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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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52-80

52-80 19150

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Lulz.  Wife hates flying.  She hates even thinking about it.  Even though every trip we take together she inherits the perks from my status premium cabin and yadda yadda yadda.

But for her, travel is a matter of necessity, so if she needs to do it, she picks the quickest option and the cheapest price.  Bing bang boom.

So she booked our family visit on a discount carrier.  Even though we get dinged for checking a damn bag, picking a damn seat, gotta pay for drinks on the concourse, whatever - the base fare is cheaper, right?

 

Anyway, we were just boarding this flight when we got pulled to the side for weight check.  Our carry-on is over, so we gotta pay inflated price for a penalty and worse - she has to check in her new bag.

 

She's fucking steamed.  She's been cursing under her breath for the last 10 minutes, swearing to write a review on Yelp and never taking this carrier again.  Thank God !!!!

 

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JimmyRussels

JimmyRussels 14

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10 minutes ago, Texaus said:

25 years in June. Based on the fact no one believes a colossal fuckup such as that should be parlayed into sexual favors(more deviant than usual), I’m starting to believe I’m the only married guy in here.

 

Sex. What the hell is that? I’m starting to believe I’m the only married guy in here.

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blacklab

blacklab 11926

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10yo is going to 6th grade/junior high next year.

Wife makes comment that it's going to be a pain in the ass to go to lunch with the kids because 9yo will still be in elementary school.

I let her know she shouldn't be going to junior high with the kid in junior as people will make fun of him.

She argues and argues about kids aren't mean, they wouldn't do that, other mothers go there, etc. etc.

Fast forward to this week and she's talking to a neighbor who has a kid at the junior high. Asks about going to lunch to see her kid. Neighbor laughs at wife and says "I wouldn't ever go to eat with them, they'd be made fun of by all of the other kids forever if I did that"

Why the fuck do women believe a stranger over their husband? What really drives me nuts is when it's something I have more knowledge than the average person like setting up a website or fixing a computer.

Her: The homeless guy said my computer is probably running slow because I have a virus!

Me: No, it's because you have 100 tabs open in chrome and it's using all the memory on your laptop. get laptop, show task manager, show her she's using all the memory.

Her: That can't be it. Can you scan for viruses?

me: ok

I go reboot computer and hand it back

her: OMG it's so much faster, did you find a virus?

me: uh, yeah

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General Specific

General Specific 3256

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Lulz.  Wife hates flying.  She hates even thinking about it.  Even though every trip we take together she inherits the perks from my status premium cabin and yadda yadda yadda.
But for her, travel is a matter of necessity, so if she needs to do it, she picks the quickest option and the cheapest price.  Bing bang boom.
So she booked our family visit on a discount carrier.  Even though we get dinged for checking a damn bag, picking a damn seat, gotta pay for drinks on the concourse, whatever - the base fare is cheaper, right?
 
Anyway, we were just boarding this flight when we got pulled to the side for weight check.  Our carry-on is over, so we gotta pay inflated price for a penalty and worse - she has to check in her new bag.
 
She's fucking steamed.  She's been cursing under her breath for the last 10 minutes, swearing to write a review on Yelp and never taking this carrier again.  Thank God !!!!
 

Yeah but is she hot? She sounds hot!
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52-80

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1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER PILOT!

One of the few times I've seen her public freakout.  She's usually too conscious to do it.  She sneared in her softest loud voice, "if you damage my bag, are YOU going to pay for it?!?!?"

 

I tried not to chortle.  But it actually worked since they let her carry it on ...after the $$ of course.

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MissingInAction

MissingInAction 25036

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12 hours ago, blacklab said:

 

Why the fuck do women believe a stranger over their husband? What really drives me nuts is when it's something I have more knowledge than the average person like setting up a website or fixing a computer.

Her: The homeless guy said my computer is probably running slow because I have a virus!

Me: No, it's because you have 100 tabs open in chrome and it's using all the memory on your laptop. get laptop, show task manager, show her she's using all the memory.

Her: That can't be it. Can you scan for viruses?

me: ok

I go reboot computer and hand it back

her: OMG it's so much faster, did you find a virus?

me: uh, yeah

There are millions of people just like your wife who justify my employment.

Thank you.

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G650

G650 14249

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24 minutes ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

Breaking down a box before putting it in the recycling bin is not difficult, right? I'm asking because the female in my house still has not grasped the concept that you can fit more boxes in the recycling bin if you break them down.

You just triggered my PTSD.

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ISUCyclones

ISUCyclones 216

Posted
Posted
30 minutes ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

Breaking down a box before putting it in the recycling bin is not difficult, right? I'm asking because the female in my house still has not grasped the concept that you can fit more boxes in the recycling bin if you break them down.

Be thankful your wife gets them to the recycling. The whole box gets tossed in our four season room for me to break down and take out. When it does go out you can bet it's not broken down though

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11664

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Just got back a week ago from Disney World.  One day at one of the parks in the late morning my wife says to me, “the kids really want gyros. Can you get them for them?”

So I start scrolling through the Disney app trying to find gyros. After about 5 minutes my wife asks, “whats the problem? Gyros are everywhere.”

I look at her like her hair is on fire not sure WTF she is talking about.

Turns out she meant churro and not gyro.

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21841

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I did my very best to keep level headed, but fuck me.  I don’t drive my wife’s SUV often, but took the boy yesterday to get a tree as the wife and daughter were home sick.  First, the remote battery is dead.  No problem, use the key.  Turn on the car, and of course the engine service light comes on.  OK, she does know that means service is due NOW, right?  Start backing up, and I can hardly turn the wheel.  It takes all of my strength to back into the the street.  WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING FUCK?  I call her and ask what in the hell she is thinking.  Her response, “It’s only that way when you go really slow.”  Oh really?  Yes, power steering is less critical at higher speeds.  What a revelation.  You do realize this is a MAJOR safety issue, right?  “I haven’t had time.”  Dafuq, man.

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AUS-97HORN

AUS-97HORN 11757

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18 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

I did my very best to keep level headed, but fuck me.  I don’t drive my wife’s SUV often, but took the boy yesterday to get a tree as the wife and daughter were home sick.  First, the remote battery is dead.  No problem, use the key.  Turn on the car, and of course the engine service light comes on.  OK, she does know that means service is due NOW, right?  Start backing up, and I can hardly turn the wheel.  It takes all of my strength to back into the the street.  WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING FUCK?  I call her and ask what in the hell she is thinking.  Her response, “It’s only that way when you go really slow.”  Oh really?  Yes, power steering is less critical at higher speeds.  What a revelation.  You do realize this is a MAJOR safety issue, right?  “I haven’t had time.”  Dafuq, man.

she hasnt had time because shes had to meet with her besties the last 3 days lunches, and its Christmas buying season, what kind of fucking cretin gets their car repaired the 2nd to last weekend before CHRISTMAS?????

Shes got shit to do man.  shes busy

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21841

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27 minutes ago, AUS-97HORN said:

she hasnt had time because shes had to meet with her besties the last 3 days lunches, and its Christmas buying season, what kind of fucking cretin gets their car repaired the 2nd to last weekend before CHRISTMAS?????

Shes got shit to do man.  shes busy

Car maintenance has always been optional for her.  I usually ride herd on it a little closer, but I made the mistake of thinking she was responsible.  Silly me.

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18812

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Meanwhile,  on the Stupid Shit Husbands Say thread on Pintrest...Mrs. Sbbruin says " my SUV is a little hard to steer but I'm like NBD...he tries to drive it and is all in my face crying about 'safety'....I think I'll buy him a gym membership...time to man up Nancy"

Edited by Dennis Taylor
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HornOnTheBayou

HornOnTheBayou 8921

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7 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

she hasnt had time because shes had to meet with her besties the last 3 days lunches, and its Christmas buying season, what kind of fucking cretin gets their car repaired the 2nd to last weekend before CHRISTMAS?????

Shes got shit to do man.  shes busy

She volunteered for six different committees at the kid's school and she has to bake cookies for 3 classroom parties. Why don't you help out with some of these things she volunteered for, you ungrateful a-hole?

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The Ace of Aces

The Ace of Aces 5181

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11 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

Breaking down a box before putting it in the recycling bin is not difficult, right? I'm asking because the female in my house still has not grasped the concept that you can fit more boxes in the recycling bin if you break them down.

Are we Eskimo brothers?

We have a space for paper recycling. Usually a Trader Joe’s bag we’ll stuff and then just toss the whole thing in the recycling bin.

She refuses to put any paper/paper towel roll/la croix box on it in any kind of systematic order. Instead of putting items in vertically so you can fit a metric ton in it she lets each item float like a snowflake to the bag so it’s full after 15 or whatever items.

I get mad typing this. 

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HornOnTheBayou

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3 minutes ago, The Ace of Aces said:

Are we Eskimo brothers?

We have a space for paper recycling. Usually a Trader Joe’s bag we’ll stuff and then just toss the whole thing in the recycling bin.

She refuses to put any paper/paper towel roll/la croix box on it in any kind of systematic order. Instead of putting items in vertically so you can fit a metric ton in it she lets each item float like a snowflake to the bag so it’s full after 15 or whatever items.

I get mad typing this. 

Image result for preach gif

Sell also "How to put dishes in the dishwasher". Those of you with daughters need to teach them how to play Tetris and maybe the idea of spatial awareness will somehow seep into their brain. Their future husband will thank you.

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Buffsoldier

Buffsoldier 1895

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I know this gets said every so often, but goddamn, some of y'all married some stupid fucking bitches. 

And don't give us that, "Oh, she's got a degree in Astrophysics and won the Nobel in Economics, this is just a quirk." bullshit.  Being EDUCATED is way different than being SMART. 

And for the record, yes, I married one too.  I'm free of my chains now, but I fucked up by putting a ring on it too.

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52-80

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2 hours ago, Buffsoldier said:

I know this gets said every so often, but goddamn, some of y'all married some stupid fucking bitches. 

And don't give us that, "Oh, she's got a degree in Astrophysics and won the Nobel in Economics, this is just a quirk." bullshit.  Being EDUCATED is way different than being SMART. 

And for the record, yes, I married one too.  I'm free of my chains now, but I fucked up by putting a ring on it too.

Why don't you rub it in some more

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11664

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4 hours ago, Buffsoldier said:

I know this gets said every so often, but goddamn, some of y'all married some stupid fucking bitches. 

And don't give us that, "Oh, she's got a degree in Astrophysics and won the Nobel in Economics, this is just a quirk." bullshit.  Being EDUCATED is way different than being SMART. 

And for the record, yes, I married one too.  I'm free of my chains now, but I fucked up by putting a ring on it too.

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nnm

nnm 36360

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13 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

 

Sell also "How to put dishes in the dishwasher". Those of you with daughters need to teach them how to play Tetris and maybe the idea of spatial awareness will somehow seep into their brain. Their future husband will thank you.

I really don’t understand this dishwasher talk. Unless your wife is South Austin’s mom, why are you putting dishes IN the dishwasher?  Didn’t your dishwasher wear white at your wedding?  End of story. 

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