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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5210

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1 hour ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

I think its a Nebraska thing. I always fill up before dropping it off because I tell them Im going to when I rent it. beats having to pay 8.50/gal theyd charge you to do it

I didn't explain it well, sounded better in my head.  She started at 3/8, so had to get back to 3/8.  Decided 3/4 was better.  Where else am I bleeding money.

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NateHitch

NateHitch 1282

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Wife's favorite thing to do is make plans and then ask if it's ok.

Wife on Friday afternoon: I told my whole fucking family they can come up and spend the weekend with us.  Is that ok?

Me: Why do you wait until you make plans to ask me my opinion?

Wife: I can tell them nevermind, I just wasn't sure what to say.

Me: No it's fine, was actually hoping to spend a relaxing 3 day weekend with your family on short notice.

Wife: Are you annoyed with me?

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BearCountry11

BearCountry11 1234

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4 hours ago, NateHitch said:

Wife's favorite thing to do is make plans and then ask if it's ok.

Wife on Friday afternoon: I told my whole fucking family they can come up and spend the weekend with us.  Is that ok?

Me: Why do you wait until you make plans to ask me my opinion?

Wife: I can tell them nevermind, I just wasn't sure what to say.

Me: No it's fine, was actually hoping to spend a relaxing 3 day weekend with your family on short notice.

Wife: Are you annoyed with me?

Fucking this.  I get home from work and I routinely hear “oh by the way my whole family (and 5 kids) are coming over for dinner.  Can you cook?” 

And usually they will be here in the next hour or so.  

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28776

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2 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

invite her sister over for a threesome then ask if its ok after next time.

You getting my point now?

Yes, yes, turn it around on them. Do the same thing to them so they can see the wrongness of their own actions. 

A stratagem that has never worked in the history of womankind. 

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ShaggyBevo RIP

ShaggyBevo RIP 3868

Posted
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On 5/21/2018 at 2:57 PM, Coyote said:

Because it cooks the perfect bacon every time with absolutely zero effort. Set oven to 400, put bacon on foil lined baking sheet, cook for 17-19 minutes. Every time. Then pull the bacon out, dump the grease in a preheated cast iron, and cook your eggs. Easily the most consistent method.

Measure the foil ~25% more than you need. Crumple a bit and then line the sheet pan with it. Cooks more skillet like that way. 

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ShaggyBevo RIP

ShaggyBevo RIP 3868

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On 5/26/2018 at 2:33 PM, Dbeasy said:

Has anyone had a conversation with their wife about the recycle button in the automobile ac? You might be stunned at the thought process.

This and the auto temp setting made the first two pages of the shag thread. 

Both of my daughters have had it drilled into their head that turning the a/c to 50F doesn't get it to 70F any faster than setting it to 70F.  They also know that in cold weather when in the auto setting the heat doesn't kick on until the engine is hot enough to produce heat. 

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 21898

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5 minutes ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

This and the auto temp setting made the first two pages of the shag thread. 

Both of my daughters have had it drilled into their head that turning the a/c to 50F doesn't get it to 70F any faster than setting it to 70F.  They also know that in cold weather when in the auto setting the heat doesn't kick on until the engine is hot enough to produce heat. 

No, but on the auto setting it will keep it at 50 rather than 70.  That's where I like it.

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elfenix

elfenix 34230

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Rental car started out at 3/8 was around 1/4 when I got the call.
"I put in $27 to fill it up, how much do you think I should add?"
.5 milleseconds later
"I'd put in $10"
She didn't think that was enough, doubled it, now its 3/4.
Correct answer was "about three-fiddy"
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Modessit

Modessit 5599

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Yes, yes, turn it around on them. Do the same thing to them so they can see the wrongness of their own actions. 
A stratagem that has never worked in the history of womankind. 
I invited Surly over to watch the game this weekend. That's all right, right? I told them you'd cook and show your tits.
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SilasCoade

SilasCoade 2622

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Posted (edited)

FUUUUUUCK. Wife was in charge of trip planning. Tried to save $6 ($2/day) by using the cheapest airport parking lot. I knew when we parked it was a shitshow. Shit is not even paved. Land at 9:30, at 10:45 still no sign of shuttle. Take an uber to the lot ($13) to discover that BOTH SIDES OF MY FUCKING CAR GOT DINGED. Same fucking company has a covered garage for $3/day more. And we saw a shuttle for the covered lot every 5 minutes.

Edited by Llogg
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pacman

pacman 7355

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, Modessit said:
13 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:
Yes, yes, turn it around on them. Do the same thing to them so they can see the wrongness of their own actions. 
A stratagem that has never worked in the history of womankind. 

I invited Surly over to watch the game this weekend. That's all right, right? I told them you'd cook and show your tits.

What time are we coming over?

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happyhookem

happyhookem 224

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Modessit said:
18 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:
Yes, yes, turn it around on them. Do the same thing to them so they can see the wrongness of their own actions. 
A stratagem that has never worked in the history of womankind. 

I invited Surly over to watch the game this weekend. That's all right, right? I told them you'd cook and show your tits.

 

Not necessarily in that order.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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Posted
9 hours ago, General Specific said:


whats goin on here?

Well.. one of Knuke's eyelids are jammed, and we need a live chicken?.. live chicken to get the hex off of Jose's glove, and nobody seems to kno what to get Jimmy or Millie for their wedding present. We are dealing with a lotta shit out here.

Up your butt, Jobu.

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1963

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Posted

We were planning our Memorial Day last week and I told her that all I really wanted to do was grill some burgers or hot dogs in the backyard and swim in the pool as a family.  I basically work 16 hour days and I was out of town Saturday and Sunday, which means that I don't have time to do any of the prep work and it falls on her.  So yesterday morning she's running through the day's schedule, which includes her getting a massage (since I was gone the two previous days) and picking up and dropping off our oldest for a play date.  She asks me what I want to grill and I told her again "burgers and/or hot dogs."  She must have gone to the grocery store 5 times last week and didn't pick up the shit we needed for grilling.  I think I threw her off with the and/or thing.  Not specific enough.  So I finally tell her, "Okay, hot dogs, but not the Oscar Meyer bullshit - let's get some kind of sausages."  She fucks around most of the day and then it's like 4 o'clock, time to get in the pool and she has to go to the grocery store.  Except it's not the grocery store that is five minutes from our house; it's the fancy grocery store that is 20 minutes from our house.  She's gone like an hour and a half.  By the time she gets back the kids are tired of swimming and grumpy because they are hungry. I drank four beers while I grilled the sausages.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

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9 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

We were planning our Memorial Day last week and I told her that all I really wanted to do was grill some burgers or hot dogs in the backyard and swim in the pool as a family.  I basically work 16 hour days and I was out of town Saturday and Sunday, which means that I don't have time to do any of the prep work and it falls on her.  So yesterday morning she's running through the day's schedule, which includes her getting a massage (since I was gone the two previous days) and picking up and dropping off our oldest for a play date.  She asks me what I want to grill and I told her again "burgers and/or hot dogs."  She must have gone to the grocery store 5 times last week and didn't pick up the shit we needed for grilling.  I think I threw her off with the and/or thing.  Not specific enough.  So I finally tell her, "Okay, hot dogs, but not the Oscar Meyer bullshit - let's get some kind of sausages."  She fucks around most of the day and then it's like 4 o'clock, time to get in the pool and she has to go to the grocery store.  Except it's not the grocery store that is five minutes from our house; it's the fancy grocery store that is 20 minutes from our house.  She's gone like an hour and a half.  By the time she gets back the kids are tired of swimming and grumpy because they are hungry. I drank four beers while I grilled the sausages.

"Why do you have to have sooooooo many beers?"    ~ Time Lapse Wife  

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Macanudo

Macanudo 12976

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20 hours ago, General Specific said:


whats goin on here?

Well.. one of Knuke's eyelids are jammed, and we need a live chicken?.. live chicken to get the hex off of Jose's glove, and nobody seems to kno what to get Jimmy or Millie for their wedding present. We are dealing with a lotta shit out here.

Okay, well, uh... Candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two! Go get 'em.

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General Specific

General Specific 3256

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Okay, well, uh... Candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two! Go get 'em.

Well played! And thanks for moving the ball down the field.

I guess I needed to make a more salient point, which was this;

In the middle of “Wives and the stupid shit they say/do”, we have derails on “Mmmmm BACON”!!!!!1!

Next time I’ll just say “Back on target” or something equally Surly....

More wives stupid shit say/do, and GO!
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Incredulity

Incredulity 11665

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7 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

We were planning our Memorial Day last week and I told her that all I really wanted to do was grill some burgers or hot dogs in the backyard and swim in the pool as a family.  I basically work 16 hour days and I was out of town Saturday and Sunday, which means that I don't have time to do any of the prep work and it falls on her.  So yesterday morning she's running through the day's schedule, which includes her getting a massage (since I was gone the two previous days) and picking up and dropping off our oldest for a play date.  She asks me what I want to grill and I told her again "burgers and/or hot dogs."  She must have gone to the grocery store 5 times last week and didn't pick up the shit we needed for grilling.  I think I threw her off with the and/or thing.  Not specific enough.  So I finally tell her, "Okay, hot dogs, but not the Oscar Meyer bullshit - let's get some kind of sausages."  She fucks around most of the day and then it's like 4 o'clock, time to get in the pool and she has to go to the grocery store.  Except it's not the grocery store that is five minutes from our house; it's the fancy grocery store that is 20 minutes from our house.  She's gone like an hour and a half.  By the time she gets back the kids are tired of swimming and grumpy because they are hungry. I drank four beers while I grilled the sausages.

I’m not saying I wish it on you or endorse the idea. But, if I serve on the jury of a murder trial and the above is entered as evidence I would vote for an acquittal.

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Ldogg53

Ldogg53 514

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We were planning our Memorial Day last week and I told her that all I really wanted to do was grill some burgers or hot dogs in the backyard and swim in the pool as a family.  I basically work 16 hour days and I was out of town Saturday and Sunday, which means that I don't have time to do any of the prep work and it falls on her.  So yesterday morning she's running through the day's schedule, which includes her getting a massage (since I was gone the two previous days) and picking up and dropping off our oldest for a play date.  She asks me what I want to grill and I told her again "burgers and/or hot dogs."  She must have gone to the grocery store 5 times last week and didn't pick up the shit we needed for grilling.  I think I threw her off with the and/or thing.  Not specific enough.  So I finally tell her, "Okay, hot dogs, but not the Oscar Meyer bullshit - let's get some kind of sausages."  She fucks around most of the day and then it's like 4 o'clock, time to get in the pool and she has to go to the grocery store.  Except it's not the grocery store that is five minutes from our house; it's the fancy grocery store that is 20 minutes from our house.  She's gone like an hour and a half.  By the time she gets back the kids are tired of swimming and grumpy because they are hungry. I drank four beers while I grilled the sausages.

This one is on you. Sure her actions were maddening, but fuck giving up control of meat choice that you’re going to cook to her. No matter how tired you are, a quick run to scoop up some sausage and beer or whatever else manly shit you wanted would have been easy.
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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1963

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13 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

Dude. Hot dogs =/= sausages.

What would you call a sausage, roughly the same size as a hot dog, in an elongated piece of bread with mustard and relish?  There's really no reason for anyone to eat an actual disgusting hot dog.  It barely qualifies as food.  I've been substituting sausages for hot dogs for years.

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1963

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Posted
Just now, Ldogg53 said:


This one is on you. Sure her actions were maddening, but fuck giving up control of meat choice that you’re going to cook to her. No matter how tired you are, a quick run to scoop up some sausage and beer or whatever else manly shit you wanted would have been easy.

Everything is always on me, because I could always swoop in and prevent or fix whatever fucked up shit my wife does.  But I shouldn't have to.  An actual capable partner with any wits should be capable of making a simple fucking decision and carrying out a simple task toward a known goal.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17551

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13 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

What would you call a sausage, roughly the same size as a hot dog, in an elongated piece of bread with mustard and relish?  There's really no reason for anyone to eat an actual disgusting hot dog.  It barely qualifies as food.  I've been substituting sausages for hot dogs for years.

The answer is in your statement there.  Hot dogs and sausage are qualitatively different items.  I would never disrespect sausage by calling it a hot dog.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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18 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Everything is always on me, because I could always swoop in and prevent or fix whatever fucked up shit my wife does.  But I shouldn't have to.  An actual capable partner with any wits should be capable of making a simple fucking decision and carrying out a simple task toward a known goal.

<Looks at thread title>

<Looks at Ojo>

<Looks back at thread title>

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8800

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Posted
22 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

I've had it just below full at Hertz and National before.. I make sure to point it out and I am typcially not charged for returning it with half a tank...

So, it happens.

This reminded me of a situation we run into here at work on occasion.  There are times we'll need to rent/lease additional air compressors or generators.  The rental company has the same "return it full" policy, so I will always tell my guys to be sure and fill the machines up with diesel before returning to the rental company across the street.   On one billing, I noticed nearly everything we returned had a fuel charge on them.  I got the guys together and raised hell about it and they swore they filled them up, so at that point I let it go.

A couple weeks go by and we have 2 compressors to return, so I decide to fill them up myself.   There is a clearly marked line and warning on the tank, "Do Not Fill Above This Line".  So I fill them up, have them returned and sure enough 2 weeks later get the invoice with "fuel charges" on them.   I went across the street to raise hell, and their manager and I went out to look at the machines we returned (hadn't been rented since).   Yep, fuel had been added all the way to the cap, way above where it says "do not fill above".   Turns out there service guy filled them to the top  and each "neck" area held an additional 4 gallons.   Needless to say we got the charges dropped.

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Sawbonz

Sawbonz 27547

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On 5/24/2018 at 11:58 AM, Beau Vine said:

I've mentioned this before, but way back when my wife and I were having troubles, I finally decided that there was no sense in fighting, so whenever a disagreement came up, I would say, "You're right, my fault."

That eventually drove her fucking bananas. 

You are lucky to be alive

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8700

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1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

What would you call a sausage, roughly the same size as a hot dog, in an elongated piece of bread with mustard and relish?  There's really no reason for anyone to eat an actual disgusting hot dog.  It barely qualifies as food.  I've been substituting sausages for hot dogs for years.

If you want your wife to get sausage, say sausage.   Identify the brand, type, etc. or . . . you'll get fucking hot dogs.  That's the difference.

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