Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[tbone_ 14128]

If a tree falls in the forest, and your wife isn’t there to hear it, are you still wrong?

[Mitch Cumsteen 18550]

On 10/8/2019 at 6:42 PM, utee94 said:

Catching up on the last 10 pages or so.  Most important discovery is that @luke duke has a very strong shed game.

My most important discovery is that the new Peaky Blinders season is now available on streaming.

[Kennythetiger 9389]

Just posting so my avatar cover's up Mitch's in the front page and everyone else isn't as disappointed as I was.

[TrashMaster G 17563]

42 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My most important discovery is that the new Peaky Blinders season is now available on streaming.

It's true.  I just looked it up and confirmed it.

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

Can we post stupid MIL shit?

 

Back in August, at the beach with wife, kid, wife's sister and her family, and MIL and FIL. Rented a beach house. Manager guy at the rental office gives us three keys. Sign says lost keys = $400 for re-keying house.

Later that day, I come back from the beach, and put my key on the little table right by the front door. Later, we are about to leave for dinner my key is gone. Did anybody take my key? No, no. Are you sure you put it there? Yes. Well, we'll find it later, lets go to dinner. OK, but nobody can find any of the three keys. FIL says to MIL, "I gave you mine earlier to hold while we were at the beach." She replies, "oh yes, I forgot, its in my purse". Where are the other two keys? We end up tearing the house apart looking for the goddamned two missing keys. I spend probably an hour walking back and forth to the beach, and sifting through the sand where we were earlier that day. I get back and still no keys. Kids are being accused of playing with the keys and losing them, cars are being searched, suitcases upended, sheets taken off mattresses, cushions taken off couches. I'm about ready to take the smell trap off the sink and BIL is talking about looking through the dumpster down the street. Maybe wife or SIL left one at the grocery store that morning?

I see a purse on the kitchen counter. I look inside and all three keys are in the purse.

MIL is like "Oh, I guess I saw the key on the table and thought it was the one that Bill gave me. They all look the same."

No idea why the third key was in there, other than they all look the same.

 

[AM Wood 335]

3 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Can we post stupid MIL shit?

 

Back in August, at the beach with wife, kid, wife's sister and her family, and MIL and FIL. Rented a beach house. Manager guy at the rental office gives us three keys. Sign says lost keys = $400 for re-keying house.

Later that day, I come back from the beach, and put my key on the little table right by the front door. Later, we are about to leave for dinner my key is gone. Did anybody take my key? No, no. Are you sure you put it there? Yes. Well, we'll find it later, lets go to dinner. OK, but nobody can find any of the three keys. FIL says to MIL, "I gave you mine earlier to hold while we were at the beach." She replies, "oh yes, I forgot, its in my purse". Where are the other two keys? We end up tearing the house apart looking for the goddamned two missing keys. I spend probably an hour walking back and forth to the beach, and sifting through the sand where we were earlier that day. I get back and still no keys. Kids are being accused of playing with the keys and losing them, cars are being searched, suitcases upended, sheets taken off mattresses, cushions taken off couches. I'm about ready to take the smell trap off the sink and BIL is talking about looking through the dumpster down the street. Maybe wife or SIL left one at the grocery store that morning?

I see a purse on the kitchen counter. I look inside and all three keys are in the purse.

MIL is like "Oh, I guess I saw the key on the table and thought it was the one that Bill gave me. They all look the same."

No idea why the third key was in there, other than they all look the same.

 

Hopefully it’s just the Alzheimer’s kicking in. 

[Kennythetiger 9389]

She saved you ungrateful pricks $400 and I'll bet no one thanked her. 

[Anastasis 23475]

On 10/2/2019 at 7:53 AM, Sandman said:

My wife made spaghetti once when we first got married. The sauce was just horrible, I couldn't eat it. I respectfully told her that this didn't taste right. She said she followed her mom's recipe and didn't know what was wrong. Turns out, the sauce was not made with tomato sauce or base or crushed tomatoes. It was made with fucking ketchup (which I don't eat). Next time we went to the store, I showed her the Bertolli's sauce she should buy. Spaghetti's been fine ever since.

She sounds really hot. 

[TrashMaster G 17563]

7 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Can we post stupid MIL shit?

 

Back in August, at the beach with wife, kid, wife's sister and her family, and MIL and FIL. Rented a beach house. Manager guy at the rental office gives us three keys. Sign says lost keys = $400 for re-keying house.

Later that day, I come back from the beach, and put my key on the little table right by the front door. Later, we are about to leave for dinner my key is gone. Did anybody take my key? No, no. Are you sure you put it there? Yes. Well, we'll find it later, lets go to dinner. OK, but nobody can find any of the three keys. FIL says to MIL, "I gave you mine earlier to hold while we were at the beach." She replies, "oh yes, I forgot, its in my purse". Where are the other two keys? We end up tearing the house apart looking for the goddamned two missing keys. I spend probably an hour walking back and forth to the beach, and sifting through the sand where we were earlier that day. I get back and still no keys. Kids are being accused of playing with the keys and losing them, cars are being searched, suitcases upended, sheets taken off mattresses, cushions taken off couches. I'm about ready to take the smell trap off the sink and BIL is talking about looking through the dumpster down the street. Maybe wife or SIL left one at the grocery store that morning?

I see a purse on the kitchen counter. I look inside and all three keys are in the purse.

MIL is like "Oh, I guess I saw the key on the table and thought it was the one that Bill gave me. They all look the same."

No idea why the third key was in there, other than they all look the same.

 

Sorry, that's on you.  First thing:  "Ladies, empty your purses."

[HenryJames 66121]

9 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

They all look the same.

Keys and black people amirite.

[BHMCruiser 1814]

9 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Can we post stupid MIL shit?

 

Back in August, at the beach with wife, kid, wife's sister and her family, and MIL and FIL. Rented a beach house. Manager guy at the rental office gives us three keys. Sign says lost keys = $400 for re-keying house.

Later that day, I come back from the beach, and put my key on the little table right by the front door. Later, we are about to leave for dinner my key is gone. Did anybody take my key? No, no. Are you sure you put it there? Yes. Well, we'll find it later, lets go to dinner. OK, but nobody can find any of the three keys. FIL says to MIL, "I gave you mine earlier to hold while we were at the beach." She replies, "oh yes, I forgot, its in my purse". Where are the other two keys? We end up tearing the house apart looking for the goddamned two missing keys. I spend probably an hour walking back and forth to the beach, and sifting through the sand where we were earlier that day. I get back and still no keys. Kids are being accused of playing with the keys and losing them, cars are being searched, suitcases upended, sheets taken off mattresses, cushions taken off couches. I'm about ready to take the smell trap off the sink and BIL is talking about looking through the dumpster down the street. Maybe wife or SIL left one at the grocery store that morning?

I see a purse on the kitchen counter. I look inside and all three keys are in the purse.

MIL is like "Oh, I guess I saw the key on the table and thought it was the one that Bill gave me. They all look the same."

No idea why the third key was in there, other than they all look the same.

 

Just a purse full of keys

[LABEVO 928]

Lulz?

 

[mulletpelini 5212]

there's been a plastic bag of potatoes in or around the kitchen sink for about the last 10 days.  I asked about it, and I was told that they're no good.  We throw anything organic into compost so removal is not an issue.  In fact, I've taken organic scraps to the compost bin twice in the time that they've sat there on the counter, yet never once has she said to take them.  At this point, I'm just going to see how long it takes.  They don't even stay in the same spot either, which means she's moving them around.  Sometimes in the sink, sometimes on the counter.....the logic really is a riddle

[Modessit 5603]

there's been a plastic bag of potatoes in or around the kitchen sink for about the last 10 days.  I asked about it, and I was told that they're no good.  We throw anything organic into compost so removal is not an issue.  In fact, I've taken organic scraps to the compost bin twice in the time that they've sat there on the counter, yet never once has she said to take them.  At this point, I'm just going to see how long it takes.  They don't even stay in the same spot either, which means she's moving them around.  Sometimes in the sink, sometimes on the counter.....the logic really is a riddle

Sounds like my wife. Bought a bag of navel oranges and put then in a bowl. Nobody eats them. Some start getting mold. She picks those out and throws them away. Leaves the rest. Nobody eats them. Now those are starting to grow mold. She's moved the bowl at least 3 times since the latest mold started to appear.

[WhatTheBuck 28788]

Dude, have an orange. 

[Kennythetiger 9389]

I just throw that shit in the front yard and mow over it. 

[BearSchlong 8098]

Let's just close the thread now.

 

Woman’s Arm Cut Off by Propeller on Plane Her Husband Was Flying

 

http://flip.it/UY_Woy

 

 

A woman’s arm was cut off by the propeller of a private plane her husband was piloting, The Miami Herald reports. The couple was taking off from the Key West International airport on Saturday night when the incident occurred. Walter Gray, 46, was trying to taxi, but the plane, a single-propeller Cessna 172S rented out of Fort Meyers, wouldn’t move. Looking for the issue, he exited the plane while it was still running to check if the wheels were still in their chocks—wedges of sturdy material put against a vehicle’s wheels to keep it from moving.

 

His wife, Rebecca Lynn Gray, 45, also exited the plane, reportedly against her husband’s wishes. She walked the front of the plane to remove the chock on the front tire. With the plane still running, she then came in contact with the propeller, severing her arm. Her foot was also caught in the propeller, according to a Monroe County Sheriff’s spokesperson. The woman was airlifted to a Miami-area hospital where she is in stable condition, according to the Florida Highway Patrol.

 

 

 

 

[elfenix 34310]

On 10/11/2019 at 8:15 PM, Modessit said:

On 10/11/2019 at 6:39 PM, mulletpelini said:

there's been a plastic bag of potatoes in or around the kitchen sink for about the last 10 days.  I asked about it, and I was told that they're no good.  We throw anything organic into compost so removal is not an issue.  In fact, I've taken organic scraps to the compost bin twice in the time that they've sat there on the counter, yet never once has she said to take them.  At this point, I'm just going to see how long it takes.  They don't even stay in the same spot either, which means she's moving them around.  Sometimes in the sink, sometimes on the counter.....the logic really is a riddle

Sounds like my wife. Bought a bag of navel oranges and put then in a bowl. Nobody eats them. Some start getting mold. She picks those out and throws them away. Leaves the rest. Nobody eats them. Now those are starting to grow mold. She's moved the bowl at least 3 times since the latest mold started to appear.

replace the oranges with fakes

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

The toilet in our master bathroom is in its own little room with its own door. 

Unless I am already in the bathroom myself shaving or whatever when she goes into the toilet, Mrs CL refuses to close that door. If I walk into the bathroom in the morning and she has just gotten out of bed, I have to be very careful because even if the door is open, she's probably in there sitting on the toilet.

I hate walking in her on using the toilet, and presumably, she doesn't like me walking in on her either, but she sure doesn't do the simplest possible thing to prevent it. Why closing that door is such a burden early in the morning, I'll never understand. 

[TrashMaster G 17563]

15 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Let's just close the thread now.

 

Woman’s Arm Cut Off by Propeller on Plane Her Husband Was Flying

 

http://flip.it/UY_Woy

 

 

A woman’s arm was cut off by the propeller of a private plane her husband was piloting, The Miami Herald reports. The couple was taking off from the Key West International airport on Saturday night when the incident occurred. Walter Gray, 46, was trying to taxi, but the plane, a single-propeller Cessna 172S rented out of Fort Meyers, wouldn’t move. Looking for the issue, he exited the plane while it was still running to check if the wheels were still in their chocks—wedges of sturdy material put against a vehicle’s wheels to keep it from moving.

 

His wife, Rebecca Lynn Gray, 45, also exited the plane, reportedly against her husband’s wishes. She walked the front of the plane to remove the chock on the front tire. With the plane still running, she then came in contact with the propeller, severing her arm. Her foot was also caught in the propeller, according to a Monroe County Sheriff’s spokesperson. The woman was airlifted to a Miami-area hospital where she is in stable condition, according to the Florida Highway Patrol.

She just wanted to give him a hand.

[gernblansten 3197]

15 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Let's just close the thread now.

 

Woman’s Arm Cut Off by Propeller on Plane Her Husband Was Flying

 

http://flip.it/UY_Woy

 

 

A woman’s arm was cut off by the propeller of a private plane her husband was piloting, The Miami Herald reports. The couple was taking off from the Key West International airport on Saturday night when the incident occurred. Walter Gray, 46, was trying to taxi, but the plane, a single-propeller Cessna 172S rented out of Fort Meyers, wouldn’t move. Looking for the issue, he exited the plane while it was still running to check if the wheels were still in their chocks—wedges of sturdy material put against a vehicle’s wheels to keep it from moving.

 

His wife, Rebecca Lynn Gray, 45, also exited the plane, reportedly against her husband’s wishes. She walked the front of the plane to remove the chock on the front tire. With the plane still running, she then came in contact with the propeller, severing her arm. Her foot was also caught in the propeller, according to a Monroe County Sheriff’s spokesperson. The woman was airlifted to a Miami-area hospital where she is in stable condition, according to the Florida Highway Patrol.

 

 

 

 

Does he say "I told you not to do that" or does he just let that one go?

[tbone_ 14128]

This one is horrible and not even really funny.

[Pato del Muerto 52524]

10 minutes ago, gernblansten said:

Does he say "I told you not to do that" or does he just let that one go?

There has to be a clean harmless/armless joke for this but I can’t work it

[Player 4575]

Does he say "I told you not to do that" or does he just let that one go?

Dammit woman - if I needed your help I woulda asked you to come give me a hand.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

On 10/11/2019 at 6:39 PM, mulletpelini said:

there's been a plastic bag of potatoes in or around the kitchen sink for about the last 10 days.  I asked about it, and I was told that they're no good.  We throw anything organic into compost so removal is not an issue.  In fact, I've taken organic scraps to the compost bin twice in the time that they've sat there on the counter, yet never once has she said to take them.  At this point, I'm just going to see how long it takes.  They don't even stay in the same spot either, which means she's moving them around.  Sometimes in the sink, sometimes on the counter.....the logic really is a riddle

I don't get the "bad" part.  Generally with potatoes, if they're "bad" you're gonna know it.  They stink to high heaven.  

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

5 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

The toilet in our master bathroom is in its own little room with its own door. 

Unless I am already in the bathroom myself shaving or whatever when she goes into the toilet, Mrs CL refuses to close that door. If I walk into the bathroom in the morning and she has just gotten out of bed, I have to be very careful because even if the door is open, she's probably in there sitting on the toilet.

I hate walking in her on using the toilet, and presumably, she doesn't like me walking in on her either, but she sure doesn't do the simplest possible thing to prevent it. Why closing that door is such a burden early in the morning, I'll never understand. 

I haven't had any privacy on the toilet since my daughter learned to walk.

[txhorns 2409]

1 minute ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I haven't had any privacy on the toilet since my daughter learned to walk.

I told my 4 year old son that I was going to the bathroom yesterday.  He decided to sit on the bed and wait for me by watching.  

[Kennythetiger 9389]

Don't y'all have a basement shitter?  You know, one with a powerful toilet and aloe-infused Cottonelle toilet paper?  Maybe some baby wipes too?  And a locking door?

[PatrickMcHorn 376]

Don't y'all have a basement shitter?  You know, one with a powerful toilet and aloe-infused Cottonelle toilet paper?  Maybe some baby wipes too?  And a locking door?

What's a basement?

[Armybrat 40851]

17 minutes ago, PatrickMcHorn said:

37 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Don't y'all have a basement shitter?  You know, one with a powerful toilet and aloe-infused Cottonelle toilet paper?  Maybe some baby wipes too?  And a locking door?

What's a basement?

Where the critics in NSAA live.

[CHIEF 5093]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

Don't y'all have a basement shitter?  You know, one with a powerful toilet and aloe-infused Cottonelle toilet paper?  Maybe some baby wipes too?  And a locking door?

You must not be one of the Surly 1%, it's all about bidets these days.

CHIEF

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

5 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Don't y'all have a basement shitter?  You know, one with a powerful toilet and aloe-infused Cottonelle toilet paper?  Maybe some baby wipes too?  And a locking door?

We have a tiny little powder room off the kitchen. So narrow - and one of the one old round toilets - that I can barely fit on the toilet, so I don't use it very often. 

As I have said before, someday when we are not doors our dream house would have his and her shitters in the master bath. 

I don't necessarily mind sharing a toilet with her, I just wish she would close the damn door. Hell, I work at home by myself most of the time and I still shut it, even when I'm the only person in the house. 

[mulletpelini 5212]

6 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I don't get the "bad" part.  Generally with potatoes, if they're "bad" you're gonna know it.  They stink to high heaven.  

fuzzy moldy gnat and bug filled.  Update, I was finally asked to take them to compost heaven.

 

5 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Don't y'all have a basement shitter?  You know, one with a powerful toilet and aloe-infused Cottonelle toilet paper?  Maybe some baby wipes too?  And a locking door?

I do, even have a flatscreen in it.  She hates the basement, which is just a turrible added detail.

[VolenteHawk 495]

18 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Don't y'all have a basement shitter?  You know, one with a powerful toilet and aloe-infused Cottonelle toilet paper?  Maybe some baby wipes too?  And a locking door?

Basement? That’s a good...that’s a good one. I like that.

[Sandman 3403]

Talking with the wife and kid last night about Columbus day:

Me: Always wondered why it's a holiday here, he didn't land in what is now the US.

Wife: I thought he landed at Plymouth Rock? 

Me: WTF?

Wife: Wasn't he on the Mayflower? Isn't that his ship?

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

14 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Talking with the wife and kid last night about Columbus day:

Me: Always wondered why it's a holiday here, he didn't land in what is now the US.

Wife: I thought he landed at Plymouth Rock? 

Me: WTF?

Wife: Wasn't he on the Mayflower? Isn't that his ship?

[Nuge 1970]

4 hours ago, Sandman said:

Talking with the wife and kid last night about Columbus day:

Me: Always wondered why it's a holiday here, he didn't land in what is now the US.

Wife: I thought he landed at Plymouth Rock? 

Me: WTF?

Wife: Wasn't he on the Mayflower? Isn't that his ship?

Oh, Trixie!  Wait...

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

As a fitting addition to my bathroom story, this morning Mrs CL almost walked in on me during my morning constitutional.

It's almost as if she doesn't know what that door is for and what it means for it to be closed. 

[lateshow 1304]

1 hour ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

As a fitting addition to my bathroom story, this morning Mrs CL almost walked in on me during my morning constitutional.

It's almost as if she doesn't know what that door is for and what it means for it to be closed. 

Do you have locks on said doors? 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

What is it with not wanting your spouse to see you take a dump.  As far as I was concerned when I was married if she could stand the smell come on in.

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

3 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

What is it with not wanting your spouse to see you take a dump.  As far as I was concerned when I was married if she could stand the smell come on in.

I was wondering the same thing. I remember back when we'd only been married about 10 years or so, my wife was talking to one of her friends who had just gotten married in the last few months who was complaining about how hard it was to talk to her husband through the bathroom door, and my wife was all like, "You don't just open the door? What, do you guys hate each other or something?"

Of course, I've told the story already of the silent-but-deadly Mrs. Ponderer cut loose with on our very first date, so she's not exactly shy about bodily functions like a lot of pretend delicate flowers are.

[workswithseed 2112]

We had a friend say they wait to pee if one is in the shower. The girlfriend and I were just shocked.

[tbone_ 14128]

Been married 18 years. We’re pretty familiar and all but we dont walk in on each other crushing a mule. That’s just gross and I mean can’t a mother fucker get even a few min alone?

 

Whatever is so important can wait a couple minutes.

 

[Buffsoldier 1895]

6 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

 

Of course, I've told the story already of the silent-but-deadly Mrs. Ponderer cut loose with on our very first date, so she's not exactly shy about bodily functions like a lot of pretend delicate flowers are.

Thought you looked familiar...

 

[mulletpelini 5212]

5 hours ago, workswithseed said:

We had a friend say they wait to pee if one is in the shower. The girlfriend and I were just shocked.

Hell that's exactly what I do.  I wait til she's in the shower, go pee and flush the toilet

[AM Wood 335]

7 hours ago, workswithseed said:

We had a friend say they wait to pee if one is in the shower. The girlfriend and I were just shocked.

I’m sorry that you’re poor and don’t have a second bathroom. 

[Pato del Muerto 52524]

On 10/15/2019 at 1:15 AM, crimsonlonghorn said:

We have a tiny little powder room off the kitchen. So narrow - and one of the one old round toilets - that I can barely fit on the toilet, so I don't use it very often. 

As I have said before, someday when we are not doors our dream house would have his and her shitters in the master bath. 

I don't necessarily mind sharing a toilet with her, I just wish she would close the damn door. Hell, I work at home by myself most of the time and I still shut it, even when I'm the only person in the house. 

Sounding more and more like she’s established dominance 

[DaysOff 7951]

Bregman fouls off 6 pitches in an 11 pitch at bat.

"Isn't there a limit?"

[nnm 36439]

14 minutes ago, DaysOff said:

Bregman fouls off 6 pitches in an 11 pitch at bat.

"Isn't there a limit?"

Watching football on TV a few years ago. Camera pans to the obligatory fans holding a big “D” and a section of picket fence.  Mrs. NNM:  “what is D-gate?”

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

41 minutes ago, nnm said:

 Mrs. NNM:  “what is D-gate?”

That's what Clinton got impeached for /no CR