Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Lone Star Horn 2018]

2 hours ago, Armybrat said:

 

Yep, and yep.

I have known only two guys who drank Scotch. One lost most of his stomach to cancer (can’t drink anymore), and the other shot himself (definitely a non-drinker now).

you could still pour one out for your homie

[Armybrat 40850]

That’s a good bullet point for the day.

7 hours ago, Lone Star Horn said:

you could still pour one out for your homie

 

[4th and 5 4914]

On 9/19/2019 at 3:47 PM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Hanging pictures with my wife is the worst. Im always the one awkwardly holding up the pic, she stands there and tells me it needs to be 1/64th of inch to the left


And then down 1/32nd of an inch


Ok take this pencil so you know where to put the nail.

 

 

It’s not about the nail.

 

Except when it’s about the nail.

[mulletpelini 5211]

On 9/20/2019 at 12:04 AM, Buffsoldier said:

You know damn good and well, or you ought to after 162 pages of this thread, that she doesn't give 2 shits about your opinion,  and she sure as hell doesn't want your opinion.  She wants to hear HER opinion.....coming from YOUR mouth. 

You fucked up, and wasted precious seconds of football watching time,  the moment you engaged in that conversation with her. 

and you should know after 162 pages that his opinion is absolutely important for her to make a decision to do exactly the opposite of what you think, probably derived from asking a complete stranger what their opinion is.

22 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Can someone please explain what the fuck the Parade of Homes is?

its a subtle way for her to show you what a loser you are for her not being able to live in a home like that.

[Armybrat 40850]

Well, Mrs. Brat liked to get interior decorating ideas for our own house, but I refused to allow her to suspend a canoe from the living room ceiling and put chrome hubcaps on the bathroom walls.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

Well, Mrs. Brat liked to get interior decorating ideas for our own house, but I refused to allow her to suspend a canoe from the living room ceiling and put chrome hubcaps on the bathroom walls.

Are you sure you're thinking about parade of homes and not the visit to Chili's after?

 

 

[PhillyD 1257]

11 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Are you sure you're thinking about parade of homes and not the visit to Chili's after?

 

 

You meant Chuy's

[Armybrat 40850]

Saw a Northwest Hills parade of homes McMansion that sported both of those trendy features, and the chrome hubcaps were hung on a rich purple wall. That was decades before the first Chuy’s opened.

Edited September 22, 2019 by Armybrat

[mulletpelini 5211]

I saw some old vintage cross country skis on a wall once, so this hits close to homes on parade

[tbone_ 14128]

The world could always use more chrome.

[Sam Lin 3559]

8 hours ago, PhillyD said:

You meant Chuy's

You mean Cumsteen's

[MissingInAction 25105]

13 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

You mean Cumsteen's

Wrong. Metal detector required.

[Mudcat35 196]

We went to the football game this last Saturday night.  We sat in the upper deck and enjoyed a nice cool breeze for most of the game.  Actually pleasant weather, which I was not expecting.

During the 4th quarter, my wife and I decided to head to the concession stand to grab a couple of drinks and a pretzel.   We took the opportunity to sit in some chairs right by the concession stand, relax a little and watch the game on the concession stand monitor.  About halfway through the pretzel, she looks at me and says "I wish it wasn't so windy up here.  It seems like the wind has really picked up".  

3 feet to her left was a giant fan, blowing straight on us.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

That’s when you stand up, raise your arms, and yell “I command thee wind to halt”. Then unplug the fan.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

6 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

That’s when you stand up, raise your arms, and yell “I command thee wind to halt”. Then unplug the fan.

[TrashMaster G 17559]

3 hours ago, Mudcat35 said:

We went to the football game this last Saturday night.  We sat in the upper deck and enjoyed a nice cool breeze for most of the game.  Actually pleasant weather, which I was not expecting.

During the 4th quarter, my wife and I decided to head to the concession stand to grab a couple of drinks and a pretzel.   We took the opportunity to sit in some chairs right by the concession stand, relax a little and watch the game on the concession stand monitor.  About halfway through the pretzel, she looks at me and says "I wish it wasn't so windy up here.  It seems like the wind has really picked up".  

3 feet to her left was a giant fan, blowing straight on us.

And this was you...

[Mitch Cumsteen 18550]

On 9/17/2019 at 4:21 PM, Stuck in CO said:

Then I was watching football over the weekend and she came down to watch for a bit.  Commercial for the new Will Smith movie "Gemini Man" came on.  "They really found someone that looks exactly like Will Smith".  Had to explain that he plays both parts.

At the movies yesterday and this preview came on. I couldn't help myself, "Man, that other actor looks just like a young Will Smith. I wonder where they found him."

Response: "Wait, that's not him? Oh, I guess you're right. He really does look just like him."

[Buffsoldier 1895]

16 hours ago, Mudcat35 said:

We went to the football game this last Saturday night.  We sat in the upper deck and enjoyed a nice cool breeze for most of the game.  Actually pleasant weather, which I was not expecting.

During the 4th quarter, my wife and I decided to head to the concession stand to grab a couple of drinks and a pretzel.   We took the opportunity to sit in some chairs right by the concession stand, relax a little and watch the game on the concession stand monitor.  About halfway through the pretzel, she looks at me and says "I wish it wasn't so windy up here.  It seems like the wind has really picked up".  

3 feet to her left was a giant fan, blowing straight on us.

If ever the was a moment created for the specific use of TLJ face....

[workswithseed 2112]

16 hours ago, Buffsoldier said:

If ever the was a moment created for the specific use of TLJ face....

[Buzzrock 14922]

Tell me one of your wives went on a trip to Iceland

Just sent this to the wife and said “This is how I imagine your book club.”

[nnm 36419]

I wonder what this thread would look like if there were a Surleyette messageboard.  More than 163 pages, to be sure.  My wife would probably be able to write 150 of those pages herself.  Of course, I'd need to unlock her computer for her to be able to do that.  

Edited September 26, 2019 by nnm

[Buzzrock 14922]

All of these pictures were taken at my house at the same time









At least she doesn’t give me shit about my drinking.

[Trey3216 15347]

15 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

All of these pictures were taken at my house at the same time









At least she doesn’t give me shit about my drinking.

Tryin' to get you some Claw marks, eh?  

[Anastasis 23475]

My wife brought some of that stuff home.  I don't really get it.  It's like nobody ever heard of flavored sparkling water and vodka before. 

[davidg 4038]

Just now, Anastasis said:

My wife brought some of that stuff home.  I don't really get it.  It's like nobody ever heard of flavored sparkling water and vodka before. 

"BUT IT'S GLUTEN FREE AND ONLY 100 CALORIES"

[rage-a-holic 4402]

33 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

My wife brought some of that stuff home.  I don't really get it.  It's like nobody ever heard of flavored sparkling water and vodka before. 

Yeah. You can make a homemade white claw 12 pack with a Sodastream, a squirt of fruit juice and 50 cents worth of cheap vodka.

[ABSR 5315]

1 hour ago, Buzzrock said:

All of these pictures were taken at my house at the same time









At least she doesn’t give me shit about my drinking.

Somebody's getting Laid!!!  

 

...maybe she'll let you watch.

[mulletpelini 5211]

 

[Incredulity 11675]

3 hours ago, nnm said:

I wonder what this thread would look like if there were a Surleyette messageboard.  More than 163 pages, to be sure.  My wife would probably be able to write 150 of those pages herself.  Of course, I'd need to unlock her computer for her to be able to do that.  

Just head on over to Pinterest and find out

[Incredulity 11675]

2 hours ago, davidg said:

"BUT IT'S GLUTEN FREE AND ONLY 100 CALORIES"

My wifes face when I told her Miller Lite is 96 calories.

[Trey3216 15347]

2 hours ago, Incredulity said:

My wifes face when I told her Miller Lite is 96 calories.

My sweet wife is a teacher.  When I tried to explain to her how she’s never getting a tax return, ever again, so long as we’re married, this was her reaction.   

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

Three months ago something vague named "Rick Riordan" (the children's author) showed up on the ical I share with Mrs CL. 

Three months ago I asked, "What is this?" and was told that my MIL had purchased tickets for some author event and it was meant as a surprise for my kids who apparently like the guy's books.

Three months ago, the time and location of this event was public and known to ticket holders, including Mrs CL. 6:00 on September 26 at Morton Ranch High School (don't ask me why it was in BFE Katy). You would think this would be enough time to, you know, plan an itinerary and a route for the day of the event. 

Three months ago, I was told, "You don't have to go. My mother and I will take care of this on our own." Good. 

Guess who ended up taking the kids to meet Grandma - in rush hour traffic through Cinco Ranch - because Mrs CL didn't bother to learn where "Morgan Ranch" High School was and couldn't get home in time to get them there?

 

[Armybrat 40850]

So, did he autograph your book?

[uoftorange 1386]

2 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Three months ago something vague named "Rick Riordan" (the children's author) showed up on the ical I share with Mrs CL. 

Three months ago I asked, "What is this?" and was told that my MIL had purchased tickets for some author event and it was meant as a surprise for my kids who apparently like the guy's books.

Three months ago, the time and location of this event was public and known to ticket holders, including Mrs CL. 6:00 on September 26 at Morton Ranch High School (don't ask me why it was in BFE Katy). You would think this would be enough time to, you know, plan an itinerary and a route for the day of the event. 

Three months ago, I was told, "You don't have to go. My mother and I will take care of this on our own." Good. 

Guess who ended up taking the kids to meet Grandma - in rush hour traffic through Cinco Ranch - because Mrs CL didn't bother to learn where "Morgan Ranch" High School was and couldn't get home in time to get them there?

 

Hits close to home.  Was picking up the youngest from dodgeball after school and one of the moms was running around trying to get to her son because he "forgot" to ride the bus home and went to dodgeball instead.  She was trying every door at the school to get in to get the kid early.  Yeah, that wasn't happening.  She's a very nice person and a friend, but it was cracking me up.  I was like, you're going to get from Pearland to Katy in an hour at 5PM??

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3868]

5 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Three months ago something vague named "Rick Riordan" (the children's author) showed up on the ical I share with Mrs CL. 

Three months ago I asked, "What is this?" and was told that my MIL had purchased tickets for some author event and it was meant as a surprise for my kids who apparently like the guy's books.

Three months ago, the time and location of this event was public and known to ticket holders, including Mrs CL. 6:00 on September 26 at Morton Ranch High School (don't ask me why it was in BFE Katy). You would think this would be enough time to, you know, plan an itinerary and a route for the day of the event. 

Three months ago, I was told, "You don't have to go. My mother and I will take care of this on our own." Good. 

Guess who ended up taking the kids to meet Grandma - in rush hour traffic through Cinco Ranch - because Mrs CL didn't bother to learn where "Morgan Ranch" High School was and couldn't get home in time to get them there?

 

Quite the odyssey. 

[Pato del Muerto 52510]

3 hours ago, uoftorange said:

Hits close to home.  Was picking up the youngest from dodgeball after school and one of the moms was running around trying to get to her son because he "forgot" to ride the bus home and went to dodgeball instead.  She was trying every door at the school to get in to get the kid early.  Yeah, that wasn't happening.  She's a very nice person and a friend, but it was cracking me up.  I was like, you're going to get from Pearland to Katy in an hour at 5PM??

West park tollway?

[Dennis Taylor 18830]

47 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

West park tollway?

where in Pearland are you going to hit that? 

[Js1 85372]

18 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

where in Pearland are you going to hit that? 

Your mom's?  Anyone who pays can drive. 

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

Westpark might get you a little time between Katy and the Beltway, but after that you still have to drive on the South Belt and deal with all of the different chokepoints, not to mention the usual Pearland surface traffic on every single surface road after you get off of 288.  

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

6 hours ago, Armybrat said:

So, did he autograph your book?

No idea. I dropped them off with MIL and went back to work. Somehow they showed up with wife at the house a couple hours later. 

[Armybrat 40850]

All’s well that ends well. At least you didn’t have to endure the presentation.

[Hawndoh 2386]

Tomorrow my wife and one of her friends are going to go pay movie theater prices and movie theater concessions to watch several episodes of Friends. A show she has memorized every episode of and can watch on Netflix any time she wants. 

But this is an "event"

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

5 minutes ago, Hawndoh said:

Tomorrow my wife and one of her friends are going to go pay movie theater prices and movie theater concessions to watch several episodes of Friends. A show she has memorized every episode of and can watch on Netflix any time she wants. 

But this is an "event"

Meh I'd go see the Godfather or Shawshank. 

[mulletpelini 5211]

You're comparing Friends with the Godfather and Shawshank?

[SilasCoade 2622]

Friends is the most inexplicable cultural phenomenon of all time. It was fucking terrible.

[Kennythetiger 9389]

Yes, but Jennifer Aniston was nipped out more often than not. 
I’d pay theatre prices for popcorn and a few episodes of Seinfeld. 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Chapel Hill is to North Carolina as Austin is to Texas. And Carrboro is to Chapel Hill as Berkeley is to 9th century Medina. So you can imagine the politics of the place vis-à-vis immigration.

Against that backdrop, Mrs. Ponderer was at Weaver Street Market this morning (think Wheatsville Co-op, only clean), and was having difficulty finding what she needed for her breakfast from the counter service area.

She has no difficulties in asking for help when she needs it, so she turned to the first person she saw in an apron, and said, "Can you show me the fountain drink line? I need ice for my tea."

 Now, keep in mind, she's standing in a part of the store where I know for damned sure there's a giant sign on the wall that says "Ice". It's right over the, wait for it, ice machine.

The five-foot-nothing Hispanic woman she has addressed is clearly not understanding her, so she raised her voice a bit, and repeats "Ice! Ice!"

 She cannot figure out for a full five minutes why the woman nervously and furtively disappeared out the back entrance. When the light comes on, she turns beet red.

Edited September 28, 2019 by Walden Ponderer
Whoever invented autocorrect needs her dick cut off.

[Js1 85372]

Amazing. 

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

My FIL likes to come mow the grass at my farm every weekend. We don’t ask him to do it, he just thinks it’s fun. Mrs CL’s vegetable garden is a joint venture with her and they like working together. 
 

Mrs CL called me just now to complain that I had purchased “shitty gas” that wasn’t working in the push mower and FIL had left to go buy “good gas”. 
 

“What are you taking about? I used it all up. I didn’t have any full cans. What shitty gas?”

 

”In the white metal thing next to the tractor”. 
 

They put diesel in the lawnmower from my transfer tank.

Edited September 28, 2019 by crimsonlonghorn

[Hpara759 1780]

25 minutes ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

My FIL likes to come mow the grass at my farm every weekend. We don’t ask him to do it, he just thinks it’s fun. Mrs CL’s vegetable garden is a joint venture with her and they like working together. 
 

Mrs CL called me just now to complain that I had purchased “shitty gas” that wasn’t working in the push mower and FIL had left to go buy “good gas”. 
 

“What are you taking about? I used it all up. I didn’t have any full cans. What shitty gas?”

 

”In the white metal thing next to the tractor”. 
 

They put diesel in the lawnmower from my transfer tank.