Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[ABSR 5,327]

5 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

(ps - this morning's random number generator complaint was that the dog, who sleeps in the laundry room at night, prevented her from washing her bras as planned.)

Was the dog using the washing machine?   I mean, if he is going to run a load of laundry he should tell you all so you can add stuff too.  That is just common decency.

[Armybrat 40,942]

19 minutes ago, ABSR said:

Was the dog using the washing machine?   I mean, if he is going to run a load of laundry he should tell you all so you can add stuff too.  That is just common decency.

Well, the wife can just go braless.

dog can post pics

[CycleTex87 2,991]

3 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Well, the wife can just go braless.

dog can post pics

Speaking of this subject, a lady (25-35 est.) was at the Home Depot yesterday in Katy, in a tube top and braless (sorry, no pics).  Blonde.  Attractive.  Asking for lots of help in the screw aisle.  Must have been cool in that aisle, but I didn't notice the temperature.  

[Armybrat 40,942]

I miss the late 1960s & 1970s. NBAA.

[MissingInAction 25,246]

NBAA is making a comeback. I was on a date the other night and there was a large party of women in their 20s at the restaraunt. When my date took a bathroom break I scoped the talent and not one of them had a bra on. Side bewb was well repped.

My date was probably a surly 8 but I wasnt thinking of her when I was balling her later that night.

 

[Trey3216 15,380]

3 hours ago, txhorns said:

The parade of homes is only for 1 night.  But now apparently we have to get a hotel room for that night because the event ends at 9  but my little kids have to be in bed by 8.  Fuck that shit.  I'm taking them to dinner and a movie and leaving the wife/mom at home.

Wait til they tell you you pretty much have to move out of your house (clothes, toys, etc) so it looks like a staged house instead of your house.  

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,835]

Wait til they tell you you pretty much have to move out of your house (clothes, toys, etc) so it looks like a staged house instead of your house.  

Those expenses are coming. They still have 3 months until the parade.

[Nivek 17,016]

From female coworker over skype:
Can you explain this?
Me: explain what?
That thing from yesterday?
Me: which thing?
That issue obviously.
Me: were it obvious I would know wtf you are talking about.
Tone

Tone doesn’t apply to co-workers. They don’t matter enough.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,310]

4 hours ago, ABSR said:

Was the dog using the washing machine?   I mean, if he is going to run a load of laundry he should tell you all so you can add stuff too.  That is just common decency.

The dog was sleeping - as she has every night in the laundry room for the past 11 years - but apparently that was my fault, ergo the bras still being dirty this morning were my fault, too. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,999]

You did it on purpose didn't you?  It's okay, you can admit that you just wanted to see your wife's tits bounce around all day.

[Pato del Muerto 52,680]

What is she doing that is getting her bras so dirty that she can’t wear one an extra day without complaining?

[miguelito 11,333]

the pool boy

 

and maybe the gardener

[ABSR 5,327]

1 hour ago, miguelito said:

the pool boy

 

and maybe the gardener

Not the husband....on that we can agree.

[General Specific 3,296]

Tone doesn’t apply to co-workers. They don’t matter enough.

Well, it is his “work wife”.

[WhatTheBuck 28,823]

7 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

From female coworker over skype:

Can you explain this?

Me: explain what?

That thing from yesterday?

Me: which thing?

That issue obviously.

Me: were it obvious I would know wtf you are talking about.

Tone

You still showed her your junk, though, right?

[MissingInAction 25,246]

19 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

You still showed her your junk, though, right?

If you're im my office, you see my junk. Everyone knows that. Especially your mom.

Edited September 17, 2019 by MissingInAction

[Thatguy 8,928]

14 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

The dog was sleeping - as she has every night in the laundry room for the past 11 years - but apparently that was my fault, ergo the bras still being dirty this morning were my fault, too. 

Who else's main reason for coming to this thread is to see how much worse Crimsonlonghorn has it than you do?

[crimsonlonghorn 2,310]

Well, if you need to live vicariously, that's cool. 

This morning we are getting new carpet upstairs so she is - thankfully and generously - taking it upon herself to clean out all of the closets and under all the furniture. Not a job I would want to do and I appreciate her hard work at it. She asked me to take out the trash that is accumulating and I'm happy to do it. 

All that being said, I am reminded that her idea of gathering trash is the "magic trash can" theory of small wastebaskets (MTCTSW), that so long as she creates a pile on top of or next to the trash can, her work is done and it will all just magically transport itself to the curb now that it's close to the wastebasket.

No, she can't be bothered to just get a bag first and put it all into a bag from the beginning... Or empty the wastebasket when its full to the top. So whoever is "taking out the trash" - whether it's me or the weekly cleaning lady - has to gather it all up again a second time and actually put it into the bag to go outside.

Don't you understand, the hard part was carrying it across the room and dropping it on top of the already full wastebasket? I don't see you helping pick up trash. 

Corollary #1 of the MTCTSW is that once all the loose trash piled around and on top of it is removed, the actual wastebasket itself is jammed full and compacted with old dry-cleaning bags and tissues and daily contact lens containers and Q-Tips. So it's not just going to poor easily into a trash bag. No, you have to stick your hand up in there and empty it all out. 

There is another theorem that I'm working one based on the MTCTSW, and that one has to do with dumping dozens of magazines all at once into the kitchen trash can, so many at once that the weight of the trash can is 2-3 times its usual weight and when you pull on the liner to take it outside - because you don't know it's crammed full of magazines - the liner tears on the sharp corners and you have an even bigger mess than if she had just taken them outside to begin with or even just stacked them on the floor next to the can. 

Why are you mad at her? She actually was doing all the work of gathering up the trash and all she asked you to do is take it outside. She's sorry that's too big a job for you. Next time she just won't bother shopping for new carpet and we can all live in filth until the house burns down. 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,979]

19 hours ago, ABSR said:

Was the dog using the washing machine?   I mean, if he is going to run a load of laundry he should tell you all so you can add stuff too.  That is just common decency.

Obviously...

[Frank The Tank 1,499]

36 minutes ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Why are you mad at her? She actually was doing all the work of gathering up the trash and all she asked you to do is take it outside. She's sorry that's too big a job for you. Next time she just won't bother shopping for new carpet and we can all live in filth until the house burns down. 

The entire post was pretty solid, but the hard left at the end of this paragraph was particularly great. 

[miguelito 11,333]

She called to see if I wanted to meet for lunch, and asked where I wanted to go.

I said, how about A?

No.

B.

No.

C.

No.

D.

No.

E.

OK, if that's where you want to go.

[General Specific 3,296]

Well, if you need to live vicariously, that's cool. 
This morning we are getting new carpet upstairs so she is - thankfully and generously - taking it upon herself to clean out all of the closets and under all the furniture. Not a job I would want to do and I appreciate her hard work at it. She asked me to take out the trash that is accumulating and I'm happy to do it. 
All that being said, I am reminded that her idea of gathering trash is the "magic trash can" theory of small wastebaskets (MTCTSW), that so long as she creates a pile on top of or next to the trash can, her work is done and it will all just magically transport itself to the curb now that it's close to the wastebasket.
No, she can't be bothered to just get a bag first and put it all into a bag from the beginning... Or empty the wastebasket when its full to the top. So whoever is "taking out the trash" - whether it's me or the weekly cleaning lady - has to gather it all up again a second time and actually put it into the bag to go outside.
Don't you understand, the hard part was carrying it across the room and dropping it on top of the already full wastebasket? I don't see you helping pick up trash. 
Corollary #1 of the MTCTSW is that once all the loose trash piled around and on top of it is removed, the actual wastebasket itself is jammed full and compacted with old dry-cleaning bags and tissues and daily contact lens containers and Q-Tips. So it's not just going to poor easily into a trash bag. No, you have to stick your hand up in there and empty it all out. 
There is another theorem that I'm working one based on the MTCTSW, and that one has to do with dumping dozens of magazines all at once into the kitchen trash can, so many at once that the weight of the trash can is 2-3 times its usual weight and when you pull on the liner to take it outside - because you don't know it's crammed full of magazines - the liner tears on the sharp corners and you have an even bigger mess than if she had just taken them outside to begin with or even just stacked them on the floor next to the can. 
Why are you mad at her? She actually was doing all the work of gathering up the trash and all she asked you to do is take it outside. She's sorry that's too big a job for you. Next time she just won't bother shopping for new carpet and we can all live in filth until the house burns down. 

She must be hot and the bestest at all the right things (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Otherwise I will have to admit, Id be up on murder charges...

[Stuck in CO 47]

For my first post on Surly, I have two entries that happened this week.

Last week, she flew to Orlando for a conference and was gone Tuesday-Friday.  Her plane landed in Denver Friday around 5:30 and I texted her a bit later asking if she wanted us to wait on her for dinner or if I should feed the kids.  Figured she should be back down to the Springs by 7:30.  Got a text back from her around 6:30 that said "Don't wait, I can't find my car".  She had forgotten where she parked and had to call the emergency service in the lot to come help her...she was about 6 rows away.

Then I was watching football over the weekend and she came down to watch for a bit.  Commercial for the new Will Smith movie "Gemini Man" came on.  "They really found someone that looks exactly like Will Smith".  Had to explain that he plays both parts.

[tbone_ 14,215]

Welcome, but idk man, that’s not the most egregious shit I’ve heard of.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,310]

I thought both were in the spirit of this thread.

[Armybrat 40,942]

I thought both vignettes were pretty good, except no pics of wife.

[deadshank 24,653]

7 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

I thought both vignettes were pretty good, except no pics of wife.

Vignettes?  AB is obviously and educated man.  

[Armybrat 40,942]

Well, it finally took after the second year of my freshman matriculation.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,310]

I gotta say, the new carpet is NICE. Ms CL did a good job picking it out. It's like it's a new house again. 

And if I catch either of my two shithead preteen boys eating anything outside of the kitchen Ms CL and I will be back to being DINKs again. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,999]

The real question about your wife’s carpet is whether it matches the drapes or not

[Armybrat 40,942]

And the bedspread.

[General Specific 3,296]

Dam it men. It’s hard to maintain a civil society if no one follows the rules.

Human Sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria...

[Brothahorn 10,087]

Eh I overlooked the well part. Thanks for helping me with your cuntyness though.

Damn city slickers

[Brothahorn 10,087]

Another.

So we built our house 5 years ago. We are in NE texas so very inexpensive on a larger home. I'm not an engineer but I was really involved on a lot of things including the HVAC system, tankless heaters, audio, etc. I did two AC units with 3 zones each. So, 6 separate thermostats. One is in what I call the mother in law room. It is a bedroom for guests, but typically my smother in law. It has it's own thermostat. It is off the kitchen and NEVER EVER USED unless they are here.

Tonight I walk in there, and the thermostat is at 74 and I lose my shit. That thermostat is ONLY for that room by design when I helped with the HVAC guys. It should be set at 90 when nobody is staying.

She says she lowered it because sometimes she goes to the bathroom in there because it is near the kitchen.

No words.

What is it with women and their extra bathroom habits? My wife will go out of her way to use the guest bathroom. Trying to hide the fact that her shit stinks.

[Brothahorn 10,087]

With a 95% confidence interval, it was either their Mother, Sister, or very best friend, and they talk to the same one every day.  And every day it's about the same shit.  

Wife will sometimes call on the way home and tell me about her whole day. Shit that she could tell me when she gets home in 20 minutes.

Of course, she then gets home and tells me the same shit.

[Thatguy 8,928]

4 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Well, it finally took after the second year of my freshman matriculation.

[thunderlounge 7,985]

On 9/15/2019 at 9:06 AM, crimsonlonghorn said:

I wish I could see the random number generator that she uses to decide what arbitrary and long-ago discussed thing to blindside me with on a Sunday morning.

"Fixing the drainage in my vegetable garden" hasn't been discussed in at least two months but this morning she decided that today was the day that she needed to be mad at me about it. 

 

Your pain. I feel it.

 

[WhatTheBuck 28,823]

10 hours ago, Brothahorn said:

What is it with women and their extra bathroom habits? My wife will go out of her way to use the guest bathroom. Trying to hide the fact that her shit stinks.

 

You say that like it's a bad thing. 

[Kennythetiger 9,490]

11 hours ago, Brothahorn said:

 

What is it with women and their extra bathroom habits? My wife will go out of her way to use the guest bathroom. Trying to hide the fact that her shit stinks.

 

I don't know, I use the basement shitter all the time.  Also a fan of the the hotel lobby shitter, and especially the pool room shitter (usually always clean as a whistle) when traveling.  I know my shit stinks, in fact I revel in my farts, but there's no need to subject her to the same.  Also increases the likelihood of hotel sex.

[Anastasis 23,473]

Smoking some pastrami today.

A: Hey, will you pick up some swiss and deli mustard at the store.  And if you want me to throw on some ribs while the pit is fired up, grab some.

Mrs. A: What is Deli Mustard?

A: What the fuck?

Mrs. A: I didn't know that they had mustard in the deli.

*A leaves kitchen shaking head*

Mrs. A: What?

[Trey3216 15,380]

14 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

I don't know, I use the basement shitter all the time.  Also a fan of the the hotel lobby shitter, and especially the pool room shitter (usually always clean as a whistle) when traveling.  I know my shit stinks, in fact I revel in my farts, but there's no need to subject her to the same.  Also increases the likelihood of hotel sex.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,310]

My dream home design has separate his and her shitters in the master bathroom. I want my private potty as a sign of wealth. Tired of being a poor. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

36 minutes ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

My dream home design has separate his and her shitters in the master bathroom. I want my private potty as a sign of wealth. Tired of being a poor. 

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

1 hour ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

My dream home design has separate his and her shitters in the master bathroom. I want my private potty as a sign of wealth. Tired of being a poor. 

Don't forget the urinal as well

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3,868]

On 9/15/2019 at 10:06 AM, crimsonlonghorn said:

I wish I could see the random number generator that she uses to decide what arbitrary and long-ago discussed thing to blindside me with on a Sunday morning.

"Fixing the drainage in my vegetable garden" hasn't been discussed in at least two months but this morning she decided that today was the day that she needed to be mad at me about it. 

She let you know it was bugging her two months ago and you didn't fix yet?  That one is on you.

[BHMCruiser 1,818]

13 hours ago, Brothahorn said:

 

Wife will sometimes call on the way home and tell me about her whole day. Shit that she could tell me when she gets home in 20 minutes.

Of course, she then gets home and tells me the same shit.

 

Why do you answer the phone? I never have conversations on the phone with my wife. I say "what's up?" and, if she starts to just talk, I cut her off and say "sorry but I've got to get this done, let's talk later." But usually I just don't answer. 

[crimsonlonghorn 2,310]

7 minutes ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

She let you know it was bugging her two months ago and you didn't fix yet?  That one is on you.

Not something I can fix personally. It's a long term process that requires contractors and several steps that we have been working on for those two months. Her vegetable "garden" is an entire acre in size and is part of an even bigger property with poor drainage. She and I have discussed how big a job it is and all of the steps required - her deciding it was an issue NOW isn't consistent with those discussions. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,999]

Well if you take that tone with her no wonder she's pissed

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,835]

My dream home design has separate his and her shitters in the master bathroom. I want my private potty as a sign of wealth. Tired of being a poor. 

Thatd be a sign of wealth...ive been through many million dollar homes on the parade and i dont recall ever seeing that

[SHOOTER12 8,840]

17 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Well, it finally took after the second year of my freshman matriculation.

Matriculation???  You sure that's the word you're looking for?