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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9464

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Not something I can fix personally. It's a long term process that requires contractors and several steps that we have been working on for those two months. Her vegetable "garden" is an entire acre in size and is part of an even bigger property with poor drainage. She and I have discussed how big a job it is and all of the steps required - her deciding it was an issue NOW isn't consistent with those discussions. 

MarkStanko's wife can teach her how to properly irrigate said garden with poor drainage.  

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9464

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

Why do you answer the phone? I never have conversations on the phone with my wife. I say "what's up?" and, if she starts to just talk, I cut her off and say "sorry but I've got to get this done, let's talk later." But usually I just don't answer. 

God, I love text messaging.  

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ShaggyBevo RIP

ShaggyBevo RIP 3868

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Not something I can fix personally. It's a long term process that requires contractors and several steps that we have been working on for those two months. Her vegetable "garden" is an entire acre in size and is part of an even bigger property with poor drainage. She and I have discussed how big a job it is and all of the steps required - her deciding it was an issue NOW isn't consistent with those discussions. 

Did you forget she is female?

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Thatguy

Thatguy 8870

Posted
Posted
On 9/17/2019 at 8:55 PM, Brothahorn said:

 


What is it with women and their extra bathroom habits? My wife will go out of her way to use the guest bathroom. Trying to hide the fact that her shit stinks.

  Speaking of guest bedrooms. We have a guest bedroom specifically for the mom and dad in law. It has a nautical theme with pure white sheets and a duvet cover. My wife washes it all. makes the bed, and then closes the door. No one even goes in the room at all. Then when the parents in law come a few weeks later she pulls over the bedding off and washes it......

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5216

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:
15 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:
My dream home design has separate his and her shitters in the master bathroom. I want my private potty as a sign of wealth. Tired of being a poor. 

ive been through many million dollar homes on the parade and i dont recall ever seeing that

Oh so you're that guy

8 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

We painted a chest of drawers, and the wife is trying to put the drawers back in so she can fill them with junk...

spacer.png

all your drawers are belong to us

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54432

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Wife was toddling around the house last weekend looking for things to do when I was trying to watch football.

Me: Why don't you hang up all these pictures that have been sitting on the couch since we moved in 5 months ago?

Her: OK, but I'm going to need some help.

Me: How?

Her: I'm going to need your opinion on where to hang them.

Me: Literally anywhere you hang them will be better than having them on the couch.  That's my opinion.  Hang them wherever you want.

So she hangs the pictures, and then she pulls out this iron thing that used to be on the wall in the old house.  Something like this:

Wrought-Iron-Wall-Decor-Ideas.jpg

Her:  Where do you think I should hang this?  [My sister-in-law] says it should be hung over a door...

Me: Then hang it over the door. You know damn she has a better eye for that stuff than I do.

Her: Well I just really want your opinion, because I was thinking about hanging it to the side of the door.  [Holds it up above the door] Does this look better [holds it up beside the door] than this?

Me: It definitely looks better above the door.

Her: Why?

Me: Because I think it does, and that's my fucking opinion, which is what you asked for. 

 

Later that afternoon, I find that thing hanging in the middle of the wall in the guest bedroom. 

 

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8822

Posted
Posted
Wife was toddling around the house last weekend looking for things to do when I was trying to watch football.
Me: Why don't you hang up all these pictures that have been sitting on the couch since we moved in 5 months ago?
Her: OK, but I'm going to need some help.
Me: How?
Her: I'm going to need your opinion on where to hang them.
Me: Literally anywhere you hang them will be better than having them on the couch.  That's my opinion.  Hang them wherever you want.
So she hangs the pictures, and then she pulls out this iron thing that used to be on the wall in the old house.  Something like this:
Wrought-Iron-Wall-Decor-Ideas.jpg
Her:  Where do you think I should hang this?  [My sister-in-law] says it should be hung over a door...
Me: Then hang it over the door. You know damn she has a better eye for that stuff than I do.
Her: Well I just really want your opinion, because I was thinking about hanging it to the side of the door.  [Holds it up above the door] Does this look better [holds it up beside the door] than this?
Me: It definitely looks better above the door.
Her: Why?
Me: Because I think it does, and that's my fucking opinion, which is what you asked for. 
 
Later that afternoon, I find that thing hanging in the middle of the wall in the guest bedroom. 
 
Hanging pictures with my wife is the worst. Im always the one awkwardly holding up the pic, she stands there and tells me it needs to be 1/64th of inch to the left


And then down 1/32nd of an inch


Ok take this pencil so you know where to put the nail.


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drifter379

drifter379 1106

Posted
Posted
Wife was toddling around the house last weekend looking for things to do when I was trying to watch football.
Me: Why don't you hang up all these pictures that have been sitting on the couch since we moved in 5 months ago?
Her: OK, but I'm going to need some help.
Me: How?
Her: I'm going to need your opinion on where to hang them.
Me: Literally anywhere you hang them will be better than having them on the couch.  That's my opinion.  Hang them wherever you want.
So she hangs the pictures, and then she pulls out this iron thing that used to be on the wall in the old house.  Something like this:
Wrought-Iron-Wall-Decor-Ideas.jpg
Her:  Where do you think I should hang this?  [My sister-in-law] says it should be hung over a door...
Me: Then hang it over the door. You know damn she has a better eye for that stuff than I do.
Her: Well I just really want your opinion, because I was thinking about hanging it to the side of the door.  [Holds it up above the door] Does this look better [holds it up beside the door] than this?
Me: It definitely looks better above the door.
Her: Why?
Me: Because I think it does, and that's my fucking opinion, which is what you asked for. 
 
Later that afternoon, I find that thing hanging in the middle of the wall in the guest bedroom. 
 

Armature. If you want it over the door you say “any where BUT over the door would be good. “
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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10087

Posted
Posted
Why do you answer the phone? I never have conversations on the phone with my wife. I say "what's up?" and, if she starts to just talk, I cut her off and say "sorry but I've got to get this done, let's talk later." But usually I just don't answer. 


Because when I get home, she whines for 29 minutes about why didn’t I answer? What if it was an emergency? How she can never depend on me in her time of need? And all she needed to tell me that she was getting a haircut.
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Buffsoldier

Buffsoldier 1895

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife was toddling around the house last weekend looking for things to do when I was trying to watch football.

Me: Why don't you hang up all these pictures that have been sitting on the couch since we moved in 5 months ago?

Her: OK, but I'm going to need some help.

Me: How?

Her: I'm going to need your opinion on where to hang them.

Me: Literally anywhere you hang them will be better than having them on the couch.  That's my opinion.  Hang them wherever you want.

So she hangs the pictures, and then she pulls out this iron thing that used to be on the wall in the old house.  Something like this:

Wrought-Iron-Wall-Decor-Ideas.jpg

Her:  Where do you think I should hang this?  [My sister-in-law] says it should be hung over a door...

Me: Then hang it over the door. You know damn she has a better eye for that stuff than I do.

Her: Well I just really want your opinion, because I was thinking about hanging it to the side of the door.  [Holds it up above the door] Does this look better [holds it up beside the door] than this?

Me: It definitely looks better above the door.

Her: Why?

Me: Because I think it does, and that's my fucking opinion, which is what you asked for. 

 

Later that afternoon, I find that thing hanging in the middle of the wall in the guest bedroom. 

 

You know damn good and well, or you ought to after 162 pages of this thread, that she doesn't give 2 shits about your opinion,  and she sure as hell doesn't want your opinion.  She wants to hear HER opinion.....coming from YOUR mouth. 

You fucked up, and wasted precious seconds of football watching time,  the moment you engaged in that conversation with her. 

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18578

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14 hours ago, Incredulity said:

 The decorative wrought iron piece in our house has moved 3 times in a year. Admittedly it could have moved a couple more times I didn’t notice. No Cumsteen.

Now wait just a gotdamn minute here. Is this like the wives thread corollary to "No Homo?" Can I please get some clarification on this? Does the 'No Cumsteen' refer to the wife, the useless crap itself, the overall house decor, or you? I honestly could see it in context for any of those.

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11683

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Now wait just a gotdamn minute here. Is this like the wives thread corollary to "No Homo?" Can I please get some clarification on this? Does the 'No Cumsteen' refer to the wife, the useless crap itself, the overall house decor, or you? I honestly could see it in context for any of those.

mostly.

They all have the sickness.  Your's is just another level.

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1819

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

@BHMCruiser is on to something profound. If you don’t want to deal with a wife, don’t get married. It’s brilliant in its simplicity. 

No, I am very tolerant of her, and she of me. But I don't want to waste my time on shit that is irritating so we have an understanding. It's reciprocal. 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40914

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, cactusflinthead said:

Qft 

We all have ridiculous crap at the house that the dear wife bought. But, I'm doubtful  any of us has had the egg or crab, much less a whole thread devoted to the spectacle. 

My wife buys different styles of cobalt blue wine glasses, I buy different kinds of guns.

We both think each other is wasting money, but neither of us gets riled up about it.

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cactusflinthead

cactusflinthead 27603

Posted
Posted

I can see a use for cobalt blue wine glasses. That fancy pitcher my mom has that's worth a thousand dollars will never be used for anything except to gather dust. We've all been told it is not to be sold in a garage sale for 5 bucks. I think we made her write down the pertinent information and put the note inside. Because none of us are going to remember what the hell makes that ugly ass pitcher special. 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40914

Posted
Posted (edited)

Wife has about 50 or 60 wine glasses, she only uses a total of 4 of them over several days. Her $10 wine glasses are pretty much worth $1 each at best, while my firearms hold at least 75% of their value.

But then again I don’t shoot my guns much and only carry two of them (alternately). So we are pretty even in our annoyance with each other.

Edited by Armybrat
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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18578

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Wife has about 50 or 60 wine glasses, she only uses a total of 4 of them over several days. Her $10 wine glasses are pretty much worth $1 each at best, while my firearms hold at least 75% of their value.

But then again I don’t shoot my guns much and only carry two of them (alternately). So we are pretty even in our annoyance with each other.

Problem solved: use the wine glasses for target practice. On second thought, maybe I should go buy some guns. 

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Walden Ponderer

Walden Ponderer 12639

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Posted
32 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

But then again I don’t shoot my guns much and only carry two of them (alternately). So we are pretty even in our annoyance with each other.

Drink all her wine before shooting, and then let's see what the relative annoyance levels are. Be sure to get video footage, though.

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4448

Posted
Posted

Wife comes home and changes. The comes out to the kitchen and is fiddling around for a few minutes while I'm reading in the living room (Open floor plan)

Wife : Dammit I can't find my phone again (this happens at least 3-4 a week)

Me (without looking up) : It's on the bed next to your work clothes that you just changed out of

She goes back to the room - comes back with phone

Wife : Does it annoy you that I misplace my phone all the time?

Me : No, what annoys me is that you couldn't put the clothes in hamper that's literally next to the bed......

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11683

Posted
Posted
36 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Wife comes home and changes. The comes out to the kitchen and is fiddling around for a few minutes while I'm reading in the living room (Open floor plan)

Wife : Dammit I can't find my phone again (this happens at least 3-4 a week)

Me (without looking up) : It's on the bed next to your work clothes that you just changed out of

She goes back to the room - comes back with phone

Wife : Does it annoy you that I misplace my phone all the time?

Me : No, what annoys me is that you couldn't put the clothes in hamper that's literally next to the bed......

You’re either sleeping on the couch or headed towards some wild ass monkey sex tonight.

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40914

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

In our area its basically model homes built by contractor's to either sell or get their name out. Losers like myself and my wife go tour 800K+homes to remind us how poor we are.

It kills a Saturday or sunday afternoon in May for us.

We used to do that, then they started charging admission to keep the riffraff out. So this riffraff quit going.

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After irth

After irth 1245

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

I don’t drink wine though. She doesn’t mind, ‘cause more for her.

I don’t drink Scotch either (nor does she, and I don’t know anyone who does), but bought a bottle of The Glenlivet 15 recently because it was on sale. Should I be posting in the dumb things husbands do thread?

Just cuz it was on sale?  No other reason drove you to that purchase?  

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1819

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

I don’t drink wine though. She doesn’t mind, ‘cause more for her.

I don’t drink Scotch either (nor does she, and I don’t know anyone who does), but bought a bottle of The Glenlivet 15 recently because it was on sale. Should I be posting in the dumb things husbands do thread?

You bought something you don't want and can't use because it was on sale?

 

The jokes write themselves.

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40914

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, After irth said:

Just cuz it was on sale?  No other reason drove you to that purchase?  

 

4 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

You bought something you don't want and can't use because it was on sale?

 

The jokes write themselves.

Yep, and yep.

I have known only two guys who drank Scotch. One lost most of his stomach to cancer (can’t drink anymore), and the other shot himself (definitely a non-drinker now).

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