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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1960

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, HouTex said:

She didn't like the paint color and now she has the excuse to paint the house.

That's a whole other topic.  When we moved into our new house in November she didn't like the paint color of a couple of the rooms.  I didn't like it either.  She picked out the new color and the seller agreed to have a painter repaint those rooms.  Now she doesn't like the color she picked (I don't either) and has said numerous times how we have to repaint it.

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michael78747

michael78747 14

Posted
Posted
44 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

That's a whole other topic.  When we moved into our new house in November she didn't like the paint color of a couple of the rooms.  I didn't like it either.  She picked out the new color and the seller agreed to have a painter repaint those rooms.  Now she doesn't like the color she picked (I don't either) and has said numerous times how we have to repaint it.

I didn't realize you were a lesbian. Pics?

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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14188

Posted
Posted

Yesterday we had a half a gallon of perfectly fine milk plus a full unopened gallon in the fridge. This morning I only see the full gallon. Other jug is empty and in the trash. 

"Yall drank all that milk?"

"No." 

"It was fine yesterday, did it start to smell bad?" 

"No. It was getting close to the expiration date, and we have that other full gallon we need to open soon." 

"Open soon so we don't end up wasting half of it?" 

 

tone

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5210

Posted
Posted
On 4/25/2018 at 8:12 AM, JimmyHoffa said:

There is nothing more fun than when your wife expects the worst to happen from a situation that hasn't even occurred yet, but to get really pissed about it a week or two in advance...............

you know JUST IN CASE it does happen, she wants me to know that she will be pissed if it happen. 

 

Psst- It was never going to happen but they don't want you to tell them that............

I hear about my ex with "huge boobies" all the time.  Yeah, like I need you to remind me to think about those.

every time I read these posts, I immediately think you're all married to this chick

NecessaryWhisperedHedgehog-max-1mb.gif

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Mr. Drummond said:

Wife is visiting a friend in colorado.   She was supposed to come home on Southwest last night.   Instead, yesterday she calls and asks if i mind if she stays one more night because they want to see a concert at red rocks  (oh, an aside, she had never heard of red rocks - but i digress) .   I say sure, how are you going to switch your flight, her friend says wife can use her frequent flyer miles and come in tomorrow morning - no big deal.    Costs like 50 extra bucks to transfer or whatever no big deal.

She texts me this morning the flight itinerary and it is on a United flight and instead of coming in to Hobby is coming into IAH.   No big deal, a little more out of my way, but whatever.

So she texts me that her flight lands and i respond i am 5 min away because traffic is a nightmare around Hobby.   Thinking i was going to be funny when she freaks out.  She never responds.

She comes outside at the terminal i pick her up and we are driving out of the airport, I said, i guess you didn't see my text about being at hobby, i was trying to be funny,  she says, no i saw it i dont get the joke. 

She thought she was at hobby.  

Once i told her no, you are at intercontinental, she says - i thought the terminal was much bigger than i remembered.

i had to reread every line 4 times. 

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1960

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, michael78747 said:

I didn't realize you were a lesbian. Pics?

I think you meant gay man.  They have better design sense than dykes, if I have my stereotypes right.  Anyway, not liking wall colors classifies as gay these days?  Tough crowd.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17551

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Yesterday we had a half a gallon of perfectly fine milk plus a full unopened gallon in the fridge. This morning I only see the full gallon. Other jug is empty and in the trash. 

"Yall drank all that milk?"

"No." 

"It was fine yesterday, did it start to smell bad?" 

"No. It was getting close to the expiration date, and we have that other full gallon we need to open soon." 

"Open soon so we don't end up wasting half of it?" 

 

tone

Solid contribution.

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Irwin F Fletcher

Irwin F Fletcher 3550

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, BayouBill said:

Anytime my wife and her friends try and coordinate the most trivial plan together, they act like they're trying to plan a trip to the fucking moon. 

and like clockwork ends up like Apollo 13. Get all the way there and can't land..........but they'll deem it a "successful failure"

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El Moco

El Moco 45

Posted
Posted (edited)

My wife was just discussing an incident at her work where a girl had to be restrained and was telling me “she was as big as y” and caught herself.  I said go ahead and say it.  I know what you were going to say.  She tells me I didn’t want to say as big as you and hurt your feelings.  Bitch!

Edited by El Moco
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workswithseed

workswithseed 2097

Posted
Posted
21 minutes ago, El Moco said:

My wife was just discussing an incident at her work where a girl had to be restrained and was telling me “she was as big as y” and caught herself.  I said go ahead and say it.  I know what you were going to say.  She tells me I didn’t want to say as big as you and hurt your feelings.  Bitch!

Stop being fat, fatty.

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McCroskey

McCroskey 1504

Posted
Posted

Hanging out with Clintonaldo and his Mrs. yesterday and as she's standing there with a bag already slung over her shoulder, she reaches down and picks up another bag.  He says to her "you are taking two bags to the beach?"

She says "no, just one."

He looks incredulously at her and says "well what's that on your shoulder?" 

"A bag."  And then she starts into this spiel about "how that bag doesn't count."

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wd40

wd40 1976

Posted
Posted

up and working early this morning, as usual, enjoying my coffee, etc.  I hear a clatter on the stairs.  I look.  it's the wife, dropping her work badge there from over the balcony rail above. fine, wants to not forget it on her way out.  good idea.

an hour later, I get home from dropping off daughter #2 at school.  wife's walking out the door.   coffee's kicking in, so I lock the door behind her, and  quickly make my usual tour of the downstairs, turning off all the lights she and the kids left on, then start upstairs to the master bath to take a well-earned shit and a shower.  wife's furiously bangs on the door.  I unlock it.  she bursts in, all pissed off (at me) that she can't find her badge.  she eventually finds it...

upstairs.

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Jim Tom Pinch

Jim Tom Pinch 120

Posted
Posted
On 4/25/2018 at 10:47 AM, uoftorange said:

What is it about needing your validation, but not respecting what you say when you say it??

Two occurrences last night:

First:
Kid comes to my bathroom to use our spa tub because she said he could.  I get it going and realize that the handle cartridge is leaking and so I tell him he can't use it because it will pour water everywhere.  Kid is fine with it and understands, leaves to go upstairs to his own shower.
She runs into the bathroom 30 seconds later, yes runs
Her:  Why won't you let him use it?
Me:  I'm the one that tried to turn it on for him, what do you mean?  It's not working, the cartridge is bad like it was on your sink a few months ago
Her:  So you saw a leak?   (proceeding to turn the bath on anyway) I don't see a leak
Me:  It's where all that water that is pouring on your leg right now is...
Her:  That's not that big a deal (Her leg is literally soaked with water)
Me:  So now you see the leak at least and I'm not too incompetent to determine if there is one or isn't?
Her: Tone
Me: And, that's only a little bit of water because it's been on for 10 seconds and it takes multiple minutes to fill the tub.  There will be a big puddle if your run a full bath and why on earth does he need to take a bath in our bathroom at 9PM after his bedtime??

Second:
Me two weeks ago:  I want to go see Infinity Wars the first Friday it is out
Her:  I have friends coming over and want to see it too
Me:  You have confirmed people coming over?
Her:  Well we said we might do it
Me:  Well check and make sure please because the boys and I both want to go
Her: Ok
Last night happens
Her:  Did you get tickets for the movie?
Me:  No, you had people coming over, why would I have?
Her:  Well they decided that night when I asked them that it wasn't a good night
Me:  WTF? Seriously, so you knew two weeks ago and didn't say anything?  Tickets are going to be sold out now
Her:  Let's see if we can still go
Me, after 15 minutes of looking (while she sees me doing so):  The only time that would work that isn't the front row is 8:25 and there is only the back row open
Her:  I see a 6, a 7, I see all kinds of showings, let's just go to one of those instead.  I don't want to be out that late
Me:  Really?
Her:  What?  I just don't want to be out that late
Me:  That's not the issue.  The issue is that I just told you this was the ONLY time available that worked.  Why would you assume the others ARE available?
Her:  Well I see them.
Me:  WTF.  Clearly I've looked at those and deemed them untenable to our situation.  Did you look and see if tickets were actually available?
Her:  Well no, but they show the times...
Me:  I'm going to just stop talking to you for a few...
 

You married my ex?

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miguelito

miguelito 11256

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, McCroskey said:

Hanging out with Clintonaldo and his Mrs. yesterday and as she's standing there with a bag already slung over her shoulder, she reaches down and picks up another bag.  He says to her "you are taking two bags to the beach?"

She says "no, just one."

He looks incredulously at her and says "well what's that on your shoulder?" 

"A bag."  And then she starts into this spiel about "how that bag doesn't count."

Freakin' female counting systems.

 

her: I'll have 5 suitcases to take to the airport.

me: WTF?

her: Well, my big suitcase; I'll put my small one inside of that one 'cause I'll be bringing more stuff back [that's another story]; my backpack; my purse, which I can stuff inside of my backpack; my roller carryon, which I'll give to you to roll around; and my other roller.

me: WTF?

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17551

Posted
Posted
23 hours ago, wd40 said:

up and working early this morning, as usual, enjoying my coffee, etc.  I hear a clatter on the stairs.  I look.  it's the wife, dropping her work badge there from over the balcony rail above. fine, wants to not forget it on her way out.  good idea.

an hour later, I get home from dropping off daughter #2 at school.  wife's walking out the door.   coffee's kicking in, so I lock the door behind her, and  quickly make my usual tour of the downstairs, turning off all the lights she and the kids left on, then start upstairs to the master bath to take a well-earned shit and a shower.  wife's furiously bangs on the door.  I unlock it.  she bursts in, all pissed off (at me) that she can't find her badge.  she eventually finds it...

upstairs.

Why did you move it, asshole?

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Native Horn

Native Horn 3499

Posted
Posted
21 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

My wife, I love her and weve spent 30 of our 50 years together but goddamned if it doesn’t take her 15 minutes to get a sentence out sometimes. A couple of words, 10 second pause, couple more words, 5 second pause, get to the fucking point!  She’s a slow talker.  

Lemme guess. She does this while her face is buried in her phone, right?  Been there, done that.  

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Brew

Brew 3049

Posted
Posted
On 4/27/2018 at 12:18 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

I think you meant gay man.  They have better design sense than dykes, if I have my stereotypes right.  Anyway, not liking wall colors classifies as gay these days?  Tough crowd.

I think if you asked my what colors the walls in our house were and I wasn’t sitting at home, I could get tan and maybe blue but the others I’m not sure. Part of that is because she gets rooms painted more frequently than normal, but part is because I just don’t pay attention to it especially upstairs.

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, HenryJames said:

How many HDMI ports does your tv have?

Mine has 3. I renamed them "TV", "DVD", and "Game" so she'd know which one to use. She still calls me to tell me the TV isn't working (says "No Signal" because it was on "Game" but the Playstation is off).  

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EE2B

EE2B 1565

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My wife was walking our five year old across the street and ran across a dead snake in the driveway. She told me that she had found a snake and I needed to come look. I grab a small shovel and head out to the end of the drive. When I got out there I found a baby snake that was obviously dead. She walks up and I ask her what she wanted me to do. She replied “Kill it.”  I said “It’s already dead. “ She looked me dead in the eye and said “Kill it some more.” 

 

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plvhorn

plvhorn 25

Posted
Posted

We had some errands to run today. They should’ve taken about 2 hours. The plan was to wait for the baby to wake up from her nap and then hit the road. 

Baby wakes up, we get the diaper changed and then the wife goes in the laundry room and starts a load of delicates. Now we have to wait 30 minutes for the cycle to end so the clothes can be hung up.

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Landomatic

Landomatic 3813

Posted
Posted

Wife watches me take a pull off the mouthwash bottle and start swishing...then proceeds to ask me how I’m liking that new flavor of mouthwash.  Tone from me, you know because I have a fucking mouth full of mouthwash, is then folllowed with another question of if the whitening thing seems to be working.

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Sawbonz

Sawbonz 27545

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, EE2B said:

My wife was walking our five year old across the street and ran across a dead snake in the driveway. She told me that she had found a snake and I needed to come look. I grab a small shovel and head out to the end of the drive. When I got out there I found a baby snake that was obviously dead. She walks up and I ask her what she wanted me to do. She replied “Kill it.”  I said “It’s already dead. “ She looked me dead in the eye and said “Kill it some more.” 

 

Gonna have to side with your wife on this one. 

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next2naus

next2naus 439

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, plvhorn said:

We had some errands to run today. They should’ve taken about 2 hours. The plan was to wait for the baby to wake up from her nap and then hit the road. 

Baby wakes up, we get the diaper changed and then the wife goes in the laundry room and starts a load of delicates. Now we have to wait 30 minutes for the cycle to end so the clothes can be hung up.

this shit grinds my gears. 

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17551

Posted
Posted
16 hours ago, EE2B said:

My wife was walking our five year old across the street and ran across a dead snake in the driveway. She told me that she had found a snake and I needed to come look. I grab a small shovel and head out to the end of the drive. When I got out there I found a baby snake that was obviously dead. She walks up and I ask her what she wanted me to do. She replied “Kill it.”  I said “It’s already dead. “ She looked me dead in the eye and said “Kill it some more.” 

 

That's not stupid. That's just funny.

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