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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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My wife will not start the dishwasher if there is still room for a few more items.  It's a common occurrence in our household to have a sink full of dirty dishes only for me to open the dishwasher and have a dishwasher full of dirty dishes save room for a few glasses.  

All the damn time
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We get our youngest an Ipod for Christmas and he loves it. So tonight we went out and celebrated his birthday at his favorite joint.

I ask wife what were we getting him a few days ago, and she said 'something at target, I got this'. So, cool.

She got him a MFing iPad. After he was out of the room, I asked "why? Why the ipod that got used for 3 weeks and now will collect dust because the iPad will cannibalize the ipod?"

Her: he will use both.

Apparently all 9 year olds have an ipod and ipad that is under one month old.

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On 1/22/2020 at 8:23 AM, Biff Tannen said:

Thank you Simone.  Water RESISTANT.  I wouldn't wear that shit out in the pouring rain.  And to be fair, I didn't pay that much for it, it was on sale, so again, fuck you guys I say, I say fuck you.

I noticed your defense wasn’t informing her it was a $300.00 hoodie.  Good move there.

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8 hours ago, markstanco said:

We get our youngest an Ipod for Christmas and he loves it. So tonight we went out and celebrated his birthday at his favorite joint.

I ask wife what were we getting him a few days ago, and she said 'something at target, I got this'. So, cool.

She got him a MFing iPad. After he was out of the room, I asked "why? Why the ipod that got used for 3 weeks and now will collect dust because the iPad will cannibalize the ipod?"

Her: he will use both.

Apparently all 9 year olds have an ipod and ipad that is under one month old.

I had this

PS2, Wii then PS3, first laptop, samsung tablet, rotated out smart phone, second laptop, first iphone, ipad, PS4, second iphone, third laptop, third iphone

no that wasn't for me.  That was Mullet Jr. Jr.

Spoiler

 

Now let's be clear here and see if you notice a trend.  The PS2 was mine, gave it to him used.  The PS3 was mine, gave it to him used.  The first laptop was mine, gave it to him used.  The rotated out smart phone was mine, gave it to him used.

Everything else was purchased new and I paid half for the samsung tablet, second laptop and PS4.  The rest was all paid for by her alone over the course of ages 7-13.

The second laptop he stepped on while something was between the keyboard and the screen and it cracked the screen.  I offered to pay for the new screen ($50) and replace it myself after a period of time that he would not be able to use it because he fucked it up by not being careful with it....you know, life lesson shit.  Nope, brand new one replaced it within 2 weeks.  Ironically, I replaced the screen and am using it this very second to write this.  Perfectly usable laptop.

This is a woman who has paid over 1k a month for rent for the past 10 years.  She could have set aside half the child support I send every month and used it as a down payment and a smaller monthly payment 8.5 years ago.  She just moved out of one rental into another one.  To date, they don't even have internet yet.  Mjj has been using his iphone as a hotspot to play the PS4 and use his laptop from.  Here's the kicker, she's worked for a gotdamn realty company for the past 11 years.....as.........an........

 

 

 

accountant

 

TLDR wimmens has logix

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I had this
PS2, Wii then PS3, first laptop, samsung tablet, rotated out smart phone, second laptop, first iphone, ipad, PS4, second iphone, third laptop, third iphone
no that wasn't for me.  That was Mullet Jr. Jr.
Spoiler

 
Now let's be clear here and see if you notice a trend.  The PS2 was mine, gave it to him used.  The PS3 was mine, gave it to him used.  The first laptop was mine, gave it to him used.  The rotated out smart phone was mine, gave it to him used.
Everything else was purchased new and I paid half for the samsung tablet, second laptop and PS4.  The rest was all paid for by her alone over the course of ages 7-13.
The second laptop he stepped on while something was between the keyboard and the screen and it cracked the screen.  I offered to pay for the new screen ($50) and replace it myself after a period of time that he would not be able to use it because he fucked it up by not being careful with it....you know, life lesson shit.  Nope, brand new one replaced it within 2 weeks.  Ironically, I replaced the screen and am using it this very second to write this.  Perfectly usable laptop.
This is a woman who has paid over 1k a month for rent for the past 10 years.  She could have set aside half the child support I send every month and used it as a down payment and a smaller monthly payment 8.5 years ago.  She just moved out of one rental into another one.  To date, they don't even have internet yet.  Mjj has been using his iphone as a hotspot to play the PS4 and use his laptop from.  Here's the kicker, she's worked for a gotdamn realty company for the past 11 years.....as.........an........
 
 
 
accountant
 

TLDR wimmens has logix

One good thing about having an electronics repair background is that of anything breaks my wife brings it to me to fix. That includes toys from her special ed classroom that no longer light up or make noises when buttons are pushed. 90% of the time it's just dead or low batteries. The last time she told me that she replaced the batteries and it still didn't work. I opened it up and found she had the batteries in backwards.

Per your post, we got our 6-yr-old a DS2 for Xmas because he's obsessed with Mario and really wanted to play Mario Maker. We're poors and weren't about to drop $300 on a Switch for a 6-yr-old. A month later and both screens are cracked. Apparently it fell off the bathroom counter while he was going to the bathroom although I don't know how it broke the way it did from a fall. Looks like it was stepped on but I wasn't home when it happened. Anyway, repair is $100+ for something that only cost $80. Wife was looking up repair options and I told her I can order 2 replacement screens (in case it happens) for $13 each plus shipping and replace them myself.
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5 hours ago, Modessit said:

One good thing about having an electronics repair background is that of anything breaks my wife brings it to me to fix. That includes toys from her special ed classroom that no longer light up or make noises when buttons are pushed. 90% of the time it's just dead or low batteries. The last time she told me that she replaced the batteries and it still didn't work. I opened it up and found she had the batteries in backwards.

Per your post, we got our 6-yr-old a DS2 for Xmas because he's obsessed with Mario and really wanted to play Mario Maker. We're poors and weren't about to drop $300 on a Switch for a 6-yr-old. A month later and both screens are cracked. Apparently it fell off the bathroom counter while he was going to the bathroom although I don't know how it broke the way it did from a fall. Looks like it was stepped on but I wasn't home when it happened. Anyway, repair is $100+ for something that only cost $80. Wife was looking up repair options and I told her I can order 2 replacement screens (in case it happens) for $13 each plus shipping and replace them myself.

Props to your wife for teaching in special ed.  That takes a lot of heart, courage, and patience.  As an elem teacher, I  believe that special ed teachers should make more than classroom teachers.

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Soooo.  We were on the way to a birthday party in Allen earlier when my wife rear-ended another car just before the exit.  To the extent that hitting another car from behind is always the fault of the person that hits said car, she really didn't do anything wrong.  One of those situations where a couple of different factors had cars braking from 70 to 0 in the span of a couple of hundred feet.  What I do want to bitch about is someone else's wife...

We had moved the car about 200 feet to the next exit to get the car (and kids) off the highway.  My wife had evened motioned as much to the other driver.  We pull over.  I walk back to the car that got hit to make sure she's ok and get screamed at for 60 seconds.  Convo went exactly like this:

Me (opening her passenger door):  Are you okay?

Her: NO.  I'M NOT OK.  I JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR.

Me: Yes. My wife was driving.  I'm sorry.  I just wanted to make sure you were ok.

Her:  NO I'M NOT OK.  I JUST GOT DIAGNOSED WITH BREAST CANCER AND NOW I'M IN A HIT AND RUN!!!!

Me: Well, it's not a hit and run.  I told my wife to pull up so that our kids weren't stalled in the right lane on a highway.

Her:  WELL, I ALREADY CALLED THE POLICE AND TOLD THEM YOU TOOK OFF.  WHY'D YOU TAKE OFF?  THAT'S A HIT AND RUN!!!

Me: I already explained it.  It was an accident.  I"m sorry.  We pulled up to get the kids off the road.  You can CLEARLY see our van about 200 feet in front of you.

Her:  DO I LOOK OK TO YOU?  

Me (starting to get tired of the yelling):  Again.  I'm sorry.  It was an accident.  This type of thing happens probably 100 times a day in DFW.  Its not as if we were bored and decided to just run into some random car to fill our boring day.

Her:  LOOK AT MY CAR!  I'M NOT OKAY AT ALL!!!

Me: Fine.  Whatever *bad word*

 

I mean, her car was barely damaged.  Yes, if she's telling the truth about the cancer I definitely feel for her.  But about 60 seconds in, I'm about over getting yelled at - especially given that I wasn't even driving.

Oh, and she told the cops I yelled at her.  

 

Edited by Knoxtnhorn
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On 1/24/2020 at 3:18 PM, Victorious1 said:

Locking keys in the car...  How many times have you had to deal with this?  It's happened at least a half dozen times in 24 years of being married but this event goes like this:

I'm about 20 minutes from finishing the day in the office, on the phone with one of guys on the east coast getting an update on a customer meeting and my cell rings and I see it's the wife so I put him on hold to answer.

M:  Hey. What's up?

H:  (panic) I LOCKED MY KEYS IN THE CAR. You need to come unlock my car.

M:  OK, let me get off this call and I'll head over.

She's across town with one of her friends watching the state cheer competition, normally a 20-25 min drive but at late afternoon probably a 35 min drive. I get off the call and start grabbing my stuff to head out and my cell/wife rings again.

H:  Never mind, I got inside the car and you don't have to drive over.

M:  Great!  How did you get in?

H:  Well, I guess we forgot to lock the passenger door...

Part of me was relieved I didn't have to spend 1.5 hours in traffic and part of me was WTF.

Out of curiosity,  do you have a spare key? Or how were you going to get it open?

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8 hours ago, Modessit said:

One good thing about having an electronics repair background is that of anything breaks my wife brings it to me to fix. That includes toys from her special ed classroom that no longer light up or make noises when buttons are pushed. 90% of the time it's just dead or low batteries. The last time she told me that she replaced the batteries and it still didn't work. I opened it up and found she had the batteries in backwards.

Per your post, we got our 6-yr-old a DS2 for Xmas because he's obsessed with Mario and really wanted to play Mario Maker. We're poors and weren't about to drop $300 on a Switch for a 6-yr-old. A month later and both screens are cracked. Apparently it fell off the bathroom counter while he was going to the bathroom although I don't know how it broke the way it did from a fall. Looks like it was stepped on but I wasn't home when it happened. Anyway, repair is $100+ for something that only cost $80. Wife was looking up repair options and I told her I can order 2 replacement screens (in case it happens) for $13 each plus shipping and replace them myself.

The switch ends up being more of a purchase for you, FYI 

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Props to your wife for teaching in special ed.  That takes a lot of heart, courage, and patience.  As an elem teacher, I  believe that special ed teachers should make more than classroom teachers.
My wife is PPCD - or PreK and Kinder Special Ed for those who don't know. Kids can start at age 3 so she'll have some for 3 or 4 years. She gets a Special Education bonus over what regular classroom teachers make. They just raised that from $1000 to $1500 ‐ per year.
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On 1/24/2020 at 3:18 PM, Victorious1 said:

Locking keys in the car...  How many times have you had to deal with this?  It's happened at least a half dozen times in 24 years of being married but this event goes like this:

I'm about 20 minutes from finishing the day in the office, on the phone with one of guys on the east coast getting an update on a customer meeting and my cell rings and I see it's the wife so I put him on hold to answer.

M:  Hey. What's up?

H:  (panic) I LOCKED MY KEYS IN THE CAR. You need to come unlock my car.

M:  OK, let me get off this call and I'll head over.

She's across town with one of her friends watching the state cheer competition, normally a 20-25 min drive but at late afternoon probably a 35 min drive. I get off the call and start grabbing my stuff to head out and my cell/wife rings again.

H:  Never mind, I got inside the car and you don't have to drive over.

M:  Great!  How did you get in?

H:  Well, I guess we forgot to lock the passenger door...

Part of me was relieved I didn't have to spend 1.5 hours in traffic and part of me was WTF.

How is that still possible? The locks don't activate until you hit the button on the remote. Da fuq is she doing? Even my wife is not that dingy.

Edited by Brothahorn
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On 1/21/2020 at 4:14 PM, Anastasis said:

Next thing you know she is going to come up with this service where there is not a pile of dirty dishes in the sink every night when you go to bed. 

Is a BJ out-call service far behind?

Edited by HornPhD
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8 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Soooo.  We were on the way to a birthday party in Allen earlier when my wife rear-ended another car just before the exit.  To the extent that hitting another car from behind is always the fault of the person that hits said car, she really didn't do anything wrong.  One of those situations where a couple of different factors had cars braking from 70 to 0 in the span of a couple of hundred feet.  What I do want to bitch about is someone else's wife...

We had moved the car about 200 feet to the next exit to get the car (and kids) off the highway.  My wife had evened motioned as much to the other driver.  We pull over.  I walk back to the car that got hit to make sure she's ok and get screamed at for 60 seconds.  Convo went exactly like this:

Me (opening her passenger door):  Are you okay?

Her: NO.  I'M NOT OK.  I JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR.

Me: Yes. My wife was driving.  I'm sorry.  I just wanted to make sure you were ok.

Her:  NO I'M NOT OK.  I JUST GOT DIAGNOSED WITH BREAST CANCER AND NOW I'M IN A HIT AND RUN!!!!

Me: Well, it's not a hit and run.  I told my wife to pull up so that our kids weren't stalled in the right lane on a highway.

Her:  WELL, I ALREADY CALLED THE POLICE AND TOLD THEM YOU TOOK OFF.  WHY'D YOU TAKE OFF?  THAT'S A HIT AND RUN!!!

Me: I already explained it.  It was an accident.  I"m sorry.  We pulled up to get the kids off the road.  You can CLEARLY see our van about 200 feet in front of you.

Her:  DO I LOOK OK TO YOU?  

Me (starting to get tired of the yelling):  Again.  I'm sorry.  It was an accident.  This type of thing happens probably 100 times a day in DFW.  Its not as if we were bored and decided to just run into some random car to fill our boring day.

Her:  LOOK AT MY CAR!  I'M NOT OKAY AT ALL!!!

Me: Fine.  Whatever *bad word*

 

I mean, her car was barely damaged.  Yes, if she's telling the truth about the cancer I definitely feel for her.  But about 60 seconds in, I'm about over getting yelled at - especially given that I wasn't even driving.

Oh, and she told the cops I yelled at her.  

 

She sounds lovely.  I'm betting she was a miserable twat before the cancer diagnosis.

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14 hours ago, Brothahorn said:

How is that still possible? The locks don't activate until you hit the button on the remote. Da fuq is she doing? Even my wife is not that dingy.

Brotha...isn't this part of the reason we have this thread?  Wives will always somehow manage to defy all laws of reason, physics, nature, etc.  And she had her friend with her who is also married (a wife).

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On 1/24/2020 at 2:23 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I think your wife used to break into my truck at my old office.  I had my truck broken into twice so I just quit locking it since there was never anything in it to steal.  They then jimmied the passenger door instead, even though the driver's door was unlocked.

I don't thing my wife would break into anyone's vehicle BUT I wouldn't put it passed her to break out a window before checking to see if the door was unlocked if she thinks it's an emergency.

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I've got a hidden key buried somewhere in the garage, just in case. There is an electronic combination lock on the door so that you can get into the garage without a key so even if you lock your keys in the car (thinking way ahead here, known a female or 40 in my life), you could still get in the house, EVEN IF SOMEHOW, the garage/kitchen entry is locked(which is normally only at night when we go to bed).

So one day she needed it.  Awesome, I've already planned for this, no worries.  She goes to exactly the right location, yes!  Now when I say it's buried, it's actually beneath about a 1/2" of some plastic pieces, so even if you found "the spot", you wouldn't see anything.  So you have to dig 1/2" in to find it.

Well apparently she only dug in about a 1/4" because "IT'S NOT IN HERE!!!!!"

Guess where it was.

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35 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

but they're not NEW!!!!!!

Hey Knox, the real asshole move was letting your wife drive.

Yeah.  I usually drive, but she insisted on taking the minivan and I do my best to never be behind the wheel of an effing minivan.  On a related note, out of the 2 hours of conversation we had between the wreck and the tow truck arriving, she held onto one comment to bring late last night.  I told her that that was two wrecks that she'd been in that were her fault and that I don't want to hear any more backseat driving from her when I drive.  I was half-joking, but she remembered to use it as ammo later on.

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I've got a hidden key buried somewhere in the garage, just in case. There is an electronic combination lock on the door so that you can get into the garage without a key so even if you lock your keys in the car (thinking way ahead here, known a female or 40 in my life), you could still get in the house, EVEN IF SOMEHOW, the garage/kitchen entry is locked(which is normally only at night when we go to bed).
So one day she needed it.  Awesome, I've already planned for this, no worries.  She goes to exactly the right location, yes!  Now when I say it's buried, it's actually beneath about a 1/2" of some plastic pieces, so even if you found "the spot", you wouldn't see anything.  So you have to dig 1/2" in to find it.
Well apparently she only dug in about a 1/4" because "IT'S NOT IN HERE!!!!!"
Guess where it was.


I’ve got 2 hidden spare keys. My wife knows about one of them and will never be told about the other one or I can guarantee you that it won’t be there if I ever need it.
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Pro move.  But even then, it might be pointless.
15 years ago or so, I was on a business trip with my boss.  Ex wife calls, frantic.  She had started a pot of boiling water, and had locked herself out of the house.  For some reason, she had her phone with her, along with our daughter.  She wants to know what to do.
I ask if the car is in the garage; yes, it is.  Are the keys in the ignition?  Yes, the are.  There is a home key on the ring, get it and open the door.
She says ok, then hangs up.
I get home a few days later.  Now, we had a few calls in that time, and no mention was made of the incident.  I pull into the garage, and notice the door is damaged.  I open the door, and the door facing is destroyed. I ask what happened.
She said the key did not work, so she kicked and kicked on the door until it opened (no deadbolt) until the door opened. I was pissed.  I went out to the car, got the keys, locked the door, and opened it with the key.  I then demonstrated it to her, and then did it once more.  I then asked her to try it.
She was trying to put the key in upside down.


e92ce6d874fe3471f5f5308a32253e98.gif
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Pro move.  But even then, it might be pointless.
15 years ago or so, I was on a business trip with my boss.  Ex wife calls, frantic.  She had started a pot of boiling water, and had locked herself out of the house.  For some reason, she had her phone with her, along with our daughter.  She wants to know what to do.
I ask if the car is in the garage; yes, it is.  Are the keys in the ignition?  Yes, the are.  There is a home key on the ring, get it and open the door.
She says ok, then hangs up.
I get home a few days later.  Now, we had a few calls in that time, and no mention was made of the incident.  I pull into the garage, and notice the door is damaged.  I open the door, and the door facing is destroyed. I ask what happened.
She said the key did not work, so she kicked and kicked on the door until it opened (no deadbolt) until the door opened. I was pissed.  I went out to the car, got the keys, locked the door, and opened it with the key.  I then demonstrated it to her, and then did it once more.  I then asked her to try it.
She was trying to put the key in upside down.


She sounds really hot.
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7 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Let me ask this:  what was it about some boiling water that got her so panicked she kicked the door in?  What did she think would happen?

She thought the house might burn down.

Electric stove.

I left out a few details; she had went out to the garage to get something out of the freezer and locked that door behind her.  She was not outside the house; she could have opened the garage door in case the house caught fire and walked outside.  Also, she could have walked next door to the retired couple's home who knew us well and would have assisted her as needed.  And it was summer, so she wasn't in danger of frostbite or hypothermia.  

I've said it elsewhere, but this is the same woman who became incredibly, violently mad at me because I couldn't remove the lock on the water meter when the water was shutoff at our house due to nonpayment and she was the one that had not paid the bill in over two months.

 

Edited by Francisco 2.0
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