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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Sandman

Sandman 3411

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13 hours ago, Brew said:

I basically have a math major and my career is built around math. I ended up with two daughters. I hate nights when they have math homework, because they are really smart kids except for that one specific area. Between math and boys, high school is going to be quite an enjoyable time in my life I feel.

My ex-wife has a math degree. Are you a raving lunatic as well?

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elfenix

elfenix 34331

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8 minutes ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Ms CL is such a peach.

(she hasn't yet explained to me how this is my fault when we both got the same handout 8 months ago, but she will)

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she offered. now you'll have to wait until next month.

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CycleTex87

CycleTex87 2981

Posted
Posted
13 hours ago, Brew said:

I basically have a math major and my career is built around math. I ended up with two daughters. I hate nights when they have math homework, because they are really smart kids except for that one specific area. Between math and boys, high school is going to be quite an enjoyable time in my life I feel.

It's unbelievable really.  My college freshman daughter (no pics) scored in the top 1% on the SAT, yet is taking intro to statistics and seems to be struggling.  About 2/3 of the way through the semester, she texts "hey, they have practice problems at the end of the chapters!".   My engineering self rolled over in my future grave.

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lateshow

lateshow 1305

Posted
Posted
On 5/6/2019 at 10:33 AM, crimsonlonghorn said:

Ms CL is such a peach.

(she hasn't yet explained to me how this is my fault when we both got the same handout 8 months ago, but she will)

Band%20Text.png

Wow man. She blow the gardener with that mouth? 

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

If you aren't divorced you should be

I'm not perfect and just as bad to live with. 

In her defense, apparently she's switching over to some other kind of birth control (it's purely for regulation, tubes were tied a couple of years ago) and her doctor warned her she might experience "PMS from Hell" for a couple of days. And, to her credit, she warned me about it in advance. 

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8822

Posted
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On 4/25/2019 at 3:54 PM, CycleTex87 said:

The "baristas" at your basic Starbucks can't make a decent espresso to save their lives.  A high end system will make the stuff SBx sells taste like crap.  Kudos for upping the espresso game at your house. 

Kudos???? You out your mind..

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8822

Posted
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On 4/26/2019 at 11:40 AM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Image result for winston wolf coffee gif

So excited that for once that my wife isn't the one spending four grand on a fucking coffee maker. Thank god she's happy with the freeze dried Taster's Choice shit we put through our Keurig.

If my never did that, I would be selling her organs to recover the cost regardless of whose money it is that is just plain foolishness. Especially considering the fact that she's probably already buying coffee out at Starbucks or some other pricey s*******

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PatrickMcHorn

PatrickMcHorn 376

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This is from a few weeks back, but figured I needed to share. I told her I was going to go to Home Depot after work to get some tomato cages. I set them down on the back porch and then go inside to drop off on my work shit.

Her: "Are those the tomato cages?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "What if the kids hurt themselves on them?"

Our kids are 11, 12, and 14...

Me: "How would that happen exactly?"

Her: "Oh, I don't know, just playing around."

I laughed it off, went to the garden and stuck them into the ground.

The next day, she sees them out the window and says "Oh, the spiky parts go into the ground."

Me: wft

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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Posted
14 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Wife: Does the Sabine loop?

Me: What do you mean?

Wife: Like if you start floating will it take you back to the same place you put in?

Me: That's not how it works...

How do women keep from walking off of cliffs after watching Bugs Bunny cartoons?

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Flg8rfan

Flg8rfan 201

Posted
Posted
So my wife has been having stomach issues (whatever that means), and thinks it might be gluten related. Maybe packing your lunch instead of take out every day at work would be a better start but what do I know........

I now have a ton of gluten free food in the house that the kids and I won’t eat and she won’t cook or take to work (because takeout).

Guess what I’ll be throwing away shortly.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Guess who handed me a bag full of gluten free shit to throw away last night.....

I didn’t say a word, just grinned. She was less than appreciative.
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Clintonaldo

Clintonaldo 2576

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Posted

I like the cheap blueberry yogurt from Walmart. She buys the expensive shit

Her: Why aren’t you eating the good yogurt?

Me: I don’t like it

Her: Well, I bought the good yogurt 

Me: I am assuming you bought the cheap yogurt also unless you are telling me some one broke into our house and left Great Value yogurt. 

 

Just a blank look on her face. 

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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Posted
I like the cheap blueberry yogurt from Walmart. She buys the expensive shit
Her: Why aren’t you eating the good yogurt?
Me: I don’t like it
Her: Well, I bought the good yogurt 
Me: I am assuming you bought the cheap yogurt also unless you are telling me some one broke into our house and left Great Value yogurt. 
 
Just a blank look on her face. 
Chobani 100 Greek vanilla that are 2.49 a pack?
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Clintonaldo

Clintonaldo 2576

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Just now, MNLonghornFUKM said:
23 minutes ago, Clintonaldo said:
I like the cheap blueberry yogurt from Walmart. She buys the expensive shit
Her: Why aren’t you eating the good yogurt?
Me: I don’t like it
Her: Well, I bought the good yogurt 
Me: I am assuming you bought the cheap yogurt also unless you are telling me some one broke into our house and left Great Value yogurt. 
 
Just a blank look on her face. 

Read more  

Chobani 100 Greek vanilla that are 2.49 a pack?

No, some shit in little glass jars. 

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

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Posted
11 hours ago, Clintonaldo said:

No, some shit in little glass jars. 

I recently started seeing these little tiny plants in little glass jars in my house.  I have also concluded that my wife buys this yogurt not because she likes it better, but rather that she likes putting little tiny plants into the tiny glass jars.

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6649

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I think I may have reached a tipping point with my wife.  Tipping into smarts vs. emotional, says I.

Q:  "Hey, did you get me anything for Mother's Day?"

A:  "Umm" [Spidey Sense tingling just a little bit, anticipating the trap has been laid] "No, not yet."
 

Her:  "Get us a dryer.  Whirlpool or Maytag."  [ours is beat in a lot of crazy ways & is actually destroying clothes]

Me:  [whips out phone, pulls up Home Depot app] "Well, let's see..."

 

This is the inverse of the "stupid shit they say & do", but it's not worthy of it's own thread.

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Dnaguy

Dnaguy 12047

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Whirlpool is 75% Maytag parts, and minus the long warranty. 

If you can wait for July 4th, do it. Best time to buy appliances... especially if you’re buying multiple units. HD usually does a $50 additional off for 2 appliances, $100 for 3, etc. this is in addition to sales prices.

the real trick is finding a model that lowes has cheaper. Price match it at HD... their policy to to price match + 10% off... then make sure they honor their additional $50/$100, etc off promo.

or if you can’t wait, buy from lowes ... they should have a Memorial Day sale coming up. You can google “lowes coupon generator”. There you can snag a 10% coupon code. So you’ll get Memorial Day sale + 10%. Again, see if Home Depot has it cheaper. Lowes also does the PM + 10%. So if you catch the right manager you may even be able to add your 10% coupon code on top of that! There’s no guarantee on that trick though. YMMV.

Edited by Dnaguy
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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5216

Posted
Posted

 

On 5/3/2019 at 7:33 PM, Nivek said:


I got those little Tiles mostly because of her. I used to think she liked my keys more because there were only 2 keys and a fob on each set, whereas hers looks like a janitors. Then I started finding all 3 sets in her purse.
 

Me:  Hey why haven't you started using those tiles I got you for christmas yet?

Her:  I can't remember where I put them.

On 5/5/2019 at 9:32 PM, Brew said:

I basically have a math major and my career is built around math. I ended up with two daughters. I hate nights when they have math homework, because they are really smart kids except for that one specific area. Between math and boys, high school is going to be quite an enjoyable time in my life I feel.

Sounds like you'll need to divide your money 3 ways and subtract yourself out from any happiness the rest of their lives.

On 5/8/2019 at 9:14 PM, Nolacycling said:

Tell her French women love anal.

No gotdamnit how many times have I said it.  Have a complete stranger tell them what you want to have happened.

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Kwix

Kwix 2197

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8 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

Have a complete stranger tell them what you want to have happened.

QF-Fuckin-T

I can tell my wife something 100 times and she ignores it. But if a co-worker later says the exact same thing she will come home and tell me all about this great advice she just got. 

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thunderlounge

thunderlounge 7914

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10 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

If you can wait for July 4th, do it. Best time to buy appliances... especially if you’re buying multiple units. HD usually does a $50 additional off for 2 appliances, $100 for 3, etc. this is in addition to sales prices.

the real trick is finding a model that lowes has cheaper. Price match it at HD... their policy to to price match + 10% off... then make sure they honor their additional $50/$100, etc off promo.

or if you can’t wait, buy from lowes ... they should have a Memorial Day sale coming up. You can google “lowes coupon generator”. There you can snag a 10% coupon code. So you’ll get Memorial Day sale + 10%. Again, see if Home Depot has it cheaper. Lowes also does the PM + 10%. So if you catch the right manager you may even be able to add your 10% coupon code on top of that! There’s no guarantee on that trick though. YMMV.

 

Lowes for sure, maybe HD too, will have a buy washer get dryer for free sale usually. Wait it out if you can. 

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19212

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Posted
10 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

If you can wait for July 4th, do it. Best time to buy appliances... especially if you’re buying multiple units. HD usually does a $50 additional off for 2 appliances, $100 for 3, etc. this is in addition to sales prices.

the real trick is finding a model that lowes has cheaper. Price match it at HD... their policy to to price match + 10% off... then make sure they honor their additional $50/$100, etc off promo.

or if you can’t wait, buy from lowes ... they should have a Memorial Day sale coming up. You can google “lowes coupon generator”. There you can snag a 10% coupon code. So you’ll get Memorial Day sale + 10%. Again, see if Home Depot has it cheaper. Lowes also does the PM + 10%. So if you catch the right manager you may even be able to add your 10% coupon code on top of that! There’s no guarantee on that trick though. YMMV.

Hell, at that rate they'll be paying you to take it out of the store.

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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Ms CL calls me yesterday.

"You locked my keys in my car after you moved it!"

"If I did, I left the driver side window down, so you are OK."

"Tell me how that fixes it!"

"Reach inside the window and open the door."

<silence>

<silence>

<more silence>

"Nevermind."

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

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1 hour ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Ms CL calls me yesterday.

"You locked my keys in my car after you moved it!"

"If I did, I left the driver side window down, so you are OK."

"Tell me how that fixes it!"

"Reach inside the window and open the door."

<silence>

<silence>

<more silence>

"Nevermind."

 

At least you didn't lock her in the car. She probably would still be sitting there. 

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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Posted



Ms CL calls me yesterday.
"Fuck you.You fucking locked my fucking keys in my fucking car after you fucking moved it!"
"If I did, I left the driver side window down, so you are OK."
"Fuck you. Tell me how that fucking fixes it!"
"Reach inside the window and open the door."



"Fuck you. Fucking nevermind."



How it really went down...
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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5216

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Posted

In my storied experience, that exact type of conversation may or may not have happened, and yet I get called out for being the asshole who's always cussing and yelling.  So here's my advice to the youngins.  You're gonna really want to call her a bitch or a cunt, but don't.

Call her an asshole.  You'll get your point across, you'll feel better, and they don't equate asshole into women terms the same way cunt or bitch does.

OHIWU2a-Imgur.gif?w=1200&strip=all

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tejas60

tejas60 3534

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

 You're gonna really want to call her a bitch or a cunt, but don't.

I once replied to an email from my soon to be ex with "What I get from that video is that Dale Hanson is getting soft. Fuck you cunt."

she forwarded it to everyone in my family she had an email address for. they all congratulated me for telling the truth.

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