Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Pato del Muerto 52669]

If a woman posts nonstop about how great her guy is, and then damn near a countdown to the wedding day, and then how great her “Hubby” or “hubs” is along with all the god is great stuff...and then 18 months after the wedding is posting memes like I was married but I’m better now and girl power stuff and her status is single, is it wrong for me to find one of those old posts and ask her what happened?

[G650 14292]

Just now, Pato del Muerto said:

If a woman posts nonstop about how great her guy is, and then damn near a countdown to the wedding day, and then how great her “Hubby” or “hubs” is along with all the god is great stuff...and then 18 months after the wedding is posting memes like I was married but I’m better now and girl power stuff and her status is single, is it wrong for me to find one of those old posts and ask her what happened?

Only if you don't report back to the group

[workswithseed 2124]

4 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Bojack Zebraman.

[Dennis Taylor 18894]

1 hour ago, Pato del Muerto said:

If a woman posts nonstop about how great her guy is, and then damn near a countdown to the wedding day, and then how great her “Hubby” or “hubs” is along with all the god is great stuff...and then 18 months after the wedding is posting memes like I was married but I’m better now and girl power stuff and her status is single, is it wrong for me to find one of those old posts and ask her what happened?

[Modessit 5608]

The other day, we were in her car and I noticed my flip flops were in there. Asked her why, she said she used them the other day. That's fine but why didn't you bring them back inside. (Aside form the fact that she had to walk to or from her car without shoes at one point....)
Saturday rolls around and we take her car into the shop the inspection/oil change. They said it was going to be a couple of hours. Told them that I would pay now. and they could just lock the keys in the car and I would pick it up Sunday afternoon.
Sunday morning:
Me (needing to go outside to feed the chickens) : Sure do wish I had my flip flops.
Her : Fine! Do you want me to walk outside and get them for you?
Me : Yes, yes I would.
She walks outside
6 year old: But Dad....
Me : Wait for it......
Her walking back in and slamming the door. Me and boy die laughing : You're such an ass!

All I got out of this is either she has big feet or you have small feet. My wife wears a size 5. I wear a size 15. She's not wearing my flip flops anywhere.

[utee94 15878]

46 minutes ago, Modessit said:

6 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

 

All I got out of this is either she has big feet or you have small feet. My wife wears a size 5. I wear a size 15. She's not wearing my flip flops anywhere.

Edited November 12, 2019 by utee94

[mulletpelini 5216]

The left one is bad, then you look at the right one.  Pretty sure she's a model too.

[El Diablo 4232]

7 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

The other day, we were in her car and I noticed my flip flops were in there. Asked her why, she said she used them the other day. That's fine but why didn't you bring them back inside. (Aside form the fact that she had to walk to or from her car without shoes at one point....)

Saturday rolls around and we take her car into the shop the inspection/oil change. They said it was going to be a couple of hours. Told them that I would pay now. and they could just lock the keys in the car and I would pick it up Sunday afternoon.

Sunday morning:

Me (needing to go outside to feed the chickens) : Sure do wish I had my flip flops.

Her : Fine! Do you want me to walk outside and get them for you?

Me : Yes, yes I would.

She walks outside

6 year old: But Dad....

Me : Wait for it......

Her walking back in and slamming the door. Me and boy die laughing : You're such an ass!

Was your bathrobe in the car too by any chance? 

[ulukinatme 1765]

I'm taking the kids out for dinner.  Wife works late as a nurse and gets home as we're getting ready to leave.  We got hit by a bunch of snow yesterday evening, which prompts me to go get the ice scraper out of her van's trunk.  Before I can even get there she says "I don't think it's in there, I think I took it out when I cleaned the car."  For starters, we live in the Midwest, there's no reason an ice scraper shouldn't just stay in the car at all times.  Second, I've never seen her clean out the trunk of the van in her life, she lives to fill it up with crap her mother gifts her on a regular basis.  

Still, I'm pretty certain there's an ice scraper in her car because the last time I cleaned out her trunk I saw it in there, that was another story.  Rather than get the scraper out of my car like she suggested and leaving myself stranded later, I tell her I'm going to look for hers.  I start walking back to the trunk and she beats me there.  I insist she let me dig through the garbage and she get back in the van and stay warm.  She's nearly fallen on her ass once in the snow and ice already, clumsy doesn't begin to describe her.  She doesn't listen.  She opens the trunk and starts rooting around bags of toys she's been stashing back there for the kid's Christmas.  I ask once more to let me look for the scraper as I can already picture it in my mind at the very bottom of the very full trunk.  She's not listening, and she's making it clear she doesn't want my help or she doesn't want me to see what's back there.  About this time as she's been moving boxes and bags out of the trunk she clips her head into the edge of the trunk door.  Wailing ensues with tears, the whole shebang.  I'm trying hard not to laugh as I ask "Are you bleeding?"  She says she can't tell with the snow falling on her head and what not, because cold snow looks and feels the same as warm, red blood.  I eventually convince her to get back in the van and I go ahead and grab my ice scraper because now she's bitching that it's getting late and the kids need to eat.

All through dinner she's complaining about the pain and wonders if she has a concussion.  "Maybe I should stay up all night just in case?"  I had offered to pickup food and bring it back to her so she could take some pain killers and relax.  When we finally get home I help get the kids inside, then head back to the trunk so I can figure out if I need to run to the store for a second ice scraper or not.  Sure enough as expected, at the very bottom of the trunk under the enormous piles of boxes and bags, is the ice scraper.  

[El Diablo 4232]

Damn, I was hoping it was going to be her ear. 

[Armybrat 40942]

20 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

The left one is bad, then you look at the right one.  Pretty sure she's a model too.

Barefoot water skier.

[Nivek 17016]

I'm taking the kids out for dinner.  Wife works late as a nurse and gets home as we're getting ready to leave.  We got hit by a bunch of snow yesterday evening, which prompts me to go get the ice scraper out of her van's trunk.  Before I can even get there she says "I don't think it's in there, I think I took it out when I cleaned the car."  For starters, we live in the Midwest, there's no reason an ice scraper shouldn't just stay in the car at all times.  Second, I've never seen her clean out the trunk of the van in her life, she lives to fill it up with crap her mother gifts her on a regular basis.  
Still, I'm pretty certain there's an ice scraper in her car because the last time I cleaned out her trunk I saw it in there, that was another story.  Rather than get the scraper out of my car like she suggested and leaving myself stranded later, I tell her I'm going to look for hers.  I start walking back to the trunk and she beats me there.  I insist she let me dig through the garbage and she get back in the van and stay warm.  She's nearly fallen on her ass once in the snow and ice already, clumsy doesn't begin to describe her.  She doesn't listen.  She opens the trunk and starts rooting around bags of toys she's been stashing back there for the kid's Christmas.  I ask once more to let me look for the scraper as I can already picture it in my mind at the very bottom of the very full trunk.  She's not listening, and she's making it clear she doesn't want my help or she doesn't want me to see what's back there.  About this time as she's been moving boxes and bags out of the trunk she clips her head into the edge of the trunk door.  Wailing ensues with tears, the whole shebang.  I'm trying hard not to laugh as I ask "Are you bleeding?"  She says she can't tell with the snow falling on her head and what not, because cold snow looks and feels the same as warm, red blood.  I eventually convince her to get back in the van and I go ahead and grab my ice scraper because now she's bitching that it's getting late and the kids need to eat.
All through dinner she's complaining about the pain and wonders if she has a concussion.  "Maybe I should stay up all night just in case?"  I had offered to pickup food and bring it back to her so she could take some pain killers and relax.  When we finally get home I help get the kids inside, then head back to the trunk so I can figure out if I need to run to the store for a second ice scraper or not.  Sure enough as expected, at the very bottom of the trunk under the enormous piles of boxes and bags, is the ice scraper.  

This is some horrible storytelling.

[AM Wood 335]

On 11/12/2019 at 12:06 AM, Modessit said:

On 11/11/2019 at 5:58 PM, Jameslaw121 said:

The other day, we were in her car and I noticed my flip flops were in there. Asked her why, she said she used them the other day. That's fine but why didn't you bring them back inside. (Aside form the fact that she had to walk to or from her car without shoes at one point....)
Saturday rolls around and we take her car into the shop the inspection/oil change. They said it was going to be a couple of hours. Told them that I would pay now. and they could just lock the keys in the car and I would pick it up Sunday afternoon.
Sunday morning:
Me (needing to go outside to feed the chickens) : Sure do wish I had my flip flops.
Her : Fine! Do you want me to walk outside and get them for you?
Me : Yes, yes I would.
She walks outside
6 year old: But Dad....
Me : Wait for it......
Her walking back in and slamming the door. Me and boy die laughing : You're such an ass!

Read more  

All I got out of this is either she has big feet or you have small feet. My wife wears a size 5. I wear a size 15. She's not wearing my flip flops anywhere.

What are you? A yeti?

[Dennis Taylor 18894]

On 11/11/2019 at 4:58 PM, Jameslaw121 said:

The other day, we were in her car and I noticed my flip flops were in there. Asked her why, she said she used them the other day. That's fine but why didn't you bring them back inside. (Aside form the fact that she had to walk to or from her car without shoes at one point....)

Saturday rolls around and we take her car into the shop the inspection/oil change. They said it was going to be a couple of hours. Told them that I would pay now. and they could just lock the keys in the car and I would pick it up Sunday afternoon.

Sunday morning:

Me (needing to go outside to feed the chickens) : Sure do wish I had my flip flops.

Her : Fine! Do you want me to walk outside and get them for you?

Me : Yes, yes I would.

She walks outside

6 year old: But Dad....

Me : Wait for it......

Her walking back in and slamming the door. Me and boy die laughing : You're such an ass!

 

[deadshank 24653]

Sitting around last night catching up on some DVR’d programs and run across CBS’ 60 Minutes and select it to watch. 

Wife: (eye roll and exasperated, dramatic exhale for attention) “How long of a show is 60 Minutes?  30 minutes or an hour long? There is some DWTS DVR’d stuff I want to watch tonight before it’s too late.”

Me:   Whu......?

[MNLonghornFUKM 8835]

Sitting around last night catching up on some DVR’d programs and run across CBS’ 60 Minutes and select it to watch. 
Wife: (eye roll and exasperated, dramatic exhale for attention) “How long of a show is 60 Minutes?  30 minutes or an hour long? There is some DWTS DVR’d stuff I want to watch tonight before it’s too late.”
Me:   Whu......?

Legit question when you fast forward commercials. Probably 42 minutes, 36 seconds

[deadshank 24653]

19 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

27 minutes ago, deadshank said:

Sitting around last night catching up on some DVR’d programs and run across CBS’ 60 Minutes and select it to watch. 
Wife: (eye roll and exasperated, dramatic exhale for attention) “How long of a show is 60 Minutes?  30 minutes or an hour long? There is some DWTS DVR’d stuff I want to watch tonight before it’s too late.”
Me:   Whu......?

Legit question when you fast forward commercials. Probably 42 minutes, 36 seconds

You're taking her side?   You sleeping with her, too?

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

Just now, deadshank said:

You're taking her side?   You sleeping with her, too?

We all are, bro.

[deadshank 24653]

Just now, Cheeseweasel said:

We all are, bro.

Sounds like a have quite a few drinks to buy you fellas.  Thanks!!

[Beau Vine 54489]

Wife noticed this morning that we have forgotten to run the dishwasher two nights in a row.

Me: "Fine, just start it now."

Her: "But we're about to go to work."

Me: "So, the dishwasher doesn't need us here to run."
 

Her: "But what if it leaks?"

Me: "We've run this dishwasher 100 times and it has never leaked.  Why would you assume it's going to leak now?"

Her: "You of all people who is an expert in probability should realize that the past doesn't predict the future!" (Yes, I swear she said that.)

Me: "Why the hell do you do this kind of shit where you conjure up horrible outcomes and use them to base your decision on?" (I actually know the answer to that -- it's because her mother does the exact same thing.)

Her: "Are you telling me that there's no chance the dishwater is going to leak?"

Me: "Well, there's also a chance this refrigerator is going to explode, so I guess we should unplug it every time we leave the house?"

Her: "Now you're just being ridiculous."

 

[deadshank 24653]

5 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife noticed this morning that we have forgotten to run the dishwasher two nights in a row.

Me: "Fine, just start it now."

Her: "But we're about to go to work."

Me: "So, the dishwasher doesn't need us here to run."
 

Her: "But what if it leaks?"

Me: "We've run this dishwasher 100 times and it has never leaked.  Why would you assume it's going to leak now?"

Her: "You of all people who is an expert in probability should realize that the past doesn't predict the future!" (Yes, I swear she said that.)

Me: "Why the hell do you do this kind of shit where you conjure up horrible outcomes and use them to base your decision on?" (I actually know the answer to that -- it's because her mother does the exact same thing.)

Her: "Are you telling me that there's no chance the dishwater is going to leak?"

Me: "Well, there's also a chance this refrigerator is going to explode, so I guess we should unplug it every time we leave the house?"

Her: "Now you're just being ridiculous."

 

Why is my wife married to you?

[Beau Vine 54489]

1 minute ago, deadshank said:

Why is my wife married to you?

I thought my wife and her mother were the only ones who based decisions on the worst possible scenarios that could occur, no matter how infinitesimal the likelihood.

When I first brought home the InstaPot, this was the conversation:

Her: "That's a pressure cooker?"

Me: "That's one of the functions, so?"

Her: "Well, what if it explodes?"

Me: "Why the fuck would you even think that?  Have you read about a huge epidemic of InstaPots exploding around the world?  Because somehow these have become extremely popular." 

[hundredTT 578]

13 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife noticed this morning that we have forgotten to run the dishwasher two nights in a row.

Me: "Fine, just start it now."

Her: "But we're about to go to work."

Me: "So, the dishwasher doesn't need us here to run."
 

Her: "But what if it leaks?"

Me: "We've run this dishwasher 100 times and it has never leaked.  Why would you assume it's going to leak now?"

Her: "You of all people who is an expert in probability should realize that the past doesn't predict the future!" (Yes, I swear she said that.)

Me: "Why the hell do you do this kind of shit where you conjure up horrible outcomes and use them to base your decision on?" (I actually know the answer to that -- it's because her mother does the exact same thing.)

Her: "Are you telling me that there's no chance the dishwater is going to leak?"

Me: "Well, there's also a chance this refrigerator is going to explode, so I guess we should unplug it every time we leave the house?"

Her: "Now you're just being ridiculous."

 

She about to mess with some some settings to make it leak, and hold it over you forever. 

[Beau Vine 54489]

2 minutes ago, hundredTT said:

She about to mess with some some settings to make it leak, and hold it over you forever. 

Yeah, I'm not new to this marriage thing.  I already considered that.  Besides, I can always put a bomb in the fridge.

Edited November 13, 2019 by Beau Vine

[Modessit 5608]

What are you? A yeti?

Yes

[Modessit 5608]

I thought my wife and her mother were the only ones who based decisions on the worst possible scenarios that could occur, no matter how infinitesimal the likelihood.

Why do you think so many women slow down when approaching a green light?

[Beau Vine 54489]

17 minutes ago, Modessit said:

Why do you think so many women slow down when approaching a green light?

I actually called my wife on doing this one time.

Me: "Why are braking for a green light?"

Her: "Well, I didn't just want to go sailing through the intersection!"

Me: "That's the whole point of the green light!  That green light says that it's your right to go sailing through the intersection because the other people are not allowed to right now!"

[nnm 36751]

Beau Vine's posts above -- Great.  Now you're gonna have homeland security breathing down the necks of Surly.  Thanks for that.  

[Pato del Muerto 52669]

Ive had bomb pops in the freezer many times without issue. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8835]

Wife noticed this morning that we have forgotten to run the dishwasher two nights in a row.
Me: "Fine, just start it now."
Her: "But we're about to go to work."
Me: "So, the dishwasher doesn't need us here to run."
 
Her: "But what if it leaks?"
Me: "We've run this dishwasher 100 times and it has never leaked.  Why would you assume it's going to leak now?"
Her: "You of all people who is an expert in probability should realize that the past doesn't predict the future!" (Yes, I swear she said that.)
Me: "Why the hell do you do this kind of shit where you conjure up horrible outcomes and use them to base your decision on?" (I actually know the answer to that -- it's because her mother does the exact same thing.)
Her: "Are you telling me that there's no chance the dishwater is going to leak?"
Me: "Well, there's also a chance this refrigerator is going to explode, so I guess we should unplug it every time we leave the house?"
Her: "Now you're just being ridiculous."
 

I was told a few days ago we need to have the dryer vents professionally cleaned(top floor laundry, laundry is smack dab middle of the upstairs layout)so it has a long way to vent outside up to 3 times a year.


I told her yea ok. She tells me its the number 1 starter in house fires. Well in our last house i/we lived in for almost 9 years had the dryer vents cleaned exactly one time and that was because the inspector for the buyers asked us to do it last year. Yea i should've been better about that, admittedly.



Also the 30 foot fire escape ladder she needed to buy last year is still in its box stored under our bed.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

2 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

She tells me its the number 1 starter in house fires.

Just leave the dishwasher running. The leaking will put out the fire.

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3868]

21 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

When we finally get home I help get the kids inside, then head back to the trunk so I can figure out if I need to run to the store for a second ice scraper or not.  Sure enough as expected, at the very bottom of the trunk under the enormous piles of boxes and bags, is the ice scraper.  

How the hell did you not try to figure out what she was trying to keep you from seeing?  Did you just assume it was all the crap piled in there?

Edited November 13, 2019 by ShaggyBevo RIP

[Buffsoldier 1895]

37 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

I told her yea ok. She tells me its the number 1 starter in house fires. Well in our last house i/we lived in for almost 9 years had the dryer vents cleaned exactly one time and that was because the inspector for the buyers asked us to do it last year. Yea i should've been better about that, admittedly.

Get her this and tell her to pull her weight around the house.

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Dryer-Vent-Venting-Exhaust-Duct-Cleaning-Lint-Trap-Removal-Brush-Vacuum-Kit-12-Drill-Flexible/998462068?sourceid=csebr0394555f8e32f64c9a9f649104d46a4b5a&wmlspartner=bizratecom&affcmpid=3724935200&tmode=0000&veh=cse&szredirectid=15736831228182173617310080301008005

[Beau Vine 54489]

58 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

I was told a few days ago we need to have the dryer vents professionally cleaned(top floor laundry, laundry is smack dab middle of the upstairs layout)so it has a long way to vent outside up to 3 times a year.


I told her yea ok. She tells me its the number 1 starter in house fires. Well in our last house i/we lived in for almost 9 years had the dryer vents cleaned exactly one time and that was because the inspector for the buyers asked us to do it last year. Yea i should've been better about that, admittedly.



Also the 30 foot fire escape ladder she needed to buy last year is still in its box stored under our bed.

We absolutely cannot leave the dryer running when we leave because some neighbor of hers when she was a kid had a fire when they did that. 

[Tylerocks 2557]

11 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

We absolutely cannot leave the dryer running when we leave because some neighbor of hers when she was a kid had a fire when they did that. 

My wife has pulled this before as well.  

I saw over the weekend, in-laws were visiting, where my wife learned to load the dishwasher.  Holy Fuck.

small plates in the top rack.  Glasses in between the prongs, so they just slide around.

 

I mean.....

[ulukinatme 1765]

1 hour ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

How the hell did you not try to figure out what she was trying to keep you from seeing?  Did you just assume it was all the crap piled in there?

It's just a shit load of toys.  I got after her last year because she spent way too much on the kids.  She promised me this year she would pull back, but she obviously hasn't.  There was so much crap last year she was storing toys in her sister's garage.  

[AM Wood 335]

1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

We absolutely cannot leave the dryer running when we leave because some neighbor of hers when she was a kid had a fire when they did that. 

Don’t you have insurance?

[Pato del Muerto 52669]

1 hour ago, AM Wood said:

Don’t you have insurance?

We have dogs, so safety first. Can’t have them burning up or drowning due to faulty appliances. 

[Gil Bang 26069]

vans have trunks?

[HornOnTheBayou 8958]

7 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

 

Me: "Why the hell do you do this kind of shit where you conjure up horrible outcomes and use them to base your decision on?" (I actually know the answer to that -- it's because her mother does the exact same thing.)

 

Next time this issue comes up, you should mention the bolded part to her. She will immediately realize the error of her ways and apologize to you immediately.

[tbone_ 14213]

And by apologize he means stab you.

[Beau Vine 54489]

22 minutes ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

Next time this issue comes up, you should mention the bolded part to her. She will immediately realize the error of her ways and apologize to you immediately.

I have done that.  I did that in the InstaPot argument.  Yeah, she loves that.

 

Also, dishwasher didn't leak today!  Huzzah!

Edited November 14, 2019 by Beau Vine

[NorthLoop 14254]

Mine the opposite problem with the dryer. If I don't sneak in there to clean it in the middle of her 12 loads of laundry during the weekend we end up with a dead nutria in our lint trap.

[mulletpelini 5216]

11 hours ago, Modessit said:

Why do you think so many women slow down when approaching a green light?

 

so they can accelerate towards the red light?

 

7 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

It's just a shit load of toys.  I got after her last year because she spent way too much on the kids.  She promised me this year she would pull back, but she obviously hasn't.  

Maybe you should have "pulled out"

[HenryJames 66228]

12 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

she was storing toys in her sister's garage.

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3868]

16 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

It's just a shit load of toys.  I got after her last year because she spent way too much on the kids.  She promised me this year she would pull back, but she obviously hasn't.  There was so much crap last year she was storing toys in her sister's garage.  

So, she didn't want you to see her spending? Time to set up mint and know the spending as it happens.  https://www.mint.com

Edited November 14, 2019 by ShaggyBevo RIP

[Pato del Muerto 52669]

Her, last night:  you need to help clean up around the house more

me, this morning: /folds scarf laying over chair back 

her:  that’s actually a decorative scarf that’s supposed to be there. 

[tbone_ 14213]

My response to this is how about we just both clean up our own messes.

Pro tip - they are never my messes.

[CycleTex87 2991]

14 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

My response to this is how about we just both clean up our own messes.

Pro tip - they are never my messes.

This is exactly right.  Our kitchen island is a dumping ground for drink cups, mail, medicine, whatever.  We are cleaning up for folks coming over, my wife says "get your stuff off the island!".  Easy.  done.  Not one piece of this stuff derived from me.

[Buffsoldier 1895]

10 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Her, last night:  you need to help clean up around the house more

Goddamn, this pissed me off.  Although even though I was just an asshole when (after the 4th or 5th time) I replied with, "Sure, and I'd like you to start paying more of the bills around here too.", the griping about cleaning stopped.