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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Enchubben

Enchubben 5573

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Wife wanted to make sure her glasses were clean since the last time she wore them she was sick with some sort of virus.

She decided the best method to accomplish this was to put them in the microwave in one of our bottle sanitizing bags.  Obviously they came out half melted and deformed.  

Obviously she missed the common sense course at Texas State.

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Modessit

Modessit 5625

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Wife wanted to make sure her glasses were clean since the last time she wore them she was sick with some sort of virus.
She decided the best method to accomplish this was to put them in the microwave in one of our bottle sanitizing bags.  Obviously they came out half melted and deformed.  
Obviously she missed the common sense course at Texas State.
My sister tried this when we were teenagers. She had super-glued something that broke and thought it would dry faster if it was heated. Melted the frames and stunk like hell.

And no - you don't want to see a pic of my sister. Seriously. Even Vic doesn't want to see a pic of my sister.
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Sandman

Sandman 3421

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Posted

I was talking to a buddy on the phone back in high school, he was trying to make a hot fudge sunday and he was bitching because the fudge was too hard from being in the fridge. I said, "Duh, microwave it".  Then he complained because his ice cream melted. Dumbass had already put the fudge on his ice cream, then he microwaved it.

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Celery Man

Celery Man 21038

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"Do we have any new baking soda?"
"Uh, I think we actually do, but there should be an open box.  I mean, a new one is 37 cents though."
"It's just annoying to have to replace it all the time to keep it fresh.  We should keep it in the fridge."
"I think we also have a box in the fridge.  But wait, don't use the one in the fridge..."
"I just read you're supposed to replace baking soda periodically"
"Yeah, the one in the fridge.  You're not using the one in the fridge, are you?"
"It's only good for like 24 hours after opening it."
"The one in the fridge is to absorb fridge funk.  Don't use that, unless you want to infuse your cookies with fridge funk."
"We should keep this sealed" (holding cardboard box from the pantry with the flap not shoved back into the flaphole)
"Wait, 24 hours?  It's baking soda, that's cardboard..." *noticing she's getting impatient* "uh, ok.  don't use the one from the fridge."

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, GottaB said:

Where is the wife in that story

Could be the one with the fudge that wasn't gooey enough. Hell, I don't know, the whole damn world has gotten too complicated for me. Fudge Sunday should be a celebration though. One where the old lady gives up the pooper.

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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14308

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It's not even 1pm and I'm fucking over Mother's Day. Took her out for breakfast, gave her flowers and a mother's day basket with the girl. Offered to buy her a pedicure - but she declined. She's been pissy all day because the dog woke her up early this morning and apparently that's my fault. 

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Hanrahan

Hanrahan 1306

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It's not even 1pm and I'm fucking over Mother's Day. Took her out for breakfast, gave her flowers and a mother's day basket with the girl. Offered to buy her a pedicure - but she declined. She's been pissy all day because the dog woke her up early this morning and apparently that's my fault. 


Sounds like you picked a winner.
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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14308

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

It's not even 1pm and I'm fucking over Mother's Day. Took her out for breakfast, gave her flowers and a mother's day basket with the girl. Offered to buy her a pedicure - but she declined. She's been pissy all day because the dog woke her up early this morning and apparently that's my fault. 

Fed her some mimosas and the rest of the day was a win. Once again alcohol solves all my problems. 

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11092

Posted
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On 5/13/2018 at 10:00 AM, Sandman said:

I was talking to a buddy on the phone back in high school, he was trying to make a hot fudge sunday and he was bitching because the fudge was too hard from being in the fridge. I said, "Duh, microwave it".  Then he complained because his ice cream melted. Dumbass had already put the fudge on his ice cream, then he microwaved it.

Lay off the Ambien bro.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17803

Posted
Posted
On 5/13/2018 at 10:00 AM, Sandman said:

I was talking to a buddy on the phone back in high school, he was trying to make a hot fudge sunday and he was bitching because the fudge was too hard from being in the fridge. I said, "Duh, microwave it".  Then he complained because his ice cream melted. Dumbass had already put the fudge on his ice cream, then he microwaved it.

Was "hot fudge sunday" a special weekly event with your "buddy"?

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8860

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Posted
23 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I threw my used-up deodorant container in the bathroom trash.   A couple hours later I see my wife carrying it downstairs and I’m like WTF?  She’s trying to recycle it.   I made her put on her reading glasses and look at the bottom of it.  Not recyclable. For a reason. 

Thank God she hadn't cleaned her reading glasses in the microwave yet.

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SilasCoade

SilasCoade 2622

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, bolverk said:

Yeah, like a husband could get away with eating ice cream around a lactose intolerant wife. The fucker would never hear the end of it.

"It's not fair. Why don't you support me?!?"

Haven't heard it in 14 years. Before the kids could reach the freezer I never worried about finding a surprise ice cream scarcity.

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kmac30

kmac30 416

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Posted

Wife just pulled the golf cart in the garage in front of my car (had to go around my car). Cut it too close and now I have a large new scratch on my left front bumper.

“I thought if your front made it by you were good”

Followed by
“I’ll get it out with a magic eraser tomorrow”

It’s not coming out with a magic eraser. It’s gouged in.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5216

Posted
Posted
On 4/25/2018 at 8:12 AM, JimmyHoffa said:
1 hour ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

I’m about to by the wife a new car and this is my fear.
She’s dinged and scratched the crap out of her current ride.

That'a always one of my favorites....if you pull into a garage, all you have to do is allow the car to back out the same way, ie, don't be turning the fucking wheel while you're still inside in the fucking garage

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17803

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, kmac30 said:

Wife just pulled the golf cart in the garage in front of my car (had to go around my car). Cut it too close and now I have a large new scratch on my left front bumper.

“I thought if your front made it by you were good”

Followed by
“I’ll get it out with a magic eraser tomorrow”

It’s not coming out with a magic eraser. It’s gouged in.

Nice humble brag.

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kmac30

kmac30 416

Posted
Posted
Nice humble brag.

Because I have a golfcart? Used are cheap. Maybe if I said she hit my AMG Benz, but she hit my 12yr old Tahoe. And I live in Conroe.

Humble brag is going on in the property tax thread and I’m not in there.
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686

686 3457

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

I’m about to by the wife a new car and this is my fear.
She’s dinged and scratched the crap out of her current ride.

I always go lightly used 2-3 years old cars for the wife, because since she's going to scratch/ding it constantly and thrash the interior, I might as well start off by letting someone else take about $10K of depreciation.

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936horn

936horn 942

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, Spur08 said:

Bought the wife a brand nee car 2 weeks ago. I heard a loud noise while working from home when she pulled it in the garage.

efde7b269ab72adc78c8eacc6b9b46c0.jpg

Nice one, but I see you and raise you this -

Wife is in her brand new SUV (I mean it's like 2 months old when this happens). I had pulled in from work and my car was sitting (running) in the driveway - lined up DIRECTLY in line with where I pull into the garage. I got out to roll a trashcan in as she is pulling out for a nail appointment or some shit and she manages to back her NEW car into our OTHER car. Put a nice scratch on her car and a nice dent and scratch in mine. Gotta love family car on family car accidents.

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4455

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Posted

Wife takes the day off from work. We're going out tonight for Mother's Day (had other stuff going on on Sunday) - We're going to this Italian place she likes. That also has a great happy hour that last until 7. I get off at 6. Figured we could get there at about 6:30 have a drink or two on happy hour before dinner.

 

She's running late, doesn't think she'll be ready by 6:30...........

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 55069

Posted
Posted

We really need a "crazy celeb wives and the stupid shit they do," but Imma put this here for now:

0515-krista-glover-mug-1.jpg

 

Quote

PGA Tour player Lucas Glover was attacked by his wife during the Players Championship, according to police reports. Following the tournament's third round, Krista Glover was arrested and charged with domestic battery and resisting arrest.

Police arrived to a residence rented by the Glovers on Saturday night due to a disturbance 911 call. A document from the St. Johns County Sheriff's department states Lucas was berated by his wife for his poor play (he shot a third-round 78 for a MDF—made cut, did not finish). In the report. Lucas told deputies "when he plays a bad round of golf, Krista proceeds to start an altercation with him and telling him how he is a loser and a p***y, how he needs to fire everyone, and how he'd better win or her and the kids would leave him and he would never see the kids again."

The police report said Lucas was tired of these altercations, but simultaneously tried to dissuade officials from arresting Krista.

Police noted multiple lacerations to both Lucas and his 62-year-old mother, who had blood on her shirt and said she was hit in the chest. Krista told police she had been attacked by Lucas' mother, but police reported no visible injuries.

Police officials noted in the report that Krista resisted them, refusing to get in the squad car by "blocking herself from sitting down." She reportedly attempted to wrap her legs around the car door, but deputies were able to push her in. Krista reportedly damaged the inside of the vehicle by kicking the door.

During the transportation process, the report states Krista's handcuffs were loosened and she attempted to flea. Two lawmen were able to re-handcuff her.

The report also states Krista berated the police, using threatening language.

Lucas informed officers that Krista had been drinking. The altercation allegedly occurred in front of their children.

On Tuesday afternoon, Lucas posted the following message on Twitter: "On May 12, my wife and mother were involved in an argument to which the police were called. Everyone is fine. Regrettably, although Krista was charged, we are comfortable that the judicial system is able to address what actually happened and Krista will be cleared in this private matter. We thank you for respecting our privacy as we work through this unfortunate situation."

Glover, who won the 2009 U.S. Open, married Krista in 2012. Glover is not in this week's AT&T Byron Nelson field.

 

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