Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[G650 14,243]

Wife stone cold asked me how much twice a 1/3 cup was yesterday. To her credit, she did laugh after I told her.

Edited December 26, 2019 by G650

[Mach 1 1,677]

On 12/18/2019 at 10:07 PM, mulletpelini said:

these mfers stole her fucking idea!  She would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling kids!

https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2019/12/18/fsu-grad-sister-combat-date-rape-custom-scrunchie-nightcap/2687686001/

 

Just caught this.

I copied the article and put it in an email to her, but just before I hit send I started shaking and sweating.   There is no fucking way in hell I'm sending that to her.  It will somehow be my fault, I just know it.  I will be called the Killer of Dreams, among other things.

Believe it or not she's still working on the fucking prototype with some firm in the Bay Area.  Let them tell her about it.

[Pato del Muerto 52,485]

1 hour ago, Mach 1 said:

Just caught this.

I copied the article and put it in an email to her, but just before I hit send I started shaking and sweating.   There is no fucking way in hell I'm sending that to her.  It will somehow be my fault, I just know it.  I will be called the Killer of Dreams, among other things.

Believe it or not she's still working on the fucking prototype with some firm in the Bay Area.  Let them tell her about it.

So send it to them under the guise of “hey make sure you work around any patents from this”

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

Do you now have 2  - 1/4 open sticks of butter in the fridge?

Yea but what if theyre half stick kind?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,874]

I’d like to see the result of her trying to figure out 2x3/4 cups using 1/2 cup sticks

[mulletpelini 5,210]

5 hours ago, Mach 1 said:

Just caught this.

I copied the article and put it in an email to her, but just before I hit send I started shaking and sweating.   There is no fucking way in hell I'm sending that to her.  It will somehow be my fault, I just know it.  I will be called the Killer of Dreams, among other things.

Believe it or not she's still working on the fucking prototype with some firm in the Bay Area.  Let them tell her about it.

Throw out a "hey you know there's a public safety angle you might not have thought about when making these" comment and post the results.

[TKthunder2 4,985]

It’s been a few years, but once when we were in the middle of moving my wife decided she needed to bake a cake for some important reason but couldn’t find the measuring cups since they were packed away somewhere at the time.

As a workaround she ended up converting all the measurements to ounces and used a shot glass to measure everything.  When she told me I was initially impressed by her ingenuity, however the resulting oil soaked blob that came out the oven proved that she made some errors in her calculations.

Its also probably worth noting that she’s a CPA.

[Liteitup 138]

17 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Do you now have 2  - 1/4 open sticks of butter in the fridge?

No, but only because she brought a stick of butter with her when she came to my desk to ask. I told her 1 1/2 and got the deer in the headlights look so I showed her where to cut. And to add a whole stick. Not sure what she thought it should be but she walked away muttering something on the lines of "That's not close to what I thought"

I saw the other half stick go in the mashed potatoes.

[nnm 36,349]

16 hours ago, Mach 1 said:

Just caught this.

I copied the article and put it in an email to her, but just before I hit send I started shaking and sweating.   There is no fucking way in hell I'm sending that to her.  It will somehow be my fault, I just know it.  I will be called the Killer of Dreams, among other things.

Believe it or not she's still working on the fucking prototype with some firm in the Bay Area.  Let them tell her about it.

Sounds like you need to send her the tip via anonymous email account. From a concerned citizen. 
https://nordvpn.com/blog/free-anonymous-email-account/

[JimmyHoffa 1,188]

"You don't realize it but sometimes you yell at the kids and don't know it" 

Followed by.......

5 seconds later yelling at them herself about 10 different things.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,732]

Same version at my house.

[blacklab 11,926]

My wife yells at the kids every day, multiple times a day.

I raise my voice less than once a week, mainly when the boys are doing something that may end up in a trip to the emergency room.

Every time I yell at them my wife gets pissed at me and tells me I yell at them too much.

[Anastasis 23,463]

A: What's the plan for today?

Mrs. A: We are going to my parent's house.

A: What time we going over?

Mrs. A: What time do you want to go?

A: I was thinking late afternoon, before dinner.

Mrs. A: I don't want to wait until dinner time to go over there.

A: That's why I said "late afternoon".

Mrs. A: But you said "before dinner".

A: Uh, how about you just tell me what time you want to go over there? You know that I hate it when you ask me a question that you already have an answer figured out in your own head. 

Mrs. A: Why can't you just have a normal conversation. 

 

2+ hours later.  I still have no idea when we are going to her parent's house.

[TrashMaster G 17,547]

17 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

A: What's the plan for today?

Mrs. A: We are going to my parent's house.

A: What time we going over?

Mrs. A: What time do you want to go?

A: I was thinking late afternoon, before dinner.

Mrs. A: I don't want to wait until dinner time to go over there.

A: That's why I said "late afternoon".

Mrs. A: But you said "before dinner".

A: Uh, how about you just tell me what time you want to go over there? You know that I hate it when you ask me a question that you already have an answer figured out in your own head. 

Mrs. A: Why can't you just have a normal conversation. 

 

2+ hours later.  I still have no idea when we are going to her parent's house.

Show me a married man who hasn't had a version of that conversation a couple of dozen times... please.

[Anastasis 23,463]

I shit you not.

My wife just walked into my office and asked me "What time do you want to go over to mom and dad's?".

 

[ABSR 5,308]

13 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

I shit you not.

My wife just walked into my office and asked me "What time do you want to go over to mom and dad's?".

 

Please tell me you said, "Late afternoon, before dinner."

[Anastasis 23,463]

8 minutes ago, ABSR said:

Please tell me you said, "Late afternoon, before dinner."

After I face palmed. 

 

ETA: Guess who is heading over the in laws for lunch. 

Edited December 27, 2019 by Anastasis

[Dennis Taylor 18,809]

43 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

I shit you not.

My wife just walked into my office and asked me "What time do you want to go over to mom and dad's?".

 

correct response- I don't

[TrashMaster G 17,547]

42 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

correct response- I don't

This

[Anastasis 23,463]

48 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

correct response- I don't

Nah. My in-laws are awesome. I just need to have a few hours advantage notice to prepare accordingly. 

[Beau Vine 54,207]

6 hours ago, Anastasis said:

A: What's the plan for today?

Mrs. A: We are going to my parent's house.

A: What time we going over?

Mrs. A: What time do you want to go?

A: I was thinking late afternoon, before dinner.

Mrs. A: I don't want to wait until dinner time to go over there.

A: That's why I said "late afternoon".

Mrs. A: But you said "before dinner".

A: Uh, how about you just tell me what time you want to go over there? You know that I hate it when you ask me a question that you already have an answer figured out in your own head. 

Mrs. A: Why can't you just have a normal conversation. 

 

2+ hours later.  I still have no idea when we are going to her parent's house.

I felt like I was reading a story I wrote, except that my wife has more than one parent.

[Larry T. Spider 1,746]

4 hours ago, Anastasis said:

Nah. My in-laws are awesome. I just need to have a few hours advantage notice to prepare accordingly. 

Does that mean drink heavily?

[wd40 1,976]

during holidays. vacations, or times you're together all day, about how many times a day do y'all say to your wife (in your head), "shut the fuck up"?

since we got off the slopes a couple hours ago, I think I'm up to 8.  seems like a lot, but maybe it's because I'm trying to read a book.

[SilasCoade 2,622]

9 hours ago, Anastasis said:

Nah. My in-laws are awesome. I just need to have a few hours advantage notice to prepare accordingly. 

drink faster

[Txslnghrns 1,352]

Tone issues.....APPARENTLY!!


http://www.netflix.com/title/81070659 BBC

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

On 12/26/2019 at 2:48 PM, Mach 1 said:

Just caught this.

I copied the article and put it in an email to her, but just before I hit send I started shaking and sweating.   There is no fucking way in hell I'm sending that to her.  It will somehow be my fault, I just know it.  I will be called the Killer of Dreams, among other things.

Believe it or not she's still working on the fucking prototype with some firm in the Bay Area.  Let them tell her about it.

PM me her email address. 

Please.

Pretty please?

With sugar on top?

[Knoxtnhorn 5,971]

Trying to figure out wife logic.

We were driving from DFW to TN yesterday.  Told her we'd leave at 4:30AM, stop at Bucee's for gas/snacks, drive as long as possible before the kids wake up.  She comes back with two Icee's which, of course, melt within 20 mins.  First kid wakes up an hour later and asks for something to eat.  No food, but she does have an extra boiled egg.  

[CycleTex87 2,966]

Icees for breakfast?

[The Ace of Aces 5,175]

33 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

Icees for breakfast?

If Mrs. Knoxtnhorn hails from Tennessee she’s teethless. Icees make total sense.

[Jameslaw121 4,448]

1 hour ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Trying to figure out wife logic.

We were driving from DFW to TN yesterday.  Told her we'd leave at 4:30AM, stop at Bucee's for gas/snacks, drive as long as possible before the kids wake up.  She comes back with two Icee's which, of course, melt within 20 mins.  First kid wakes up an hour later and asks for something to eat.  No food, but she does have an extra boiled egg.  

Holy shit. 

[Jameslaw121 4,448]

15 hours ago, wd40 said:

during holidays. vacations, or times you're together all day, about how many times a day do y'all say to your wife (in your head), "shut the fuck up"?

since we got off the slopes a couple hours ago, I think I'm up to 8.  seems like a lot, but maybe it's because I'm trying to read a book.

Does she do that thing where she precisely times questions so you have to reread the same paragraph 5 times? Asking for a friend.......

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

1 hour ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Trying to figure out wife logic.

We were driving from DFW to TN yesterday.  Told her we'd leave at 4:30AM, stop at Bucee's for gas/snacks, drive as long as possible before the kids wake up.  She comes back with two Icee's which, of course, melt within 20 mins.  First kid wakes up an hour later and asks for something to eat.  No food, but she does have an extra boiled egg.  

So you're telling me that your wife walked into a Bucees and didn't buy jerky?

1 hour ago, The Ace of Aces said:

If Mrs. Knoxtnhorn hails from Tennessee she’s teethless. Icees make total sense.

Makes sense now. 

[DaysOff 7,947]

Holy shit. 

So how hot is your sister in law?

[EE2B 1,565]

When I get in the car for a long drive and the kids are asleep, the last thing I want to do is stop somewhere for anything. No way in hell I would plan on stopping at 5am half an hour or whatever into the trip. The car would be gassed up and full of whatever snacks everyone needed.

[Goofyboy 3,269]

When I get in the car for a long drive and the kids are asleep, the last thing I want to do is stop somewhere for anything. No way in hell I would plan on stopping at 5am half an hour or whatever into the trip. The car would be gassed up and full of whatever snacks everyone needed.

Same. We would stop when they wake up for a bathroom break. Otherwise, let sleeping kids sleep.

[blacklab 11,926]

47 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Does she do that thing where she precisely times questions so you have to reread the same paragraph 5 times? Asking for a friend.......

Mine has come in with 10 minutes left in the series finally of Silicon Valley, Mr. Robot and the Witcher,  and around 10 minutes to go in two episodes of The expanse in the last week. Then I'm the dick for asking if we can talk in 10 minutes

[Js1 85,278]

30 minutes ago, Goofyboy said:

 

Same. We would stop when they wake up for a bathroom break. Otherwise, let sleeping kids sleep.

 

Yup. Eat when you wake up and need to pee 

[nnm 36,349]

39 minutes ago, Goofyboy said:

 

Same. We would stop when they wake up for a bathroom break. Otherwise, let sleeping kids sleep.

 

If you have boys, a bottle works well to keep the stops to an absolute minimum. 

[Knoxtnhorn 5,971]

Kids are 7 and 13.  They're about as quiet awake as asleep when we're on the road, so there was no danger in stopping.

And my wife still has all her teeth. 

[luke duke 6,412]

My wife yells at the kids every day, multiple times a day.
I raise my voice less than once a week, mainly when the boys are doing something that may end up in a trip to the emergency room.
Every time I yell at them my wife gets pissed at me and tells me I yell at them too much.

She’s mad because your yells are probably still effective since you use them sparingly. The kids tuned her out years ago.

[luke duke 6,412]

Nah. My in-laws are awesome. I just need to have a few hours advantage notice to prepare accordingly. 

Shaving your balls for the MIL?

[NWBuck 8,552]

4 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

If Mrs. Knoxtnhorn hails from Tennessee she’s teethless. Icees make total sense.

I WISH she were teethless. 

[Knoxtnhorn 5,971]

Probably TMI but topical.

She was a virgin when we met.  The first time she gave me head, I thought I was losing skin.  So, yes, she has teeth.

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

That's my kink

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,874]

Probably TMI but topical.
She was a virgin when we met. 

That’s her story and she’s sticking to it

[AM Wood 335]

5 hours ago, nnm said:

If you have boys, a bottle works well to keep the stops to an absolute minimum. 

This will come up in their future therapy often. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,874]

My ex and I were driving back from New Orleans one time and we stopped for gas.  I peed, but she said she didn’t need to.  Of course 30 minutes later she’s telling me she needed to pee.  I refused to stop so she peed in a cup.

[TKthunder2 4,985]

20 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

My ex and I were driving back from New Orleans one time and we stopped for gas.  I peed, but she said she didn’t need to.  Of course 30 minutes later she’s telling me she needed to pee.  I refused to stop so she peed in a cup.

User name checks out.

[Tasking Monkey 16]

On 12/26/2019 at 3:36 PM, G650 said:

Wife stone cold asked me how much twice a 1/3 cup was yesterday. To her credit, she did laugh after I told her.

Half a peck, right?

[G650 14,243]

3 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Probably TMI but topical.

She was a virgin when we met.  The first time she gave me head, I thought I was losing skin.  So, yes, she has teeth.

Funny enough my college girlfriend was from Knoxville TN, and she too had a teeth issue on BJs. Could bang like a mad woman though.