Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Kennythetiger 9463]

I think you'd like Deadwood.  

[Goofyboy 3296]

I think you'd like Deadwood.  

Why would he want to relive his 20’s?

[MNLonghornFUKM 8821]

Especially helpful when the screen is pitch black for an entire episode.

Probably just saved him a post in this thread

 

"Wiki didnt say anything about this episode being pitch black"

 

[elfenix 34332]

Y'all need better TVs.

[Upgrayedd 5821]

Quick background; wrong-way drivers on freeways have been an issue as of late in the Phoenix metro area.  They are usually drunk and obviously fucking idiots.  Gets a lot of press as you may imagine.  Most of the incidents happen in the early morning hours.

Driving home from a show last night at around 11:30 PM.  Driving in the #2 lane . . . 

GF:  Better watch out for wrong-way drivers.

Me: On it.

GF:  They usually drive in the lanes closest to the median.  Maybe move over.

Me:  I'm not driving in the slow lane to avoid the potential for a wrong-way driver.

GF:  Well if we get killed, you know what I am going to say to you, don't you?

Me:  I don't think we are going to the same place.

GF: ???????

[Beau Vine 54432]

17 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

Quick background; wrong-way drivers on freeways have been an issue as of late in the Phoenix metro area.  They are usually drunk and obviously fucking idiots.  Gets a lot of press as you may imagine.  Most of the incidents happen in the early morning hours.

 

San Antonio moved to Phoenix?

[mulletpelini 5216]

2 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Quick background; wrong-way drivers on freeways have been an issue as of late in the Phoenix metro area.  They are usually drunk and obviously fucking idiots.  Gets a lot of press as you may imagine.  Most of the incidents happen in the early morning hours.

Driving home from a show last night at around 11:30 PM.  Driving in the #2 lane . . . 

GF:  Better watch out for wrong-way drivers.

Me: On it.

GF:  They usually drive in the lanes closest to the median.  Maybe move over.

Me:  I'm not driving in the slow lane to avoid the potential for a wrong-way driver.

GF:  Well if we get killed, you know what I am going to say to you, don't you?

Me:  I don't think we are going to the same place.

GF: ???????

[Pato del Muerto 52602]

[Sandman 3412]

On 8/14/2019 at 9:44 PM, Modessit said:

On 8/14/2019 at 8:22 PM, hundredTT said:

Finally convinced the lady to watch Game of Thrones. We both thought it was dumb first few episodes, then got hooked. I’m all excited to start the later episodes in season one and see her reading wiki on her phone about the show. I knew what she was doing but it was too late. She wiki’d the entire ending and all the spoilers. She did this shit with Breaking Bad. I’m like what’s the damn point of watching the show now?? She says she still wants to watch even though she knows every fucking thing that will happen. 🤦‍♂️

I have a friend who does that before going to the theater to see a movie. I'll ask him if he's want to see (whatever) and he said he already read the Wiki plot and knows how it ends. I told him he was a dumbass.

Anytime my wife and I watch a whodunnit or a movie that hints about having a twist near the end, my wife starts about 5 mins in with "I think THAT guy is the killer!". Then she'll hedge her bet later on by adding that these other 2-3 people could also be the killer. Then at the end, when she is proven wrong, she'll say that she was "just about to say that it was him!". 

[mulletpelini 5216]

and that wifes name is Ophelia

[Dennis Taylor 18871]

10 hours ago, Sandman said:

Anytime my wife and I watch a whodunnit or a movie that hints about having a twist near the end, my wife starts about 5 mins in with "I think THAT guy is the killer!". Then she'll hedge her bet later on by adding that these other 2-3 people could also be the killer. Then at the end, when she is proven wrong, she'll say that she was "just about to say that it was him!". 

She has a future as an aggy recruiting expert

[MissingInAction 25187]

To my Surly brethren in Austin,

Please keep your pimp hand strong when it comes to the thermostat.

With the power concerns we dont need your ladies turning the shit down to 65 just  to be cold enough to use the comforter she bought at Pier 1 for 25% off yesterday with your credit card.

[mulletpelini 5216]

But she's just turning it down to 65 to get it down to 75 faster

[tbone_ 14162]

To my Surly brethren in Austin,
Please keep your pimp hand strong when it comes to the thermostat.
With the power concerns we dont need your ladies turning the shit down to 65 just  to be cold enough to use the down comforter she bought at Pier 1 for 25% off yesterday with your credit card.

[Brisketexan 105340]

 

Motherfucker...I posted while laying on top of our down comforter, which is on the bed year round.

 

Also...my wife is fucking trying to kill me by driving me mad. We’re taking our daughter to college in Canada tomorrow. Getting a student visa is a hassle, so I’ve been a pain about getting all the documents together, but she’s begrudgingly gotten on board. So tonight, as we’re wrapping things up, I remind her to get her passport and the boy’s out of our fire safe.

She can’t find hers. She looked. It’s not in there, can’t imagine where it would be. We look all over the house. In all the bags that went to Europe two months ago. Spend an hour doing this. Can’t find it. She and the girl leave tomorrow. Not sure how we’re gonna pull this off. FML.

The girl looks in the fire safe again. “Found it!”

That was a fucking delightful - and pointless - hour.

 

[tbone_ 14162]

Passports are your responsibility. Like cars.

It just is.

[DCA_HORN 725]

Passports are your responsibility. Like cars.

It just is.

Yep. Absolutely. Learned this early on.

[Brisketexan 105340]

Passports are your responsibility. Like cars.

It just is.

When we travel, they are. But we keep them in the fire safe, which she handles. May need to change that.

[Brisketexan 105340]

Oh for fuck’s sake. And now I just spent 20 mins trying every GFCI outlet reset in the house because she blew a seldom-used outlet. She tried all the resets in the craft room/closet, so I worked every other room....until she went BACK to that room and tried it again. She just hadn’t pushed the button right.
Seeing a pattern for the evening? You know what’s also awesome? If she says she did something, and I go back over to check, I’m an asshole because I don’t think she can do it - I’m “mansplaining” because I look down on her and don’t think she can solve problems on her own.
Which is why I’ve spent half my evening trying to find shit she’d already looked right past.
I’m going to have a whiskey now.

[Trey3216 15356]

4 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Oh for fuck’s sake. And now I just spent 20 mins trying every GFCI outlet reset in the house because she blew a seldom-used outlet. She tried all the resets in the craft room/closet, so I worked every other room....until she went BACK to that room and tried it again. She just hadn’t pushed the button right.
Seeing a pattern for the evening? You know what’s also awesome? If she says she did something, and I go back over to check, I’m an asshole because I don’t think she can do it - I’m “mansplaining” because I look down on her and don’t think she can solve problems on her own.
Which is why I’ve spent half my evening trying to find shit she’d already looked right past.
I’m going to have a whiskey now.

Whiskey is always a well sourced remedy for the shenanery of a female 

[TrashMaster G 17600]

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Motherfucker...I posted while laying on top of our down comforter, which is on the bed year round.

 

Also...my wife is fucking trying to kill me by driving me mad. We’re taking our daughter to college in Canada tomorrow. Getting a student visa is a hassle, so I’ve been a pain about getting all the documents together, but she’s begrudgingly gotten on board. So tonight, as we’re wrapping things up, I remind her to get her passport and the boy’s out of our fire safe.

She can’t find hers. She looked. It’s not in there, can’t imagine where it would be. We look all over the house. In all the bags that went to Europe two months ago. Spend an hour doing this. Can’t find it. She and the girl leave tomorrow. Not sure how we’re gonna pull this off. FML.

The girl looks in the fire safe again. “Found it!”

That was a fucking delightful - and pointless - hour.

 

Can I get your daughter's contact info?  I've always wanted a Canadian girlfriend. 

[SilasCoade 2622]

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Motherfucker...I posted while laying on top of our down comforter, which is on the bed year round.

 

Also...my wife is fucking trying to kill me by driving me mad. We’re taking our daughter to college in Canada tomorrow. Getting a student visa is a hassle, so I’ve been a pain about getting all the documents together, but she’s begrudgingly gotten on board. So tonight, as we’re wrapping things up, I remind her to get her passport and the boy’s out of our fire safe.

She can’t find hers. She looked. It’s not in there, can’t imagine where it would be. We look all over the house. In all the bags that went to Europe two months ago. Spend an hour doing this. Can’t find it. She and the girl leave tomorrow. Not sure how we’re gonna pull this off. FML.

The girl looks in the fire safe again. “Found it!”

That was a fucking delightful - and pointless - hour.

 

dx: compound humblebrag

[mulletpelini 5216]

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

[SHOOTER12 8828]

10 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

To my Surly brethren in Austin,

Please keep your pimp hand strong when it comes to the thermostat.

With the power concerns we dont need your ladies turning the shit down to 65 just  to be cold enough to use the comforter she bought at Pier 1 for 25% off yesterday with your credit card.

We come from a mirrored universe.

I keep my pimp hand strong because after spending 10-14 hours in 100 degrees heat I come home and the thermostat is set at 76' or warmer.

Power concerns be damned.  It was written in stone nearly 30 years ago that the world would end if I came home and could not be cool and comfortable after spending all day in the freaking heat  -70 or bust.

[HenryJames 66171]

6 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

She just hadn’t pushed the button right.

Oh she’s pushing someone’s buttons right.

[deadshank 24653]

3 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

Definitely something fishy going on.  She must have run down her Puerto Rican boyfriend and now she's washing the blood off the car and doing it away from prying eyes.  

I'd keep her in front of me and at a safe distance. 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4977]

8 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

When we travel, they are. But we keep them in the fire safe, which she handles. May need to change that.

Passports should be kept in the gun safe, which should also be sufficiently fire resistant. And strangely enough it has plenty of room for that after that tragic beating accident.

[drifter379 1106]

We come from a mirrored universe.
I keep my pimp hand strong because after spending 10-14 hours in 100 degrees heat I come home and the thermostat is set at 76' or warmer.
Power concerns be damned.  It was written in stone nearly 30 years ago that the world would end if I came home and could not be cool and comfortable after spending all day in the freaking heat  -70 or bust.

Motherfucking this !

If I sweat in my own house there is going to be a problem. When I’m on my way home she turns the ac down to 68.

[SHOOTER12 8828]

1 hour ago, drifter379 said:

Motherfucking this !

If I sweat in my own house there is going to be a problem. When I’m on my way home she turns the ac down to 68.

Brother by a different mother...

[Dennis Taylor 18871]

5 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

the fuck is a basement?

[ChickenSandwich 9853]

7 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

the fuck is a basement?

[BHMCruiser 1818]

6 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

She is washing all the semen off

[Longhornfan1024 1707]

8 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

Have you ever heard of dogging?

[luke duke 6414]

I’m going to have a whiskey now.

Only one?

[Brisketexan 105340]

1 minute ago, luke duke said:

Only one?

It was a big one.  I'm still pissed off thinking about it.

[ABSR 5324]

14 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Oh for fuck’s sake. And now I just spent 20 mins trying every GFCI outlet reset in the house because she blew a seldom-used outlet. She tried all the resets in the craft room/closet, so I worked every other room....until she went BACK to that room and tried it again. She just hadn’t pushed the button right.
Seeing a pattern for the evening? You know what’s also awesome? If she says she did something, and I go back over to check, I’m an asshole because I don’t think she can do it - I’m “mansplaining” because I look down on her and don’t think she can solve problems on her own.
Which is why I’ve spent half my evening trying to find shit she’d already looked right past.
I’m going to have a whiskey now.

Did you check the GFCI in the fire safe?

[Trey3216 15356]

2 minutes ago, ABSR said:

Did you check the GFCI in the fire safe?

Is that on the screen door side?

[bluto 4942]

A spiral stair case in front of that one outlet should do the trick

[davidg 4038]

15 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

When we travel, they are. But we keep them in the fire safe, which she handles. May need to change that.

Put them in your firearm safe, which only you should handle

[Pato del Muerto 52602]

Not sure if trivial, or if my fault for not buying the item that makes this impossible, but when she uses the garden hose, she puts it back by dropping the nozzle and piling the hose on top, creating knots. 

[Flg8rfan 201]

Not sure if trivial, or if my fault for not buying the item that makes this impossible, but when she uses the garden hose, she puts it back by dropping the nozzle and piling the hose on top, creating knots. 

We did yard work Sunday, she did this, then threw weeds that she pulled all over the tangles. I was not happy and let it be known

[mulletpelini 5216]

I showed her how to hose spiral a few times.  She just won't touch the hose anymore.  Uses a water can instead.  Winnerwinnersheendinner

[Trey3216 15356]

24 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

She just won't touch the hose anymore.  

Tell us something we didn’t already know 

[mulletpelini 5216]

I never said I wasn't married.

[GottaB 595]

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.
Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.
So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

She’s hiding something alright.

[williemackgarza 1826]

She’s hiding something alright.

[mulletpelini 5216]

ah, so you're saying she's fucking general grievous

[Armybrat 40912]

Vulva on the Volvo.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

12 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

ah, so you're saying she's fucking general grievous

She'll make a fine addition to his collection

[KYHorn 17163]

My wife was just reading news articles and turned to me and asked "What's wonton endangerment?" After laughing uncontrollably for a couple minutes, I managed a straight face and said "it's these damn tariffs, they're causing a shortage of Chinese food."