are not in the garage and have both blown into the flower bed, covered in dirt. I go to rinse them off but instead of neatly hanging the hose up, shes basically tossed it on the hook knotted up like a pretzel. Now I have to untangle her mess so I can clean up her other mess.

Then I get a text this morning that she's going to the car wash on her lunch break because there's "stuff on all the windows." I tell her to wait until tomorrow because we're expecting rain today. She responds that they'll rewash it if it rains within 24 hours.

I didn't even bother explaining to her what a waste of time it would be to take there knowing its going to have to go back tomorrow.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17548

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

A few month ago, a female coworker (a wife) asked me to take a pair of shoes home to see if my wife or my girls could use them.  Why?  Because she bought them online from a place you where the shoes can neither be tried them on nor returned.  Bring the shoes home and fully explain the situation to my wife.  Wife loves them, but they are way too big.  The girls aren't going to like anything the wife likes. 

Fast forward a few weeks.  Wife:  Will you take these shoes to work to see if anyone can use them?  Guess where my wife decided to do some shoe shopping.

 

giphy.gif

ETA:  No pics of coworker, wife, or girls.

That one's on you, dude.  Shoulda seen it coming.

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Nolacycling

Nolacycling 893

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, uoftorange said:

What is it about needing your validation, but not respecting what you say when you say it??

Two occurrences last night:

First:
Kid comes to my bathroom to use our spa tub because she said he could.  I get it going and realize that the handle cartridge is leaking and so I tell him he can't use it because it will pour water everywhere.  Kid is fine with it and understands, leaves to go upstairs to his own shower.
She runs into the bathroom 30 seconds later, yes runs
Her:  Why won't you let him use it?
Me:  I'm the one that tried to turn it on for him, what do you mean?  It's not working, the cartridge is bad like it was on your sink a few months ago
Her:  So you saw a leak?   (proceeding to turn the bath on anyway) I don't see a leak
Me:  It's where all that water that is pouring on your leg right now is...
Her:  That's not that big a deal (Her leg is literally soaked with water)
Me:  So now you see the leak at least and I'm not too incompetent to determine if there is one or isn't?
Her: Tone
Me: And, that's only a little bit of water because it's been on for 10 seconds and it takes multiple minutes to fill the tub.  There will be a big puddle if your run a full bath and why on earth does he need to take a bath in our bathroom at 9PM after his bedtime??

Second:
Me two weeks ago:  I want to go see Infinity Wars the first Friday it is out
Her:  I have friends coming over and want to see it too
Me:  You have confirmed people coming over?
Her:  Well we said we might do it
Me:  Well check and make sure please because the boys and I both want to go
Her: Ok
Last night happens
Her:  Did you get tickets for the movie?
Me:  No, you had people coming over, why would I have?
Her:  Well they decided that night when I asked them that it wasn't a good night
Me:  WTF? Seriously, so you knew two weeks ago and didn't say anything?  Tickets are going to be sold out now
Her:  Let's see if we can still go
Me, after 15 minutes of looking (while she sees me doing so):  The only time that would work that isn't the front row is 8:25 and there is only the back row open
Her:  I see a 6, a 7, I see all kinds of showings, let's just go to one of those instead.  I don't want to be out that late
Me:  Really?
Her:  What?  I just don't want to be out that late
Me:  That's not the issue.  The issue is that I just told you this was the ONLY time available that worked.  Why would you assume the others ARE available?
Her:  Well I see them.
Me:  WTF.  Clearly I've looked at those and deemed them untenable to our situation.  Did you look and see if tickets were actually available?
Her:  Well no, but they show the times...
Me:  I'm going to just stop talking to you for a few...
 

her friends cancelled because they're going to see Infinity Wars.

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B00M

B00M 6414

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, bluto said:

Uoft post... that's a hard cringe and one of those posts on this thread that sounds more fit for marriage counseling as opposed to lulzy batshit wife. 

Fuck off with that judgy bullshit. This thread is therapy for men that clearly don't need marriage counseling.

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Nivek

Nivek 16923

Posted
Posted

Our youngest is into the throwing stage.  I am cooking and wife opts to let the toddler (1.5yrs) feed himself from his highchair with a ceramic bowl - and then she stops paying attention.   He eats a little then throws it on the ground shattering the bowl.  Wife then makes him a bottle and spaces out.  A glass  bottle.   She complains how she really liked that kids bowl and how cute it was.   The glass bottle shatters on the ground with milk.  The 6 yr old boy is trying to tell my wife that wasn't a good idea.    Fortunately we are running out of kids ceramics/glass items so this won't happen too many more times.

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1957

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Nivek said:

Our youngest is into the throwing stage.  I am cooking and wife opts to let the toddler (1.5yrs) feed himself from his highchair with a ceramic bowl - and then she stops paying attention.   He eats a little then throws it on the ground shattering the bowl.  Wife then makes him a bottle and spaces out.  A glass  bottle.   She complains how she really liked that kids bowl and how cute it was.   The glass bottle shatters on the ground with milk.  The 6 yr old boy is trying to tell my wife that wasn't a good idea.    Fortunately we are running out of kids ceramics/glass items so this won't happen too many more times.

Similar.  Wife lets two year old run around the entire house with some melty chocolatey food item in his hands.  I get home and see brown streaks all over the furniture and walls.  She acts like the situation was impossible to predict or prevent.

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HouTex

HouTex 1866

Posted
Posted
27 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Similar.  Wife lets two year old run around the entire house with some melty chocolatey food item in his hands.  I get home and see brown streaks all over the furniture and walls.  She acts like the situation was impossible to predict or prevent.

She didn't like the paint color and now she has the excuse to paint the house.

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miguelito

miguelito 11255

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Similar.  Wife lets two year old run around the entire house with some melty chocolatey food item in his hands.  I get home and see brown streaks all over the furniture and walls.  She acts like the situation was impossible to predict or prevent.

She can't predict the future, she's not Notre Damus.

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Anwar Namtut

Anwar Namtut 344

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Nivek said:

Our youngest is into the throwing stage.  I am cooking and wife opts to let the toddler (1.5yrs) feed himself from his highchair with a ceramic bowl - and then she stops paying attention.   He eats a little then throws it on the ground shattering the bowl.  Wife then makes him a bottle and spaces out.  A glass  bottle.   She complains how she really liked that kids bowl and how cute it was.   The glass bottle shatters on the ground with milk.  The 6 yr old boy is trying to tell my wife that wasn't a good idea.    Fortunately we are running out of kids ceramics/glass items so this won't happen too many more times.

You have glass bottles for baby bottles? WTF?

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Mr. Drummond

Mr. Drummond 2198

Posted
Posted

Wife is visiting a friend in colorado.   She was supposed to come home on Southwest last night.   Instead, yesterday she calls and asks if i mind if she stays one more night because they want to see a concert at red rocks  (oh, an aside, she had never heard of red rocks - but i digress) .   I say sure, how are you going to switch your flight, her friend says wife can use her frequent flyer miles and come in tomorrow morning - no big deal.    Costs like 50 extra bucks to transfer or whatever no big deal.

She texts me this morning the flight itinerary and it is on a United flight and instead of coming in to Hobby is coming into IAH.   No big deal, a little more out of my way, but whatever.

So she texts me that her flight lands and i respond i am 5 min away because traffic is a nightmare around Hobby.   Thinking i was going to be funny when she freaks out.  She never responds.

She comes outside at the terminal i pick her up and we are driving out of the airport, I said, i guess you didn't see my text about being at hobby, i was trying to be funny,  she says, no i saw it i dont get the joke. 

She thought she was at hobby.  

Once i told her no, you are at intercontinental, she says - i thought the terminal was much bigger than i remembered.

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