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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Sandman

Sandman 3403

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16 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

 Those of you with daughters need to teach them how to play Tetris and maybe the idea of spatial awareness will somehow seep into their brain. Their future husband will thank you.

Why would I want to help the guy who's trying to fuck my daughter? He can deal with the bullshit just like the rest of us do/did.

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21861

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18 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

Are we Eskimo brothers?

We have a space for paper recycling. Usually a Trader Joe’s bag we’ll stuff and then just toss the whole thing in the recycling bin.

She refuses to put any paper/paper towel roll/la croix box on it in any kind of systematic order. Instead of putting items in vertically so you can fit a metric ton in it she lets each item float like a snowflake to the bag so it’s full after 15 or whatever items.

I get mad typing this. 

I think we have a tribe of Eskimos, here.  The unbroken down 2'x3' Amazon box in the recycling can is a miracle.  She'll fill one large bin with like 2-3 boxes.  

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52524

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You guys with recycling bins are the lucky ones. Out here in god’s country, they don’t believe in curbside recycling. We must sort and haul any recycling material to the center ourselves. So her answer with amazon boxes is chuck them, filler material still inside, randomly into the garage. Then when there’s 15-20 boxes blocking any and all garage access, I get to break them all down and designate one for all the filler, then load up the truck and make a delivery. 

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Walden Ponderer

Walden Ponderer 12639

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19 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

Sell also "How to put dishes in the dishwasher". Those of you with daughters need to teach them how to play Tetris and maybe the idea of spatial awareness will somehow seep into their brain. Their future husband will thank you.

"The Married Kama Sutra" is must reading for newlyweds.

When the man is loading the dishwasher, and the woman must come over, because he is loading it wrong, it is called "The Dishwasher Position".

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nnm

nnm 36437

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1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

This is what I'd be doing out in god's country:

spacer.png

Wow.  How did you get a picture of the backyard of my childhood home?   If you would have panned to the right, you would have seen our strategically placed woodpile.  

Seriously, that's almost dead on what we used for garbage disposal back in the day.  The roof panel even matches our house roof.  And the grate one of our rabbit cages.  A .22 was a good tool for making those airholes--much easier and more efficient than a drill.  A .30-30 might be needed for more robust barrels.  

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21861

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23 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

 

Sell also "How to put dishes in the dishwasher". Those of you with daughters need to teach them how to play Tetris and maybe the idea of spatial awareness will somehow seep into their brain. Their future husband will thank you.

My wife is convinced each dish needs a foot of spacing around it or it won't get clean.  It chaps my ass to no end that I open it up and there's like 6 dishes in a just run load.  And we just bought a $1,200 dishwasher so I'm sure it can handle it a little more density.

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ISUCyclones

ISUCyclones 216

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31 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

My wife is convinced each dish needs a foot of spacing around it or it won't get clean.  It chaps my ass to no end that I open it up and there's like 6 dishes in a just run load.  And we just bought a $1,200 dishwasher so I'm sure it can handle it a little more density.

The other end of this is when they are all arranged touching and leaning on each other and clang around and get all chipped up. 

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5212

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4 hours ago, Sbbruin said:

My wife is convinced each dish needs a foot of spacing around it or it won't get clean.  It chaps my ass to no end that I open it up and there's like 6 dishes in a just run load.  And we just bought a $1,200 dishwasher so I'm sure it can handle it a little more density.

my computer is not showing me pics of the $1200 (a night, I presume) dishwasher you paid for.

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18550

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My wife phones me on the way home from work Friday afternoon, "My car is almost out of gas. It's beeping at me and I think I'm going to run out."

Me: Uh... why don't you stop and get gas?

Wife: It's really freaking me out. I"m afraid it's going to run out. It went from telling me that I had 40 miles to go and then it just changed to 25 miles to go, and now it's just beeping at me. It's never done this before.

Me: Where are you?

Wife: Pulling into the driveway at the house.

Important side note: we live about one-half mile from a gas station. It is literally right down our street. You don't even have to turn to get there, other than turning into the gas station. She also had to pass at least ten other fucking gas stations on the way from her office to the house.

 

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18550

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4 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Saw the rainbow wig and got excite. This one is tame and not at all related to home decor. 

I know that I have set a rather high/low bar for myself in this thread. I suppose I could tell you about how I hauled home 7 Home Depot bins full of Christmas shit (that she practically ignored) plus two fake trees and then she went out and bought yet another fake tree and a slew of new ornaments because she wanted to replicate something she saw in a magazine. But I just assumed you guys already knew this.

Edited by Mitch Cumsteen
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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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6 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife phones me on the way home from work Friday afternoon, "My car is almost out of gas. It's beeping at me and I think I'm going to run out."

Me: Uh... why don't you stop and get gas?

Wife: It's really freaking me out. I"m afraid it's going to run out. It went from telling me that I had 40 miles to go and then it just changed to 25 miles to go, and now it's just beeping at me. It's never done this before.

Me: Where are you?

Wife: Pulling into the driveway at the house.

Important side note: we live about one-half mile from a gas station. It is literally right down our street. You don't even have to turn to get there, other than turning into the gas station. She also had to pass at least ten other fucking gas stations on the way from her office to the house.

 

And on Monday morning before work, that damn light/buzzer kept beeping at her until she ran out of gas on the way to work 

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19206

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On 12/16/2019 at 4:22 PM, nnm said:

Wow.  How did you get a picture of the backyard of my childhood home?   If you would have panned to the right, you would have seen our strategically placed woodpile.  

Seriously, that's almost dead on what we used for garbage disposal back in the day.  The roof panel even matches our house roof.  And the grate one of our rabbit cages.  A .22 was a good tool for making those airholes--much easier and more efficient than a drill.  A .30-30 might be needed for more robust barrels.  

This is not how you humble brag.

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4976

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On 12/16/2019 at 2:05 PM, Pato del Muerto said:

You guys with recycling bins are the lucky ones. Out here in god’s country, they don’t believe in curbside recycling. We must sort and haul any recycling material to the center ourselves. So her answer with amazon boxes is chuck them, filler material still inside, randomly into the garage. Then when there’s 15-20 boxes blocking any and all garage access, I get to break them all down and designate one for all the filler, then load up the truck and make a delivery. 

At least you have a garage. Ours just ends up in our already too small utility room.

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Pogo

Pogo 284

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16 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I know that I have set a rather high/low bar for myself in this thread. I suppose I could tell you about how I hauled home 7 Home Depot bins full of Christmas shit (that she practically ignored) plus two fake trees and then she went out and bought yet another fake tree and a slew of new ornaments because she wanted to replicate something she saw in a magazine. But I just assumed you guys already knew this.

Are you my neighbor.  His wife apparently has so many ornaments that she bought 2 more trees to decorate and put them in their dining room.  Their kid hid behind one of them when they were playing hide-n-seek.  Nobody could find him.

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Not that Bob

Not that Bob 738

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What ever needs to be done in the kitchen, she uses the semi nice paring knife. Cut fruit, paring knife. Fine. Cut slice of bread, paring knife...uh...not so fine. Spread butter on the bread, paring knife. Urgh! I finally asked why she uses a knife that has to be hand washed and sharpened rather than using the appropriate utensil. Answer...tone. 

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5212

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Posted (edited)
On 6/10/2019 at 1:38 PM, Mach 1 said:

A little update on the "disposable cup cover for music festivals."

Welp, our bank account is soon to be $2500 lighter. My wife and her partner are paying some industrial designer $5k to come up with a prototype.  Money doesn't bug me, since she makes good coin, but I kind of think this is becoming more about proving me wrong than anything else.

I must have given her my dubious face when she told me, because she said "Don't worry, we'll still own the IP."

Now there were a few ways to respond to this.  I could have (1) laughed and said "I'm not worried at all," or (2) "You know the IP for something know one wants isn't going to be worth much."   However I've been a husband for over ten years, and have self inflicted wounds to prove it.  So I said neither.  Instead I said "Sounds good to me."

Well, I guess the next stop is prototype.  I'll have to ask everyone for an NDA before I post it, so none of you assholes steal the IP,  but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

these mfers stole her fucking idea!  She would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling kids!

https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2019/12/18/fsu-grad-sister-combat-date-rape-custom-scrunchie-nightcap/2687686001/

Quote

 

NightCap is a protective drink cover disguised as a hair scrunchie that can be worn on the wrist.

It fits snugly over most glasses or cups and has a pre-cut space for straws. 

 

 

Edited by mulletpelini
you're never gonna hear the end of this.....from her
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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9389

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8 hours ago, Not that Bob said:

What ever needs to be done in the kitchen, she uses the semi nice paring knife. Cut fruit, paring knife. Fine. Cut slice of bread, paring knife...uh...not so fine. Spread butter on the bread, paring knife. Urgh! I finally asked why she uses a knife that has to be hand washed and sharpened rather than using the appropriate utensil. Answer...tone. 

I expected this to end "What do you mean, hand-washed?"

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BearSchlong

BearSchlong 8098

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I did my very best to keep level headed, but fuck me.  I don’t drive my wife’s SUV often, but took the boy yesterday to get a tree as the wife and daughter were home sick.  First, the remote battery is dead.  No problem, use the key.  Turn on the car, and of course the engine service light comes on.  OK, she does know that means service is due NOW, right?  Start backing up, and I can hardly turn the wheel.  It takes all of my strength to back into the the street.  WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING FUCK?  I call her and ask what in the hell she is thinking.  Her response, “It’s only that way when you go really slow.”  Oh really?  Yes, power steering is less critical at higher speeds.  What a revelation.  You do realize this is a MAJOR safety issue, right?  “I haven’t had time.”  Dafuq, man.
Is that the Buick SUV you bought a few years back? Wow it's weird the trivial details my brain remembers.

Cant remember anything the wife told me 10 minutes ago, but shit like this I will pack away forever.
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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10087

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On 12/17/2019 at 11:25 AM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife phones me on the way home from work Friday afternoon, "My car is almost out of gas. It's beeping at me and I think I'm going to run out."

Me: Uh... why don't you stop and get gas?

Wife: It's really freaking me out. I"m afraid it's going to run out. It went from telling me that I had 40 miles to go and then it just changed to 25 miles to go, and now it's just beeping at me. It's never done this before.

Me: Where are you?

Wife: Pulling into the driveway at the house.

Important side note: we live about one-half mile from a gas station. It is literally right down our street. You don't even have to turn to get there, other than turning into the gas station. She also had to pass at least ten other fucking gas stations on the way from her office to the house.

 

At least it was her car and not yours. I let the wife and SIL borrow my truck on Black Friday. They brought it back past E. I'm sure they even realized how close they were to running out of gas.

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21861

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2 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Is that the Buick SUV you bought a few years back? Wow it's weird the trivial details my brain remembers.

Cant remember anything the wife told me 10 minutes ago, but shit like this I will pack away forever.

Yes, it is the Buick.  And it's a great ride, if she doesn't fuck it up.  Not sure I posted it but about a year and a half ago she rear ended a BMW going to pretty slow, but had to replace the front bumper and a shitton on the beemer.  EXACTLY one week later, she rips the brand new bumper pulling into a market parking lot we shop at ALL the time that doesn't have the tapered curb cuts but rather high curbs (for storm drains), and replaced the same bumper for a second time.  Needless to say, our insurance rates are not low.  But I'm the monster.

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workswithseed

workswithseed 2112

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1 minute ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So last night my wife walks in the house and says there's a strange noise coming from across the street. I go out and listen and it's a stray cat making long moaning sounds. I say, "Sounds like it's a cat in heat." Her response, "How can it be in heat, it's so cold outside?"

I'm glad you married her. 

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ABSR

ABSR 5315

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Posted
2 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So last night my wife walks in the house and says there's a strange noise coming from across the street. I go out and listen and it's a stray cat making long moaning sounds. I say, "Sounds like it's a cat in heat." Her response, "How can it be in heat, it's so cold outside?"

Her tits must be magical!

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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5 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So last night my wife walks in the house and says there's a strange noise coming from across the street. I go out and listen and it's a stray cat making long moaning sounds. I say, "Sounds like it's a cat in heat." Her response, "How can it be in heat, it's so cold outside?"

were back episode 11 GIF by RuPaul's Drag Race

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G650

G650 14263

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Posted
5 hours ago, Sbbruin said:

Yes, it is the Buick.  And it's a great ride, if she doesn't fuck it up.  Not sure I posted it but about a year and a half ago she rear ended a BMW going to pretty slow, but had to replace the front bumper and a shitton on the beemer.  EXACTLY one week later, she rips the brand new bumper pulling into a market parking lot we shop at ALL the time that doesn't have the tapered curb cuts but rather high curbs (for storm drains), and replaced the same bumper for a second time.  Needless to say, our insurance rates are not low.  But I'm the monster.

You did mention it.

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