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Posted
There is no greater unfulfilled promise than the BJ. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a thousand times, I'm going to go rub one out and you can go do whatever the fuck it is you want me to do your gotdamned self. At this point, she might as well promise to sprout wings and fly to the moon. Or stop buying ridiculous decorative shit.

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Posted
On 7/17/2019 at 3:53 PM, Nivek said:


Money. The upside is that my house isn’t filthy from 3 kids. Even if there is marker art on a wall.

My house gets cleaned and I watch football.

Posted
On 7/17/2019 at 11:51 AM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

 

I'm so numb to my wife starting a sentence with "I need"

not as bad as "we need" 

No. We don't. At all. 

 

Or when you get 2 "we need"'s that contradict eachother. 

"We need to spend less money on the weekends" .... 2 hours later "we need to go on more date nights" 

Posted
7 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

not as bad as "we need" 

No. We don't. At all. 

 

Or when you get 2 "we need"'s that contradict eachother. 

"We need to spend less money on the weekends" .... 2 hours later "we need to go on more date nights" 

See, I add those together and get "We need to do more things together that don't cost money, like take walks and fuck."

Posted
20 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

not as bad as "we need" 

No. We don't. At all. 

Yeah all the " we need" announcements involve

A. Labor on my part

B. Money spent on shit that is absolutely unnecessary 

Or C. ( and most commonly) Both A and B

  • Like 2
Posted
14 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Yeah all the " we need" announcements involve

A. Labor on my part

B. Money spent on shit that is absolutely unnecessary 

Or C. ( and most commonly) Both A and B

How long have you been married to my wife?

Posted
On 7/21/2019 at 12:29 AM, NorthLoop said:

not as bad as "we need" 

No. We don't. At all. 

 

Or when you get 2 "we need"'s that contradict eachother. 

"We need to spend less money on the weekends" .... 2 hours later "we need to go on more date nights" 

You should respond that she doesn't need to worry about finances, as that's a man's job.

Posted
2 hours ago, You don't know me said:

You should respond that she doesn't need to worry her pretty little head about finances, as that's a man's job.

Fixed it for you.... Rookie.

  • Like 6
Posted

Anybody else get the “we” question? Did we take the trash out last night? Did we remember to leave money out for the maid? 

No. “We” did not do those things. However, as usual, I did those things. And not that it’s a big deal, I don’t even mind doing it. But you know damn well that you didn’t do it, so don’t be asking if “we” accomplished a task. 

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

I think that's a first. Flushing your keys. 

I don't recall hearing it. Perhaps in the mists of time it happened before. 

I know my grandmother washed a wedding ring down the drain and lost it. Granddad got another and told her if she washed it down the drain he wasn't going to buy her a third.

 

Edited by cactusflinthead
Posted
23 minutes ago, blacklab said:

Somehow my wife managed to have her car keys fall in the toilet at the outlet mall in San Marcos. Instead of reaching in and getting them, while her mom was emptying out a plastic bag to put her hand in, the auto flush kicked in and they went away. 

So, $75 for a tow from the outlet mall to across the highway, $149 for a new key, and 6 hours of my life wasted driving back and forth to San Marcos twice we’re back to normal. 

Hopefully she doesn’t wait 2 years to get a second key this time. 

Why didn’t you just buy 2 keys instead of 1?

Posted
10 hours ago, blacklab said:

Somehow my wife managed to have her car keys fall in the toilet at the outlet mall in San Marcos. Instead of reaching in and getting them, while her mom was emptying out a plastic bag to put her hand in, the auto flush kicked in and they went away. 

So, $75 for a tow from the outlet mall to across the highway, $149 for a new key, and 6 hours of my life wasted driving back and forth to San Marcos twice we’re back to normal. 

Hopefully she doesn’t wait 2 years to get a second key this time. 

   The comedy of errors in this is almost unbelievable. How one would even drop keys in the toilet is beyond me......

Posted
13 minutes ago, Thatguy said:

   The comedy of errors in this is almost unbelievable. How one would even drop keys in the toilet is beyond me......

It might mean that a wad of toilet paper wound up in her purse. 

  • Like 1
Posted

The look on her face after the 2000 psi turbo flusher kicks in and her keys disappear in a flash wouldve been indescribable

 

 

 

Why did you need to drive to San Marcos twice and also why did you tow it out of a mall's parking lot to assuming another parking lot?

Posted
4 hours ago, Thatguy said:

   The comedy of errors in this is almost unbelievable. How one would even drop keys in the toilet is beyond me......

My mom dropped her phone in the toilet, and then leaned down in the toilet to try to keep talking to the person she was on the phone with.

  • Haha 4
Posted
5 hours ago, Thatguy said:

   The comedy of errors in this is almost unbelievable. How one would even drop keys in the toilet is beyond me......

 

They were sticking out of her back pocket. When she stood up they caught the toilet seat.

 

4 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

The look on her face after the 2000 psi turbo flusher kicks in and her keys disappear in a flash wouldve been indescribable

Why did you need to drive to San Marcos twice and also why did you tow it out of a mall's parking lot to assuming another parking lot?

Happened on Sunday, honda dealer was closed. So I had to drive down to pick her up on Sunday.

On monday I had to drive her down to pick up the car with the new key.

Honda dealer needed the car on the lot to make the key.

3 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

So, she wiped herself with her key?

no

  • Like 1
Posted

14589.jpg

 

wife was talking to her dad, and i guess he was curious about the Global knife i have, so she asked on his behalf....

"hey honey, how much is your knife?"

"?!?!??!?!?!?"

"how much is your metal knife?"

"what?    (bitch, all knives are made of metal)"

"the silver one"

"all my knives are metal.  theyre silver colored.  none are made of silver.  my pocket knife?  our kitchen knifes?  their kitchen knives that i gifted to them?  big? small?  what knives"

"the silver one"

 

#facepalm.

 

Posted
2 hours ago, justhookit said:

My mom dropped her phone in the toilet, and then leaned down in the toilet to try to keep talking to the person she was on the phone with.

"I'll call youuuuuuuuuu......"

Posted
On 7/23/2019 at 2:03 PM, justhookit said:

My mom dropped her phone in the toilet, and then leaned down in the toilet to try to keep talking to the person she was on the phone with.

how do you know she kept talking? shirley she didn't tell you that. are you from oklahoma?

Posted

My wife made an offhand comment recently about Canadians worshiping the devil. Asked her why and she said it was because of their national anthem. Apparently she misheard "we stand on guard for thee" to be "we stand on God for thee". 

  • Like 5
  • Haha 2
Posted

A couple of times a year, my wife has a huge knock down drag out fight with her sister. The cold war usually lasts about a week during which my wife vows that she is going to set better boundaries and then they ultimately put it behind them and devolve back into the same idiotic toxic patterns that they have been circling the drain with forever. Right now we are in the middle of by far their biggest fight ever and I actually think this one might stick. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it looks like we are going on a serious Typhoon Mary diet (i.e., see you at the holidays and major family events -- otherwise, it's just news, weather and sports).

There hasn't been any contact between the two in a week. My wife blocked her phone for a couple of days a little over a week ago when all this started, and after she unblocked her they ended up meeting for lunch. That's when the shit hit the fan and Mary went completely ballistic when my wife "crossed the line," whatever the fuck that entails. In retaliation and because she is completely unoriginal, Mary then blocked my wife back. We aren't sure if she has unblocked her yet because my wife isn't calling or texting anyway and everything has gone completely radio silent. My wife is saying things that she never has before in such extremes that I actually believe her. The MIL is attempting to work the back channels, but my wife isn't having any of it. I remain skeptical but hopeful. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

 

  • Like 3

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