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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

Posted Images

OrangEngr

OrangEngr 1035

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, DaysOff said:

An Instagram husband can be any gender and sexual orientation, and he doesn't have to be your actualhusband. ... In 2016, the editor Meredith Haggerty enlisted anInstagram husband, really just a woman she had hired through an app, to follow her around a fashion show and snap pics.

The more you know.

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk
 

So, a photographer?

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52498

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, williemackgarza said:

Wife= I only have 5% oil life left on my car! You think it will live till monday or will it die over the weekend? Im so busy and I know you wont do shit about it.
Me: itll be aite
Wife- Thanks for nothing!

Send her a google calendar invite or evite to the funeral for her oil. Include a heartfelt obituary. 

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54230

Posted
Posted
43 minutes ago, williemackgarza said:

Wife= I only have 5% oil life left on my car! You think it will live till monday or will it die over the weekend? Im so busy and I know you wont do shit about it.
Me: itll be aite
Wife- Thanks for nothing!

My wife knows not to ask that question because she knows I'd yell at her if she let it get to 5%.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5211

Posted
Posted

When we go out, I drive about 99.9% of the time, and she has zero problem with that because it allows her to not pay any attention to where we are going and she can just get lost in her facebook/instagram/youtube/whatthefuckever on her phone so her awareness becomes zero.

Me: (driving)

Some other driver randomly honking at whatever the fuck they are honking at: Honk! HONNKKKKK!

Her: Are they honking at you?

every.single.time.

 

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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14203

Posted
Posted (edited)

So I've had a pinched nerve or something shooting pain in the middle of my back all day. 

Wife: Can you go over to my grandma's with my BIL in a little while to help put in a window unit in her living room? 

Me: Yeah no problem. 

Her: What about your back? 

Me: Those things aren't that heavy so BIL can probably do most of the lifting. Besides I'll pop a handful of Advil right before we leave. 

Her: Oh ok cool. .... before they get here can you move all these boxes of baby clothes out of the living room so our house doesn't look so messy? 

Edited by NorthLoop
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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10087

Posted
Posted
Wife= I only have 5% oil life left on my car! You think it will live till monday or will it die over the weekend? Im so busy and I know you wont do shit about it.
Me: itll be aite
Wife- Thanks for nothing!


Yeah well mines check engine light has been on for a month(needs oil change) but she is too busy to go. I stopped trying to help when she got pissy with me because I offered to pickup the car and take it from her job. Claimed she had too much stuff in the trunk to take out right now. Her car, her problem.
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ShaggyBevo RIP

ShaggyBevo RIP 3868

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Brothahorn said:

 


Yeah well mines check engine light has been on for a month(needs oil change) but she is too busy to go. I stopped trying to help when she got pissy with me because I offered to pickup the car and take it from her job. Claimed she had too much stuff in the trunk to take out right now. Her car, her problem.

 

Congrats on the engine replacement bill.

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18823

Posted
Posted
Just now, MNLonghornFUKM said:
11 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:
Saturday at an outdoor graduation party- "I think it's going to be a hot summer"
230114_908223010.png 

Shes probably right. It's supposed to be like 86 today and im freaking out. Cant imagine what Texans are going through right now

86...that's cute 

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

Posted
Posted

Can you take care of XYZ for me? 

Yes, I will take care of it. 

 

-have you done it yet? 

-If I were you I would get XYZ done before the end of the week we have a busy weekend

-I think you should do it this way

-It might take more time then you think

-I spoke to so and so about XYZ and this is what they think

-XYZ is important don't forget to get it done

-Do you need any help with XYZ? 

-Do you have an estimated time when XYZ is going to get done? 

and wait for it..................................

I wouldn't have done XYZ that way.

 

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

Can you take care of XYZ for me? 

Yes, I will take care of it. 

 

-have you done it yet? 

-If I were you I would get XYZ done before the end of the week we have a busy weekend

-I think you should do it this way

-It might take more time then you think

-I spoke to so and so about XYZ and this is what they think

-XYZ is important don't forget to get it done

-Do you need any help with XYZ? 

-Do you have an estimated time when XYZ is going to get done? 

and wait for it..................................

I wouldn't have done XYZ that way.

 

Sunday Morning, 11:30am

Me:  Hey babe, I gotta run to Home Depot to see if they have this thing.

Wife:  I wanna go too!   (still laying in bed, which means at least 30 minutes of waiting before departure)  I saw this thing on Pinterest.. 

Me: {Rolls eyes, stops listening}  

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BigDHornfan

BigDHornfan 6548

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Sunday Morning, 11:30am

Me:  Hey babe, I gotta run to Home Depot to see if they have this thing.

Wife:  I wanna go too!   (still laying in bed, which means at least 30 minutes of waiting before departure)  I saw this thing on Pinterest.. 

Me: {Rolls eyes, stops listening}  

Oh hell no.  Going to Home Depot solo is therapeutic.  She ain't ruining that.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, BigDHornfan said:

Oh hell no.  Going to Home Depot solo is therapeutic.  She ain't ruining that.

That and I was out of beer, hence 11:30 am Sunday solo departure.  Had to kill 30 minutes until H-E-B opened, er, unlocked the vault 

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Pig Bellmont

Pig Bellmont 8718

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Sunday Morning, 11:30am

Me:  Hey babe, I gotta run to Home Depot to see if they have this thing.

Wife:  I wanna go too!   (still laying in bed, which means at least 30 minutes of waiting before departure)  I saw this thing on Pinterest.. 

Me: {Rolls eyes, stops listening}  

Want to know how I know you don’t have small children?

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babysdaddy

babysdaddy 2724

Posted
Posted
42 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

Can you take care of XYZ for me? 

Yes, I will take care of it. 

 

-have you done it yet? 

-If I were you I would get XYZ done before the end of the week we have a busy weekend

-I think you should do it this way

-It might take more time then you think

-I spoke to so and so about XYZ and this is what they think

-XYZ is important don't forget to get it done

-Do you need any help with XYZ? 

-Do you have an estimated time when XYZ is going to get done? 

and wait for it..................................

I wouldn't have done XYZ that way.

 

The request to do something followed by critique on how it was done used to happen a few times a year.  No more.  After a two day, 12 hour build of a playhouse for our daughter involving 500 screws and 60 different parts, she came out and asked if the two pieces of roof were flush and then proceeded to tell me it was off by 1/8 of an inch.  I looked at her with Tommy Lee Jones face and said "Are you fucking kidding me?".  She then thanked me for the effort and went back inside.  

 

Of course, I've had dry balls since then but it felt like a victory.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, Pig Bellmont said:

Want to know how I know you don’t have small children?

Correct.  We don't.  But she's a teacher and just finished on Friday.  I let her relax as much as possible the first weekend after school is out.  It makes things a lot easier.  Naturally I had been awake since 6:30 and had been itching to get out of the house for several hours.  

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

Posted
Posted
14 minutes ago, babysdaddy said:

The request to do something followed by critique on how it was done used to happen a few times a year.  No more.  After a two day, 12 hour build of a playhouse for our daughter involving 500 screws and 60 different parts, she came out and asked if the two pieces of roof were flush and then proceeded to tell me it was off by 1/8 of an inch.  I looked at her with Tommy Lee Jones face and said "Are you fucking kidding me?".  She then thanked me for the effort and went back inside.  

 

Of course, I've had dry balls since then but it felt like a victory.

 

VERY funny story that has helped in my house. 

 

My mother can be a little much and being retired she is a gossip and loves to take the negative outlook on things. She is still amazing it just cracks all of us up that she sometimes disagrees on stupid shit that she knows nothing about just to disagree. My wife and her have a great relationship but like most MIL/DIL relationships they can have their moments and the big one for my wife is how she always questions everything.

 Well sitting at dinner the other day (my wife, our two sons and I) I say something and my wife disagrees.

One of my sons says- "Mom, you sound like Grandma!" 

I have never laughed so hard in my life and my wife gave me the death stare and then started laughing as she knew she was busted. 

It was fucking perfect and I didn't have to say a damn thing! 

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thunderlounge

thunderlounge 7832

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Trey3216 said:

Sunday Morning, 11:30am

Me:  Hey babe, I gotta run to Home Depot to see if they have this thing.

Wife:  I wanna go too!   (still laying in bed, which means at least 30 minutes of waiting before departure)  I saw this thing on Pinterest.. 

Me: {Rolls eyes, stops listening}  

Was there time for Bed Bath & Beyond?

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

Was there time for Bed Bath & Beyond?

No, I think her and the M-I-L went and did that later in the afternoon.  I went and got some St. Augustine plugs to fill in a few bare patches in the backyard and then mowed the front, at 2 PM.  

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babysdaddy

babysdaddy 2724

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

 

VERY funny story that has helped in my house. 

 

My mother can be a little much and being retired she is a gossip and loves to take the negative outlook on things. She is still amazing it just cracks all of us up that she sometimes disagrees on stupid shit that she knows nothing about just to disagree. My wife and her have a great relationship but like most MIL/DIL relationships they can have their moments and the big one for my wife is how she always questions everything.

 Well sitting at dinner the other day (my wife, our two sons and I) I say something and my wife disagrees.

One of my sons says- "Mom, you sound like Grandma!" 

I have never laughed so hard in my life and my wife gave me the death stare and then started laughing as she knew she was busted. 

It was fucking perfect and I didn't have to say a damn thing! 

perfect, thanks son.

Older ladies with nothing to do are always looking at every situation with stink face.  And my wife hates my mom.  I know very few MIL/DIL relationships that work

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ABSR

ABSR 5312

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, babysdaddy said:

perfect, thanks son.

Older ladies with nothing to do are always looking at every situation with stink face.  And my wife hates my mom.  I know very few MIL/DIL relationships that work

Wives hate MIL's because when the MIL is around she fills the "she sometimes disagrees on stupid shit that she knows nothing about just to disagree" role and wife wants to have that  role for herself.

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